16 guidelines for life june — Jamyang – honesty

Audio recorded at Buddha House Adelaide. Transcript auto-generated and AI-corrected; may contain errors.

About this talk. In this 142-minute talk, Ven Jamyang explores honesty—the second of the 16 guidelines for a happy life—through sustained dialogue with participants. He distinguishes honesty as a state of mind from mere truth-telling, then traces how we practice dishonesty: lying to please, withholding truth from fear, twisting facts from attachment. Real-world scenarios—marriage, workplace loyalty, family expectations—surface through audience participation, revealing a central paradox: truthfulness can hurt, yet silence and self-deception harm more deeply. Jamyang probes how genuine honesty requires both authenticity and wisdom, speaking truth without unnecessary harm. He emphasizes honesty to oneself as foundational. The session closes with a guided meditation reflecting on moments of honesty and dishonesty.

File metadata (for organising)

File: Jamyang – honesty.mp3

UUID: 310d4bf8-1c78-4c57-be18-6459f9bef181

Teacher: Ven Jamyang

Collection: 16 guidelines for life june (Ven Jamyang)

Date: 2009 (exact day not recorded)

Recorded at: Buddha House Adelaide

Duration: 142.5 minutes

Words: ~16,441

Working. Yep. Oh. Yep. Goes There goes the boat.

Losing balance. You alright? Yep. Good. Welcome, everybody.

Some people are here for the first time in the sixteen guidelines. Maybe some people are new at Buddha House. You’re new at Buddha House or have you been coming to? Completely new. Wow, big step.

So, for those who are here for the first time doing the sixteen guidelines, I’ll give a little introduction so that you know where it all fits in. The sixteen guidelines for a happy life is strictly speaking not even sure. It’s not Buddhism in the sense that we do not talk about Buddhist concepts, but it is related to Buddhism. It is coming from Buddhism. It is based on Buddhist concepts.

It was written by a Tibetan king. I think it was around seven hundred or eight hundred AD or a long long long time ago. And this king, he was a Dharma practitioner and he was he really cared for his people and he wanted to make the dharma available for lay people without them having to study enormously. So he wrote a text in which you can find back the sixteen guidelines for a happy life which are very simple to hear. They also don’t seem too difficult to practice but to do it every day in your life, it’s difficult because of our habits, you know.

So in itself, the guidelines are not specific for Buddhism. You can find them in many religions or even just in common sense, you know, in in just basic human values. So they are very universal. They can be applied at any stage in your life. You can do this with kids.

You can do this with very old people, you can do this in any age in between. It works very, very quickly. As soon as you start practicing the guidelines, you will feel the difference in your mind, you will feel better, you will feel more happy. And if you keep on practicing them and you make a habit out of them, you just will feel that your whole level of well-being will increase. So it’s quite profound and at the same time very simple.

And we know that everything that is profound sounds simple, very difficult to do. So what we’re doing tonight is we have been going through the guidelines, one guideline per night. Last year I tried to do it a little bit faster and that just didn’t work. I tried to do two in the night and after one you have enough, you know, it’s like this time we just do one per night. The sixteen guidelines are divided into four groups.

The first group is how we think. How we think is on the basis of everything that we are doing. Everything that we are doing, everything how in the way we relate to others, in the way how we give meaning to our life, how we think is really the first step. How we think influences how we act. How we think influences how we speak, how we connect to others, how we relate to others.

So when we talked about how we think, we have spoken about humility to oppose our pride. We have spoken about patience to oppose our anger. We have spoken about contentment to oppose greed and we have spoken about delight to oppose jealousy. So now we are talking about the first, the second group of four guidelines, which is how we act. And we’re gonna talk today about honesty.

Is this going too fast for those who are here just new? No, you can just keep that on in your mind. Yep. If you can’t please ask. So we’re going to talk about honesty.

Last week we talked about kindness. Kindness helps to discourage our anger, snappy with people. Being consciously, consciously kind helps to open our heart, helps to make the mind soft, help to create helps to create warmth between people. Today we’re going to talk about honesty. So what we’re doing so far is that we start defining, we first define what we’re talking about.

Because when we talk about honesty, honesty honesty is is a state of mind. Honesty is a state of mind. But how does that actually look like? Honesty has if we has many aspects that we can see, and that can be for everybody different. True.

I wanna be a little bit closer to you guys. Be careful with your feet. He doesn’t want to come. Some resistance. Honesty.

So what truth or is it related to truth? It’s not true, it’s related to truth. Related to truth? You’re honest. Yeah.

So for instance, telling the truth. Yep. So if you don’t agree with something that anybody says you can say that you say but I think this is not always the case. Problem is truth is so subjective isn’t it? Is it?

It’s a state of mind. Someone’s truth is someone else’s. Do you know what I mean? Like, it can mean a completely different So you’re saying truth is what you experience. Truth is an experience.

For instance, I say: Well, it’s really warm here. And you say: It’s not warm at all. And we’re going to fight over that. Then it is subjective, isn’t it? But there is also If I say certain words to you, then you can give these words back in what you understand I’m saying or you can give literally the words back.

These can be two different things. So many times when we hear somebody say something hear a story. We don’t hear literally what a person is saying but our mind takes off and creates a story. And then we hear that as being the truth. If I say telling the truth I think about repeating exactly what that person has said and leaving out your story.

What do you mean when you say telling the truth? I think that when, well just your perception of of what you believe is to be the case Yeah. And your your opinion. Your opinion. Your opinion.

So but, obviously, when if you wanna be honest, you have you have to express your opinion. You have to accept that there’s other people’s opinions as well. Okay. I suppose that’s different. That’s something different?

That’s different. But, I mean, opinion’s got something to with it as well. So is that a completely different thing? Telling expressing your opinion? Can I set it as another another item?

I would so that it’s not your truth. Because Express. Expressing your perception. Yeah. Let me express.

Yeah. What do you think about it? Yeah. Yeah. But we’re also telling the truth involved not lying.

So that means we have Not lying. So what in saying that, I’m asking also, does that mean that we have a sense within us of what is truth and what is Mhmm. So it’s part of our nature to to be able to interpret truth. Mhmm. Good intention.

Good intention. True. Intention. Is it is it about honesty about sort of being open and sharing? If you’ve got a if you’re honest, you then sort of reveal something that will if I’m taking it wrong.

But if you’re honest, you sort of will reveal something or or Yeah. You’re talking about being open. When you said honest mind, wouldn’t you have to have that type of mind to be honest in the first would you? Don’t know. Know.

Let’s just explore the word, you know, because it can mean everybody something else. I think you have to be sort of a bit open. Authentic. So this goes in different directions. True?

So if you’re ethical, there is like it’s almost like there is a way that you can behave in an ethical way and non ethical way. And that is even related to your belief system maybe. As authentic, You can be authentic without being ethical. You can be ethical without being authentic. So we have to look into that deeper.

What honesty is. I don’t know how to phrase it but not speaking up, not being, not stating something that’s true because maybe it makes someone else uncomfortable. Is that honesty, or is that not honesty? Honesty is is is stating it. You know, as people would say, oh, if you don’t speak up, that’s not lying.

You know, where you where Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Or I think honesty is is is speaking up. You feel the right. Yeah.

I quite like that. So honesty can be blunt maybe? Can be I don’t know how to. Do you know what I mean? Where there might be Or for the peace of mind?

Yeah. Mhmm. But if you were really honest, that you would say So honesty can be painful? Yeah. Or uncomfortable?

Can be trouble. Can be in trouble. On the end of someone being honest to you, it’s sometimes painful, isn’t it? Uh-huh. But isn’t it they’re also the same.

The truth shall set you free. Sorry? Isn’t there a saying? The truth shall set you free. Yeah.

And it painfully Yeah. They’re painful. Honestly. I’m gonna say straightforward. Straightforward.

Or is it more than that? Well, like, telling the truth is you know, so that means you’re okay. So you only tell the truth, when you speak, but I I guess I’m trying to say this. Yeah. You just told me that compassion sometimes.

Compassion sometimes. About about actually speaking up. Speaking up. Yeah. I don’t know how to phrase it.

Speaking up. So you’re saying whatever. Yeah. And you say it can be blunt. Yeah.

And I suppose just being true to yourself, that’s because if you notice something’s not right, you gotta be honest and true to yourself to to say something. You know? So you’re saying you you can speak up even when you’re blunt. That is honesty. I’m just saying sometimes honesty No.

I’m I’m checking with And then I come to you Philip. Negative that that not speaking up is dishonest. Yeah. But if you speak up and it is blunt, that’s not a problem. Mean you have to be found.

No. Speak up with kindness. Nice. Okay. Like, someone says, am I fat?

You know? And if they are really fat, then you say, you ignore the questions. Hey. Is the sky blue? You know?

It’s a nice day. You know? Or maybe you can say, well, you’re really I say, yes. You are. Yes.

Yes. You are. Apparently, it’s a sin to tell a lie, but you’ve hurt somebody’s feelings by saying So there we come in a completely emotional territory isn’t it? Yep, we’ll go there because honesty I think triggers that very strongly. And many many times we get challenged in our honesty because there’s so many consequences when we are honest.

There is some, you know, sometimes or many times easier to be a little bit dishonest so just go around the corner to prevent that. You talked about being blunt. Well, I mean sometimes the truth can be hurtful. So then obviously you don’t want to be as sharp when you tell the truth. Sometimes you have to be force, well, not forceful, but when you’re straight to the point, sometimes that can be Can be painful.

Yeah. Yeah. So tell you the truth even when it’s painful. When painful. Size fourteen is fat, but I think, you know, a size eighteen or twenty is fat.

Well, then by him saying, well, you can make it fat, really, So in order to be honest, do we necessarily have to ventilate our opinion? No. Just that you need to need to label whether it’s your opinion or whether you’re saying that the whole universe is that, you know, that’s the universal truth. The size sixteen is back. Or you say, like, in my opinion, that I would consider that.

But do we go around expressing our opinion? No. Because we want to be honest? No. Not really, hope we don’t.

No. So we wait till we ask for it? So you say to Paul, you think I’m fat? Then you open up for his answer, isn’t it? And then it’s up to him, what you actually ask is like do you think that this is fat?

Is that in your perception fat? You want to hear that. Then you can’t say hey but don’t be too honest you know or please use my my measurements of being fat. But you don’t have to ask the question. So if I look at this, it feels like it’s still not completely clear what it is to be honest.

It still feels like we’re a little bit going around. You see that? Yeah, talk about being honest. So both. I think ourselves in relationship to others.

But we do not have to necessarily have to voice that. That’s what I think honesty means, yeah. But I don’t know. We can put dishonesty What’s the opposite of honesty? Dishonesty?

What is dishonesty? When are we dishonest? What are we doing? You’re evasive. You can be evasive.

I don’t know that word. You avoid A evasive? Avoid answering but you answer in a way where you know you’ve not really touched the topic but you’re just sort of Going around. Going around? What is being dishonest?

Lying. How can we lie? What kind of matters do we lie? Adding our sort of ego to the description? Yeah.

Adding exaggerating our qualities? Yeah. Is that what you’re saying? A lot like coloring the truth? Coloring the truth with our ego.

Yeah. That’s a kind of lying, but it’s not can be quite innocent. Can also be maybe a little bit nastier. How else, where else can we lie? But what we’re talking about here is about happiness.

What makes us happy? If the lie is accepted in society or not I don’t It’s still a lie. It’s still a lie. Yeah. I’m not defending it now.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah. So when we lie that means that when we lie we actually feel unhappy. We feel that something is not completely right. Know even if everybody in society lies we feel that something is not right. And what we’re here for is to learn how we can be happy which means how we can make it right in our own mind so that we feel okay with ourselves.

Yep. So if everybody cheats the tax it’s always in the back of your mind if you do it. Oh my god, one day they’re maybe going to find out. Even if everybody doesn’t, isn’t it? Makes you restless.

So how else can we lie with what kind of things? We can call it the truth verbally. What else? What kind of matters do we lie? People lie because, you know, maybe they want the other person to feel good.

Uh-huh. To please. To please. We lie to please. We lie to please.

We lie lie not to tell the truth. See? We lie so we don’t have we don’t actually have to tell the truth. We lie Yes. Avoidance.

Yeah. So the truth might be seen as threatening to more dangerous than actually being honest or being so lying So is that fear? Yeah. Yeah. Which one do you do most?

The pleasing one. Do many people do that here? To please that way go a little bit around it? To get approval? That’s to please yourself, isn’t it?

To get approval? Or maybe that’s fear for rejection? They’re all ego related, isn’t it? This is all about me, me, me. About now I.

Because she is your friend. That person is your friend. Mhmm. But Australians are really part of our ethos, is really mateship. And to dob these dobbers in is just not done, it’s frowned upon.

Except when you adopt foreigners. Pardon? Except when you adopt foreigners. Yeah. Well, maybe that’s the exception.

Isn’t it? It’s like then everybody gangs up against one person. The same thing I would because I don’t think that my boss is going to raise his performance appraisal on my friend about about whether they’re living a good life. They’re gonna do it about whether the company’s making enough money. Mhmm.

So, you know, like, I I don’t wanna give him the honesty. I don’t think he’s gonna use it for good for good. He’s He’s gonna use it for evil. So I’ll do that, like, and sit back, and I say, oh, yeah. That’s a great.

That’s fine. Is that honest? No. But we do that, isn’t it, with friends? If we have to protect our friends it’s quite easy to have a little lie or to get around it.

But in the standards that are So they are not honest and truthful. So then I’m not going to be honest and truthful. So how can you be truthful without going against your ethics? How could you solve that problem with your boss? Yeah.

Say I’m very sorry I do not like to speak about my colleagues like this, you know. That’s up to you. It’s your job and I’m sure you can do your job really well. And you leave it to them. Then you don’t have to lie, you’re honest.

You’re not going to be caught up between two people because that’s what the situation that you create isn’t it? Yeah because you know what, then I go back and sort of give them all these different jobs to do and then to try and tell them to work better. So now I can tell them that they are working better. But it doesn’t really work because they end up. You see, if you know that some of pubs are not performing as well and not really doing anything very much, if you’re having to say that to the manager then you can try to give them more work and monitor that and get them to work more so that when you do get up you don’t have to say anything.

But I never thought of that you’re not answering in the first place. So that’s why you’re coming here. We give you some ideas. You go back to your work and the boss says, What happened to Ginny? What are you doing?

You’re changing. You’re in therapy or what? Dishonesty, what else is dishonesty? I think it’s getting a little bit more clear. Putting yourself ahead of others.

Putting yourself ahead of others. Put your knees and your desires to go to other people for the general Is that dishonesty? I think in some ways it is. If you do certain things, it’s not always, but certain things come down to, you you tell truth. You tell truth, you lose your thank you, just you like, and you don’t feel it’s being dishonest.

So in honesty is there a care for others? Yes. Or is that careless? Can both. We just neutral as well or not?

Could be just a simple question or could be something remind you if there’s something that you you worried about telling the truth, then it probably used to cover yourself or someone else. So when when it comes down to realize the yeah. It it can be regarding yourself or other people. Mhmm. Putting yourself ahead of others, you don’t agree with that, Or do you?

Is that honesty? So then, again, what is honesty really, isn’t I mean you can say, I can just say whatever I like and I just bring it out and I don’t care about other people’s feelings because I’m honest. But is that what we mean with honesty? Is that something that makes us happy when we do that? If we see these kids do we think, Oh, they’re really happy when they do that.

I’m gonna follow that example. Or do we say, not sure about that? Can we be happy when we harm others? Some can? Can they really?

Hello? Okay, let’s stay with us. Can we be happy when we harm others? So if we talk about honesty and honesty being a guideline for a happy life, would honesty then mean that we just sprout forth whatever we like? Or is there a care for others that we do it gracefully, we do it without harming others?

Yeah. That can be honesty. But I I think you can harm others without knowing it. Yep. With harming others, I mean that we have the intention to harm.

With harming others mean what what I forgot your name. Lee? Lee. Lee said, put putting yourself ahead of others. He called that that’s a way of being dishonest.

I I just think that when when you saw you lied, and you you make him a lie to get save your own save your own skin. You’ve got you know, feel with this one. I am doing well. Yeah. Lie like that.

Yeah. It still is quite innocent, and I did do that Yeah. But you put your happiness you put your happiness ahead of Yeah. It. Yeah.

I do that. Yeah. Stuff do on getting all the happiness and glory myself Yeah. By lying. Yeah.

So yes, you can hurt others without knowing that. You can harm others without knowing that. If you are honest, I think you can hurt others, but I’m not sure if you can harm others. Is there a difference between hurting and harming? You think so?

What’s the difference? I don’t see the difference. You don’t see difference? What is the difference between harm and hurt? But what is the difference between hurt and harm?

How can we distinguish between that? It’s a feeling. Hurt is a feeling? A negative action? So for instance if I say Suzanne asked me, you think I’m too fat and and she’s actually twenty kilos heavier than she is now and I said, yeah I do think you are too fat I’m not saying any harmful actions but it can hurt her I’m not saying harmful words but if I would say you are so and then whatever then I am doing a harmful action Yeah, I think that’s the difference and I think even when you try to be really kind your words can be hurtful because of the issues that the other person has without you knowing that you’re hurting without having any intention to hurt I think harm means that we actually engage in speech speech that is harmful like lying or like harsh speech or Yeah?

By saying something that I derisive, I can see the gentleman’s point that they are slightly interchangeable. I know that he was trying to make this a distinction. But the motivation Yes. Makes a difference. Yes.

Yes. I suspect we’re heading towards a point where we’re maybe talking about tactfulness in being honest, which I have found isn’t really something I’ve had to work on. Yeah. So so honesty is diplomatic. If something is very difficult to say the more love we feel the easier we can make it for the other person to hear.

Throughout this also, if we’re aware, if we if we have a perception of being aware of this is a total basis, then when we arrive at the pub, we’ll be able to distinguish whether we’re going to be either hurting or harming someone also, aren’t we? So I’m not sure what you’re saying. Well, if we’re aware of honesty as a definition and dishonesty, well then we’re aware, we know that there’s a logical basis, there’s a definition for each. So from a perspective of Buddhism, then we’re not going to we’re not going to we’re going to try to avoid to hurt or harm others. We do things that do not lead to harm.

I’m not sure about the hurt. Because we’re not in control over the feelings that arise in other people’s mind. Never ever. You know even when I give somebody a present I can afford a wrong present. Know I buy Suzanne’s scales.

Wrong present. She feels so hurt so what do you want to say with this jam young? And I sincerely wanted to give her a present. I would talk about harm, my intention. We can only think about, we can only look into our own mind.

What we do a lot is we want to please and we are willing to be dishonest in order to please When we want to please what we want is we want others to feel good By others wanting, by wanting others to feel good we are willing to create a mind that is actually making us unhappy This is what we do many times To make others feel good we do something that harms us Lying is something that harms us. It’s something that harms us. True? But we are willing to do that if we please others, if we make sure that others are not hurt in their feelings. We forget that we’re hurting ourselves and we forget that we create more suffering for ourselves.

So this is a tricky one and I think we have to dig that out because it looks so justified. The dilemma I have right is, for example, the situation today. My husband’s gone back to working from home, and he has very low work motivation and lots of high distraction. Yeah. From an on-site visit, and he was.

I brought home some afternoon tea. I’m out on on-site, so it was out. You know? So my reaction is, oh, that’s great. You know?

Again, you know? So it’s difficult. Do you my problem is I don’t actually lie, but often to to avoid an argument or avoid a discussion on honesty, it’s sometimes easier to not confront a situation. Yep. Do you know what I mean?

Or not but then you feel unhappy about that. What did you mean it was great he was out or great? No. You should be at home. Well, I guess the thing was I was disappointed in his dishonesty that really he pretends to work, but he actually doesn’t like it.

But he was honest. He said, I’m might. He was honest. But you were disappointed. You were disappointed in his work ethics, not in his honesty.

He was very honest. But he wouldn’t have told me if I’d got But you have other expectations from him. But you have other expectations from him? Yes. For some.

And you’re disappointed in that? Yes. And have judgment on that? Yes. Yes.

And that judgment makes you upset. Yeah. So it’s about my judgment. So if I was to say, you know, I feel disappointed or angry with you. You say, it’s none of my business what he’s doing.

Right. Okay. And you really feel that, then it’s not going to make you unhappy what is not really happy to pay all the bills and have all the responsibility in it, right? No, no, no, I’m not saying that. No.

If you have an agreement that you both take care of that and he’s not doing his share, you know, then you pull him up and say listen, this is what we agreed upon, this is what I want you to do, I can’t do this anymore. Or you can say, I can’t do this anymore. Which means that if he can’t do it, it has some consequences for you. And you do not want to take these consequences. So you keep on pushing him in a certain direction where he doesn’t want to go, you know, but maybe you have to accept he doesn’t want to go there and take the consequence from that.

And that’s painful, isn’t it? Yeah, but this how we live, you know. We expect something from other people. Or maybe you make an agreement and then one person doesn’t keep the agreement. And then what we’re doing is it is too painful to separate.

So we start pushing the other person to go in a direction where they actually don’t want to go. And even if they they do not want to go there, we somehow keep expecting because that’s easier than to take the consequence of saying it’s not happening. Truth in that sense can be very, very painful. Do we recognize that? We do that, We do that with other people.

No, we all do that. We all do that all the time. Maybe not in that big sense but we do that all the time. So what do we do? If you want to be honest what do we do?

If we are in situation what do we do? Honesty is not just towards others, right? Honesty is towards ourselves too. I guess you would if you really it’s really eating you up you just I’m just I’m being nice. I’m not saying too much about it because I don’t wanna upset this person.

And if it’s really eating you up, I guess all I can think of is you really have a think about how you’re gonna put it to your husband or whatever the case might be. Just gently and really have to think about it. If I can if I put it this way, it won’t hurt his feelings. Unfortunately Is that a problem hurting his feelings? Yeah.

It can be. People can react if you hurt their feelings in all sorts of ways. So what I can suggest is that you you gotta be very mindful about how you you can maybe talk about lots lots of different things, but if you’re very, very gentle, you might just be able to say, listen. I’m a little bit disappointed in this. I’d I’d like to see you do well.

I’d like our relationship to work. Tactfulness, gentleness is all I can think of answering the question. What can we do? But you do say I’m disappointed in you. That’s what you would like to say?

I think you can go back one more further step and say to yourself, it’s not this or that, there’s other options I can look at. Once you start to protect a position, you feel defensive and then you attack somebody. So I think it’s important to be able to step back and say, Really, what’s important? Can I live with less? Do I have to have all this?

It’s not work because should he work as hard as I am? You know? Does it have to? Nobody’s built equally matters. What about this?

It’s painful, isn’t it? No, it’s good. It’s not It’s actually that painful. Not painful? Okay, good.

That’s a advice. We’ll get there in the end? Yeah, and what is my priority? Is that a relationship or is that Yeah. He a you just take the facts to him.

So you take yourself out of it and just say, oh, so you weren’t high? Okay. Well, you know, just so you know, there’s, you know, a two thousand dollar gas bill on them. You know, just like stating the facts without putting your expectations. I think you’ve put all of expectations.

What I meant to say is, yeah, just, like, there’s nothing cruel about stating just facts, like, so just the truth. Mortgage is due and the gas is Without putting an I in front of it? Mhmm. I need you to pay the mortgage. Like, you know, the mortgage is there.

Mhmm. Or does that Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If she says that, she’s still it’s still her worry and you’re still not sharing the worry.

Is that a bit of manipulation? Yeah. Well not if you’re just stating the facts, mean if you’re just taking your emotions But I think the fact that you are, you are stating the facts shows something, shows that your worry is in the in the mortgage. He doesn’t come to her and say, hey, the mortgage hasn’t been paid yet, you know. I’m not working.

You’re working and you haven’t paid the mortgage yet. He would not do that. Wouldn’t want to. The fact that Suzanne has to come with that already means that she feels more responsibility than him, which is already the problem. That’s right.

I think it’s about respect. You know? I think it’s very difficult to respect, in my opinion, a partner who isn’t sharing the load. Mhmm. Partnership.

Mhmm. You feel he’s not taking care of his male duties. You expect a man to do something different? Yeah, and it’s an expectation. Yep.

And it’s my own truth. Yes. It’s not a universal truth. No. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. So you can see if you want to hold on to that or if you can change that. I found that word respect very interesting because I I can associate with that when somebody feels letting you down. Know, it’s all going your way.

And and and you just feel they’re losing respect for for your perception. Mhmm. And is their life more important than mine? Is their happiness more important than mine? Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? To To burden someone with a high load for them because they perceive But you feel that you’re burdened with a load? Well, I think So what I feel that you need is that your partner takes the load? Takes the responsibility. At least shares.

Yeah. You see, it’s hard because what you expect them to do and what you think that they could do to their half may never happen. Yes. Correct. And then you get to that really scary point, don’t you more like what you accept?

And see, what you think that the other person can do isn’t what that is. Are you then putting something onto the other person by having that expectation in the first place? I don’t know because I have these problems more differently. But it’s all there is to what you expect them to do. They just won’t do it no matter what and you expect every time it’s gonna be different, and it never is.

That’s so wrong. Sorry. Even think you had something that you didn’t even have. That’s isn’t Can I say into that? Yes.

Females in society. Come on, Michael. Is that right? Well, I’m not sure. I’m asking.

Uh-huh. Is this a question to the women here? Do do women like to change the the man? Well, it is. Is this a point?

Is this is this an aspect of what’s going on here? No. I think I think the thing was I’ve Oh, no. Absolutely not. And an agreement because I’ve come from a past relationship where I’ve had similar experience.

So you attract men who do that. So I I would look into that one. Woman. That’s right. No.

No. That’s it. I’m repeating. So yeah. Yeah.

So so so that is one of my patterns, obviously, because I’ve done it again. But the statement in the beginning was, well, hey. We’re gonna share it. I’ve never do that to you. I’ve never been.

I’ve always done it. Well, of course, hasn’t happened. So I don’t think it’s that I wanted to change. It’s that I think I I believe that I was marrying someone different for who well, action speaks louder, I guess. You can say a lot of things.

You can say I I do this, this, and this, and this, but then in reality, it’s something tell you everything. But if you marry two times the same type of guy, a similar guy, you have to look into what it is in you that attracts that, isn’t it? So even if you put on him and you say I think you should do and I expect and I’m disappointed, that’s all not going to change it, isn’t it? Because you already know how he’s going to react and it’s all going to be your blame and you know because you are the strong independent woman you should be able to do that. So don’t go there.

Go It’s like happiness on somebody else’s doing a certain thing. Yeah. Correct. It can happen nine out of ten but not ten out of ten. So back to Buddhist basics is to find out what it is that makes you happy, that’s independent of other people.

That’s how I see it. Yeah. No. You’re absolutely right. So is it so is it wrong to expect?

I think that’s one of the issues. That’s right. Behave in a certain way. Yeah. We talked about that last week, isn’t it?

And Buddhism does no right and wrong. So should I not have those expectations? There is no right and wrong. But we have expectations, then these expectations start to look like the truth. This is how this person really is.

And then in reality they show something else. And when they show, normally they show less than what we expect them to do and what then happens is that we get angry because somehow we have this ideal picture of them in our mind and we believe that they really are like that. And then when they don’t act in accord with that we get angry and we get upset. How can you do that? And we forget that we created these expectations.

We created this image of that person. It has nothing to do with the person. That’s not the perceived truth of them. That was what we believed was the truth. Yeah, but if you now look back If you look back, did that person ever behave like that?

In the beginning? A few months? Uh-huh. So then when he changed until you married him and then it changed. So when did you realise that he changed?

Within six months of being married. So it took you six months to see that. People can also tell you everything you want to hear and you believe it and think, oh this feels really nice, and then you start realising they’re not doing it. Hang on, you said this. Can say whatever is You You can say all the nice things in the world, but I’d rather you show it.

But he showed it to you, and then it changed when you got merit. So you’re right. I mean, there’s lots of things about changing your frame of reference and looking at it through. It’s like, yeah. And I mean, I guess that’s part of the reason why I’m here to to look within for the answer, not externally.

You have to look for that happiness within. Do do we make our happiness dependent upon the other person so we set ourselves up for a potential fall? Attachment. But I mean in every relationship that we have there is there is there is part of it is love and part of it is attachment. And on the basis of attachment, attachment in itself creates already a person that is not really the person.

You know, it’s like because of our attachment, we already have these pink rose colored glasses that makes things more beautiful than they really are. The mind creates a fantasy. Normally attachment exaggerates the good qualities. So then when somebody shows some certain qualities, you see them even bigger than they really are. And then when the relationship continues at a certain point you start to realize, oh they’re not really like that there.

You know? So that’s why I ask you when did you start, when did you discover that it was not completely there. And I even wonder if you didn’t see something that wasn’t really there. If you would see your husband now, even if he would have that aspect of, you know, working and taking his own share, would he really or would you see that he would not be able to do that? What do you think?

Do you think he changed or do you think Yeah, I think that that my experience with the other chap as well when I was in America was he was sick. He was earning his own living and paying his own mortgage, and then they come and live with me, and they say that I’m independent and strong and hardworking, then they go, oh, I’ve got a good catch here. I’ll just take a chill pill now. Mhmm. You know, that’s I think that’s the reality.

Mhmm. So you take Oh, dear. I don’t mean to Right. Don’t take this the wrong way, but do you feel that maybe you subconsciously allow them to start going down that path? Unless.

I don’t know. It must be. They they feel well, she doesn’t mind. Said, I don’t know if it’s true or not, but this guy’s opinion was, you know, women can tend to put up and put up and put up and put up with it, and then they just snap. And the guy’s saying, hang I thought it was alright.

The last six months, he never because women will just go out of their way to please their husbands. I’m not saying you’re doing that. I’m just saying I read it recently, and I I whether it’s true or not, don’t know. It’s interesting. Well, sometimes it’s easier to be dishonest because then you don’t have to confront.

Yeah. True. I know. I mean, We do not have to do that. That’s why we’re here.

We do not have to do that. You’re not here to go into your own story. You’re here to get out of your story. We can change that today. We can start being honest.

And yes, being honest can be very painful for yourself. When you are honest you might actually discover that this relationship actually doesn’t fit me. Or the way how I behave in a relationship is actually not really serving the purpose that was there before. Actually I thought that if you have a partner, it is a very important lesson. Actually reflects what you need to learn.

And each partner you go through is the same story, something is wrong. So instead of running away, actually face your problem and resolve it. Because a lot of times, like you say, the attachment and the ego is the problem. You let yourself in, like say, the person loves you so much and the person reacted and then that’s when you fell and you feel very unhappy because you’re dishonest with yourself and then you start to look at the attachment. You slowly come out of it.

You become a better person. And the other person is your teacher, you should be grateful and not run away. Absolutely. You obviously attract what you need. Yes, you need.

But you have to listen, you’ll have to hear that in the right way, isn’t it? Because some people attract abusive people and then they say, oh I attract what I need, as if, you know, but nobody We need a lot of wisdom in order to deal with this, right, with problems. By looking within, by marrying your own inner life. That question is wrong. It’s a rough question.

I think as you progress in life, you tend to meet situations that suits your growth. I think that’s what I believe. Yes. Well, you can stand like that in life. That whatever whatever whoever appears in front of you is there for a reason, is you can learn something from that person.

And when we if you look into the guidelines that is where we started with humility, that we can learn for each and every person in the world. So whoever we meet, we are not better, we’re not worse, we are just there for each other to learn from each other. And if you have that attitude then, you know, you’re very open and you’re very your mind becomes very flexible and And that can be a basis for honesty. Going back to honesty. So finding your way to honesty in the situation where you are.

Honesty, maybe we should say honesty is not necessarily being honest to the other person expressing your truth. Honesty is looking inside and saying: Is this where I am? Is this what I want to do? Is this, you know, because I think if you lie in order to please others, there is a lot of dishonesty can be there towards yourself. If you can be honest towards yourself and you are aware of where you are, you can say something to the other person in order not to hurt the other person without letting go of your truth.

Right, you don’t have to speak, I think, necessarily the truth blunt, hurtful, but you do not have to lie about the truth either. I think, I actually personally think that the more connection that we have with our, with, the more honest we are with ourselves, the more wisdom we will find in how to deal with the truth in relation to others. You know, if we are really honest with ourselves we can speak very skillfully the truth. And sometimes we say it and sometimes we don’t say it. We know when to say it and when not to say it.

I don’t think honesty is necessarily that we will put the truth on the table. What do you think? And sometimes the truth can be hurtful and you still feel that you have to say it. And sometimes it’s better to keep the truth in sight because it’s not going to be beneficial. You know for instance the truth can be beneficial but hurtful, painful, but a truth can also be very nice but not beneficial.

That old saying like if you don’t have anything good to say don’t say. If what you’re saying is not going to benefit anyone else then it doesn’t need to be said. But then, yeah, I agree. But then in relation to yourself, if you’ve got to examine yourself whether you’re living living or not. You have to be honest with yourself.

So how are we with money? How honest are we with money? You’re working on it. I think the more money people have, the less honest they are about. And you find out.

Woah. You throw some statements here. Let’s challenge that. Let’s check that if that’s true. Sorry?

I I just find that most bosses are all down plan and they’re well. And it’s quite difficult. I think people like most about money when they feel they need it more than so if you’re a person who need money, you’re probably more willing to lie just to get by. So it’s not I’m not I don’t reckon it’s about You lie when you need money. Yeah.

Is that true? When you create that need, yeah. Is that true? So you said the more money you have, the more you lie. And you say I’m saying it’s more about if you need it, you lie.

When I say need, I mean when you’re under when you feel that when you’ve got a great need for it. Not just, you know, you can you you might have everyday needs for money. Yeah. But for instance, you might have created that might be your life Yeah. That you’re you make money, and that’s so then you’re quite willing to lie to So you think poor people lie easier than about money than rich this bill for you as long as you don’t have any other money to pay anything else.

But in reality, I might have twenty dollars. I could have paid a bit towards that other bill. And I’ll say, no. I’m I’m broke. You want me see what I mean?

Because I because I really need to pay those bills. You know? And so but if I’m really honest with myself, all that I could find a way to pay them somehow. Uh-huh. You know?

So I think I know I’m guilty because I’ve been very very very poor before, like homeless or, you know, and that you can justify you say, it’s justified. Like, I’m I’m really hard up against it, you know. You can see that. And you can also see I haven’t eaten tonight. You know?

I need this food, but when it comes down to it, but if you’re really honest with yourself, you know, I could actually go without that food until the next morning. Know? Or what I even hear you saying is that I can find a way to Yeah. To get the money if I’m Honestly, if it really matters If it really matters, I can find the money. That’s what you’re saying.

Mhmm. Why are you not doing it? Oh, I’m speaking about in the past and In the past, you’re doing it now. That’s good. I’m good now.

That’s good. That’s good. That’s a strength if you can do that. So they are very very poor people. If you go to the east, they are very very poor people and they are so unbelievably generous.

They give you everything they have. Who have that. Actually, I don’t want to generalize and say the poor and the rich. I want to say But I did that. Yeah.

And what I’m saying is that some people, if you the the greater desire you have for money, the more likely you are you’re gonna lie for it. So Desire. The more desire for money. That’s greed, isn’t it? Yeah.

Greed. You’re lie. I was just saying that’s one of the ways it’s becoming a little bit, you know, people who are rich are very careful and not What? You have to come to Buddhist class! You’re probably right.

What did you say? They end up with a lot of money because they’re greedy. Oh, actually some do. Agree. I’m saying I know some people are well off.

Yeah. And yet they’re really stingy. Yeah. And they’re well off and that’s part of the reason they’re well off. No, no, no.

It’s not. It’s not. You’re well off because you have the karma to be well off. You can you can become rich by giving everything away. You become rich financially, but you could you could give everything away and all of a sudden everyone thinks you’re amazing and so generous.

So then they give you money to further what you’re doing and No no no you’re making completely wrong and I’m gonna stop you because if people are gonna believe what you’re saying that’s completely completely wrong. Where is money coming from? You know and now I go on a little sidetrack into Buddhism. Money comes from generosity. Money comes from generosity.

From stinginess comes poverty. Right? And then there are people around who seem to have a lot of money in the bank and who behave stingy If you’re going to believe that a stinginess is the cause for their wealth No? There are some people who are stingy and they have a lot of money. A lot of money is coming from the practice of generosity.

If you want to be happy you practice generosity. That is going to make you happy and that is going to create wealth. Financial wealth? Yes, financial wealth. Sooner or later?

It might be sooner or later. If you’re stingy, it’s very easy to lose your money. Also, it’s like, you know, just look into your mind how it feels like when you’re stingy. You know? The mind closes down, it’s a very unpleasant, unhappy feeling.

You know, I I mentioned in my earlier class, I would go back to Bhutan and do some work there. And I’ve just had people flooding with offers of money, equipment, medical, just overwhelming. You know, so is it about intention what you put out? Well, you know, wanted to go over and do this help these people. People that I haven’t spoken to for a year, you know, it would ring.

Well, it can be very inspiring if you see somebody who’s giving. Then you want to help that person to give, yeah. So I guess I was saying is maybe is there some connection between money and intention or money? No, there is, if we talk about giving, giving, then giving is the wish. Giving is actually the wish to give.

It’s not the act itself because I can give with a very stingy attitude. That’s not really giving. Giving is the wish to give. Giving is a generous mind. And I don’t necessarily have to give anything to be generous.

I can be generous without giving anything practically. Or I can be generous with giving a little little bit, but with a big heart. And I can give you a lot and be very stingy. You know, and you will feel that, what I give you really. Isn’t it?

You feel if it comes from a good heart or not. It doesn’t have to be money then. It doesn’t have to be money. When I when I give you my words, that’s also form of generosity. I’m getting scales.

You’re getting scales. Yes. So who of you is not honest with money? Can you trace in your own way of living that there is sometimes dishonesty with money? For instance you go to the shop and the girl gives you five dollars too much.

Do you tell her or not? No, I do not. You do? I’ll give you an example of dishonesty with money that happens to me. That happened to you, yep.

And I see this one hundred dollars bill on the floor, so I pick it up and I take it, right? My reasoning being, now if I say, who lost the hundred dollars? Everybody’s gonna say, it’s mine. So at that point, I didn’t know there was a a better way of doing it, so I kept it. But in hindsight no.

I mean, somebody else will do it. In hindsight, I said, perhaps if I didn’t say how much it was and I tell the girl to say, look, us who lost money, and if they say the right amount, I’ll give it back. I didn’t think about it by the time. So you kept it? According to Buddhism that’s not what you do.

The moment you take it and it’s not yours and you know it’s not yours that’s a form of stealing. Even if you give it away, doesn’t matter. You’re giving away money that’s not yours. You know, what kind of offering is that? It’s about to be the same thing.

That’s what Marian Lake’s car park. Seven in the morning, there was a fifty dollar note flying through the parking lot. Yeah. I like picked that up, but then I did donate. I wrote a check to charity.

It was your car. Mhmm. Generous. I only had the same experience. So that was that steel stealing.

Oh, really? I knew with it. According to the lit if you take the dharma literally, it is. So what if you try to give it back to the person that you don’t have who had lost their Yeah. Know.

Who’s dirty. I know. It’s very difficult. You don’t know that you’ve stolen Well, there was no one in you. And you’ve done your best.

Yeah. I I I don’t I can’t give you any answer to that. I just know that I read that. I I heard something that this idea is to be true. The charity one of these charities, and there’s a lot of them around, you’re going to a shopping center and there are people in teams.

Now one of these charities, and I know this is true, this is factual, has been set up by husband and wife accountants, and they’re taking for the whatever they get. They’ve got people on the phones, and they’ve got they’ve got people visiting shopping centers. And both husband and wife are taking a thousand dollars each for themselves. And they’ve gone and all that any anyone here can go and set up a charity. We can decide But what do you wanna say with this?

Well, then now I know that I’m reluctant to give money to this charity, But are you honest with money? I think I am. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Everywhere? So when you go with a boss, you always pay? That’s not a real yes. That’s like Are you?

Well, look. You always pay? In what situation? You do? Yeah.

In what situation? If you go on the bus and Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

And your tax, you do that nicely? Oh, yes. Yes? Yes. Do.

Yes. I do pay. Yes. And I gave him some money. And felt good about doing that because he he needed it, obviously.

And I’d like to I’d like to give money, but I’d like it to go to someone who needs it, not Yeah, that’s your ego. Don’t, you know, if you you you just you you giving giving means that you give unconditionally no matter what the other person does with it. What if you believe they’re going to buy drugs with it? Do you believe it to them? If you believe, if you know they’re going to buy drugs and you do not want to contribute to that, you don’t have to give to them.

Know? But you say unconditional? Yeah, but you don’t have to give. But if you give it’s up to the person to decide what they’re going do with it. But if you know beforehand that person is going to use drugs, so I’m not going to give, that’s okay, you know.

But if the person says to you, Oh, I need money and because I’m so hungry and blah blah blah, you relieve the person, you give them money and they go straight and buy a bottle of beer. You say: Hey, but I didn’t give you that. That’s all up to that person, isn’t it? They create a lie, you gave because you want to help somebody to eat. If they decide to do something else with the money, it’s their it’s their their thing, isn’t it?

Then you have to let it go. Yeah. Can do that too. Yep. Really struggle with that hundred dollars on the on the street.

Yeah. So, like, would a good Buddhist just leave it? Just leave it? If you no. Without putting I I can only say what is in the text.

Right? So I can I can I can share with you what I’ve heard from the teachers who say that if you find money and it’s not yours and you take it and you make yours, that is an act of stealing? But it’s not anyone’s. It is somebody, somebody lost it. What if someone deliberately put it on the ground and walked away?

How do I know something? Well, then there was the can the the camera who says I’m just wondering whether out of the two options of picking it up and putting notes on all the trees and places around it, have you lost any money? And, you know, someone calls up and they can have no giving back. Or or is it better to just leave it? I don’t know.

Because I’ve had it happen. I don’t know. I’ve heard another belief that you should take it but you must replace it with double what you picked up. Is that right? Yeah, I’ve got a travelled friend who’s told me that one.

I’m not sure where it comes from. I think you have to try to do everything. What you have to try not to do is to say this is mine. Right? So you say I found this money and I’m going to try to find the owner.

You do try to do that. You know sometimes it’s easier not to find the money at all because it’s quite a hassle to do that. So what about winning it in the lottery if that’s okay? That’s okay, that’s your cover. Know, you can share that, no problem.

Finding the money is your karma and seeing that as an opportunity to practice honesty is your karma or practice honesty is something else than, I mean when we talk about the guidelines we don’t talk about karma, we don’t talk about stealing, but I just pull that in because it’s coming from there. And I do not have the answer to this. I just do not have it. Because yes, it is a problem. If you find a wallet, you try to find the person and then you can’t find the person, you know, you can never say this is my wallet because you will always know it’s not your wallet.

You can’t do anything with it, you can’t even throw it away. So it’s, you know, it’s difficult. Maybe the advice for that type of thing. Maybe the police has advice. Well, police say you can keep it up to seven weeks or whatever.

I know. Yeah. Do you know? I never knew that. Mhmm.

I thought that police Legally, if you found if you find a hundred dollars, you should call the police station. Say, I found a hundred dollars. If no one rings up the police station and says, I’ve lost a hundred dollars, then after eight weeks, it’s legally your money. So I think think you can go without. Can go without.

Yeah. Then you have to try what is in society, what is normal, what is agreed upon. But I’m not sure if I would keep the money as mine, you know? Maybe I would do something with it. Maybe then you could give it away, maybe.

That’s a good way to do it. So should we merely give the money in good faith and not buy the money? I don’t wanna say what you should. I think what we have to try to do is to find the honesty. Mhmm.

You know? In ourselves. In ourselves. Yeah. So how many times do we do we are we dishonest with our speech?

A lot? Yes. More than with money. Money is easier than the speech. Who is the main object?

Money, to be honest with money is easier than to be honest with our speech. Oh yeah, thought you said that was awesome. Yes. So the main reason to be dishonest, what is that? To benefit ourselves.

Personal gain. To feel good. So you please the other person? These are the two main reasons? To benefit yourself or to please the other person.

What about white It still benefits yourself now, doesn’t it? It’s a white lie, like if you see somebody, you you want to save that person and you say, Oh, I didn’t see that person. Didn’t see? You know how it is, a white lie is supposed to be good. You don’t say the truth.

You think that you’re saving the other person. A good intention. Give the example again. See a crime? Oh, mean just see too many of those detectives who please.

If you’re saving somebody and then let’s say if you see something that is harmful and you don’t want the person behind them. Or let’s say a woman running the other direction and the husband is coming and then you saw where he’s coming and then the man said, Where is she at? And you saw, pretend that you don’t see it. It’s a white lie. You don’t tell the person.

It’s a lie. How would you say that? How would you put that? I don’t know. Is that honest?

Honesty is about ourselves and about we’re looking for a way to be happy. Right? Honesty is not about others. And what we do, we create a lot of dishonesty in order to maybe socially or to be more loved or to be part of the group? To feel good.

To feel good and that makes us feel good but do we really feel good? If you say, even if you tell a white lie, how good do you feel? Motivation was to save somebody. To save somebody. So I think that’s okay.

You could say maybe. No. No. It’s not lying, it’s the truth. Maybe they did go that way.

Honestly, it’s about I would keep in mind, it’s about not harming. Mhmm. Right? Maybe hurting, but not harming. So if somebody wants you to if you can save somebody with your speech, you know, then I think that that is not necessarily dishonesty what you what you show.

If you’re honestly wanting the best For instance, yeah. Honesty is a state of mind. What if the person cooks something that’s so terrible and I’ll see whether it’s nice. What would you say? You try to find something nice.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Even if it tastes bad, you find something The color’s really nice together on the plate. It’s very healthy, yeah. Very So that’s a good idea, don’t you think?

To is it is that honesty? We have to go back to the topic. It’s avoiding. Yeah. Because then you might get the same cooked over and over.

This is when I said that once, I liked them. If I didn’t really, then I go, goodness knows how many times. Uh-huh. But it’s still truthful if you say if what you say is the truth. If there is something that is Well that you do like about it.

Yeah. If they say, do you like it? Well, I said If you If you lie, you know, and then you get it back again and again and again. But what you are saying is you don’t lie. You actually find something that you do like about it.

How about if you express it as an opinion it’s acceptable? It’s not the truth. Like how would you say it? I won’t say it’s not nice because somebody else might say it’s nice. You say I don’t like it but I know so and so does.

So it’s an opinion, so it’s softer as you say. You can also say how to improve so you’re creating a positive atmosphere. You don’t have much experience with women. Oh my god. Okay, maybe it’s got too much salt in it.

The texture’s nice, but just go a little bit easier on the salt. I would next time. I would. So that’s being, you know, you’re being you’re being honest though, aren’t you? That’s bluntly on but you’re you’re not being you’re not being rude or you’re not being you’re not saying, look.

It’s just crap. And then that’s the end of it. Uh-huh. That’s that’s that’s being that’s being honest But but you said something that gave a big reaction here. So you must say you’re aware of something that you’re doing.

I think you should say no. So somebody cooks for you, which is most of the many times these are women and they give it to you and you as a bloke say I would say something so that they can improve. That is the first mistake you can make. Don’t go there. I’m generalizing, though.

I’ve got I I it was a generalized statement. What I think I’d probably quit. Yeah. You said something last week that I really like, and it’s very powerful for me. Brilliant.

And you said it’s not so much what you do. It’s not so much what you say. It’s how you make them feel. Uh-huh. Yeah.

So you didn’t like the meal. Did you like the meal, Martin? Well, it was a bit odd because you put that in. But you know what? It was so nice.

You went to the trouble of cooking it for me, and, you know, and I really appreciate Sweet. And I oh, well, putting a nutmeg in lasagna was a bit funny. But, you know, that’s really cute. So I really appreciate the work with them. And then you can say what you think as long as you’re very mindful, and I really liked what you said.

That was about kindness. Yeah. And that was not actually my words. That were the words, I think, from Mother Teresa. Yeah.

Oh, okay. See you. See you, Lee. Thanks. Thanks for your time.

See you. Bye. I will send a call. Yeah. So you’re saying you when you’re honest, you can be honest as long as you you you make sure that other person feels your kindness in that.

The guitarist isn’t playing something how you wanna play it. So rather than say that’s not very good, you say, gee, you’re fantastic. You can do this thing so well. You’re so gifted. I know you could.

Mean, it’s it’s a bit of manipulation. Making them Depends on your intention maybe. Sorry? Depends on your intention maybe. Feel that sincerely.

And then I don’t think it’s manipulation. Said or what they’ve done or whatever. Depending on sort of person you like, order to be honest and truthful to yourself, you feel that you’ve got to was that where it’s wrong? Was about to say that you feel that you’ve got to voice your opinion on the thing. Is that should one not voice one’s opinion?

I don’t know, I’m not going to say that. Should or shouldn’t. That’s up to your wisdom to decide. Because that’s where judgment is coming in, isn’t it? Because if you don’t agree with someone you’ve obviously got a different opinion to them.

But I guess you’re judging what you think is right whereas it’s not necessarily Well you can have a different opinion knowing that you have a different opinion but if you judge what you’re saying is that is right and that is wrong. So if you’ve got a different opinion Yeah. Should you keep it to I shouldn’t say the word should in this whole honesty thing, somebody says something, you don’t agree with what they’ve said or a different opinion, what does one do? Depends on the situation and the person. It doesn’t say anywhere that you cannot say that.

You know? But I think what you express as what you’re doing is that you are quite strong and this is alright and this is not alright to do. And that strong judgement makes that you can get very angry and that also can upset other people very strongly because you tell them what you’re doing is wrong, you know. But if you just have a different opinion there’s nothing wrong with that. So if you take your judgment of things, how you say yeah and if you allow that person to be different than you there is nothing wrong with that.

Many times when we are trying to be honest we have the feeling we’re risking something, know, the approval of the other person or maybe we feel that we’re putting our relationship on the scale. So you say it like that? Is that a way of saying it? That a Dutch way of saying it? You put your relationship at risk?

But if you really look into it and you would be honest, do you really put your relationship at risk? Do you really sometimes it feels so that we will have to lie. We have to be a little bit dishonest, otherwise, and we make a big story. But if this is the story really as big as we think it is? Or is it just our fantasy that creates such a big story?

Honesty is the basis for trust, isn’t it? Honesty has a lot to do with trust. Yeah. Also we can’t know the other person, what their reaction will be. We can’t know that whatever we say will or will not cause hurt or harm.

Yeah. But we create in our mind already an idea how it’s gonna be, isn’t it? Yeah. So how does honesty lead to happiness? It’s It’s free?

Oh, sorry. What was that, Chitty? Say how’s honest do you think you’ve had it? And you said sets it free, I’m just muttering sets it free because Sets you free. Sets you free.

Well set you free. I suppose it does. The Honestly, that what do you think? Well, it does well, I don’t know if it does set you Well, free. I think it I don’t know if it sets you free.

I think it you have to confront it makes you confront something that you might not otherwise confront. Yeah. Mhmm. That also does for you. And it can I But where does it lead?

I don’t know if it does it. It’s very vengeful. So that looks very horrible, to be honest. So does honesty lead to happiness? Obviously does.

Does it? Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe in our society it doesn’t. Maybe that knot that gets inside of you, that guilt feeling, it allows you to let go of something, another layer that can build up within you. So in a way it is like letting you free.

So you don’t have to remember all the lies that you’ve had. You feel that You ease up. Your mind eases up. Although it still creates discomfort if you have to be truthful about something and worry about how the other person’s gonna react. But that’s only before you say it until you work out that it’s actually going to be better in the long run anyway.

If we are dishonest, what you’re saying we have all these layers, isn’t it? That we have to remember what we said to this person and say to that person and make sure that we are always consistent with that and it’s very very tiring, costs a lot of energy. And we make it more complicated. So what happens with our sleep? We have to remember all these things that we have been creating during the day.

So the mind will relax more maybe, relaxed. More alienated, maybe. Well it could be. If speaking, if being honest makes you feel alienated are you in the right place from the beginning? Well it can happen, you know, for example, in an environment you can’t get out of, like at school.

Mhmm. You know, one of the teachers said, oh, how’s so and so and and so getting such good grades in the class? I said, well, it’s pretty bloody obvious. They’re cheating. They’ve got the books, the biology books under the well, I mean, it’s I was totally alienated, you know, because those were the cool girls in the class and Mhmm.

How dare you. Mhmm. And that was just, you know, a year of hell because And you were one of the girls in school? Stand up to that sort of you know, and you’re very alienated by making that honest statement. That’s right.

Yeah. And it wasn’t meant with malice. It was kind of just an uprooting. Well, of course, they’re doing well. They’re cheating.

I’m never Was that a teacher asking you? Yes. Did they ask you anything? It was privately. And Would you do that again?

Or would you put some wisdom in that? Yeah, I’ve been in similar situations where I’ve just not got involved and I’ve just not said anything like work cover, dealing with work cover if I know someone’s cheating the system or I’m very reluctant to to highlight that. Mhmm. What if you said to them, I sort of think I’ve got an idea of what’s happening, but I really feel comfortable I don’t wanna I’ll tell you, but I I don’t wanna cause any negativity or discomfort. No.

But it’s about honesty. It’s not about others. It’s about us. And it’s about us being maybe trustworthy. I think it can in the Western world be very alienated.

Mhmm. You know, my experience at school growing up is grade one at school. I went to a church of England girls school. I told the nuns that I wasn’t baptized in religious education class. So they told the rest of the class I wasn’t in God’s family because I wasn’t baptized.

So I sat on a swing for the first three years of my life on my own because no one would play with me because I wasn’t baptized. I wasn’t in God’s family. So, you know, telling the truth makes an extremely ancient, you know, a Western way. But do you have to tell the truth in order to be honest? Well I thought that was a true question.

But now looking back, you know, because I can see that for some people that’s the same, right? Honesty and telling the truth is the same. So they do that and then they tell the truth and they actually have these experiences like you. And then you feel every time when I’m honest this happens to me but can you be honest without putting yourself in such a vulnerable situation? Looking back.

Would you do something differently where you are still honest but you do not put yourself in a situation that you feel alienated? Yeah, I think you can be more subtle about it. It’s for a child. Let’s Suzanne, I want to hear Suzanne. Because I think Suzanne is a person who just is up front.

And people will appreciate her for that, but she is also hurt many times because of that. And you like to be honest, but at the same time you get hurt because you’re honest. So what I want to challenge you if you can be honest and apply a little bit more wisdom so that you don’t get hurt so many times. So you don’t give your honesty away. But honest is for you straight.

So can you hold that honesty without having to put that out there exactly the way you feel it? Without losing your honesty, without losing your honesty. I don’t know, find that challenging. I don’t know, think sometimes I can and other times something, which as an adult, if somebody said that to you, you’d you’d say that’s that’s not fair. That’s not right.

I disagree with you. But as a child, you think, oh, I can’t say anything back to the teacher because they’re the teacher. So you do just take it on board. And and then just that experience you just related to me reminded me of something that happened to my daughter. She’s eleven now.

She was nine or ten. And they were going through basketball training, and the girls were messing around with the trainer. And she said, stop messing around. You need to pay attention to us. And consequently, when she came home, she started to cry and was really upset.

And she said, everyone’s gonna hate me now. They’re gonna all the girls gonna bitch about me. And she was in tears, and we had to have this discussion that sometimes it’s very difficult to stand up, to do what’s right, you know, and have the courage to say what’s right even if it makes you unpopular. You know? And as an adult, so many times we struggle with that.

So for nine year old girl, you want to have those principles. Do you think you can have it easy by being honest? Know? I I think that there there is sometimes pain pain with honesty. Doing the right thing, you know, is hard.

There is, but I think you experience more pain than Athena. Everyone’s heard that story about the farmer with a horse in the village, isn’t it? No. What’s the story? A quick one, right?

So he owns a horse, and then everybody says, Oh, you’re so lucky. And the horse ran away, and they all say, Oh, you’re unlucky. And horse came back with seven other horses, and he closed the door, and said, Gee, you’re lucky. The horse ran away. Now you’ve got seven.

It reminds me of this because I think it’s not a bad thing that actually happens to you. No, I know. Because you’re out of that system and you’re not here. Listen to something truthful. The way I see it is not a bad thing that you had such a hard life when you’re young.

It makes you very compassionate very well. So it’s a good thing. Or you want to call it a bad thing another time, you can. But it’s not important, right? But what I was saying was not that.

What I was saying is that when we talk about honesty, some people feel that they are only honest when they put their whole truth out there. And that makes them very vulnerable because all the others can just judge them for their truth. But you can also be truthful without putting yourself completely out there. Know that is what I was saying, like use that truth with wisdom. I’m not saying to her become less truthful because I think it’s a very beautiful characteristic but so I think sometimes we mix these things.

You can be honest without putting it completely out there, without putting it in the hands of others to judge you on that. You know, and that is what she does. You understand? Yeah, I do. I’m saying that it doesn’t matter if others judge you badly because ups and downs happens, and you just have to live.

The way I see it is to truthfully. It’s true. You you were saying how does honesty lead to happiness? Yeah. And like you’re saying, I think because when you’re honest, you have to you are forced to face reality, the real world and the consequences of, like, life, you know, and then and that makes you happy because it’s a lesson you learn from it and you become Uh-huh.

Happier and wiser. Uh-huh. So that honesty leads to happiness because you learn lessons. Yeah. I mean, instead of remembering the bad memories, you could choose to remember the good memories that that came out of it.

Why focus on the fact wasn’t trying to do that, but I guess my I was just using those as examples of where honesty can Honesty is not easy. Happiness where where it doesn’t always lead to happiness. That’s probably quite common. Yeah. That’s my life.

But it is a relationship to yourself. Right? Sorry. I was just saying if I was honest with everybody, I’d be in a lot of trouble and wouldn’t have many friends. But it’s honest with yourself.

With yourself, the bit. Yeah. Honest with yourself or true? You know, if you’re honest, honesty is not that you that you I think honesty has to do that you do not harm others. You know, that you’re truthful without harming others.

Yeah. So if you say if I will be honest I would have not many friends. Think To put it out there in a blunt manner. Yeah, that’s not honesty. That’s not what I’m talking about.

Yeah, yeah. So learning to work with that quality and I still feel we haven’t completely have it very, very, very clear. How do we feel when somebody treats us dishonestly? How do we feel? How do we know?

You can tell how? Don’t know. Like, I’ve been lied to several times in my relationship out of protection or, you know, they don’t want me to know the truth because it might hurt me. And it’s come from good intentions, yet something deep down, I can’t remember the lie. You know?

It’s like, tell me the truth. It’s more frustrating. I guess it hurts me just as much as the truth would hurt me, but it’s more actually, it’s probably more harmful. Because? Because I know that they’re lying and I don’t know.

Is there a disconnection happening between? Yeah, it’s disrespectful too. Even though I know it’s coming from a place where they’re just trying to If you have that problem do you have that with everybody or do you have that only with one person? I mean people who have suspicious minds, if you tell them the truth, they don’t see it. It’s very different.

But you can only look into your own mind, Yes. What I mean is that you have to find out whether it’s the suspicion that makes you feel there’s a lie. I know that it’s come out, that it was a lie. So I know that it was a lie. And it does make me more suspicious.

So I’m always sort of thinking he’s lying now. But in a way, it’s actually brought the truth out a lot more, and he’s a lot more capable of telling me the truth because he knows the hurt that it had. But you know, how do you know when you get deceived? Your gut feeling tells you? Sometimes you’re wrong.

Who can remember being deceived by somebody? Yeah. Did it come out later? Or how is that? What happens?

Usually, because they forget what truth or lie they’ve told or you someone else tells you. But how does it feel? How sad. Sad. Betrayal.

Betrayal. What happens to your trust? Does it affect your trust in other people too? Can do a lot of damage, deceiving in a relationship. So the honesty might not be always easy, you know, if you remember how it feels to be betrayed, then you can feel like, oh, that’s actually even worse.

Maybe, So you can wonder what do we lose when we start being honest? What do we lose? What do we lose and what do we gain when we become honest? Contentment and peace. You lose your contentment or you gain that?

You gain more contentment and peace. What do we lose? Our partner. Fear? You lose your fear.

You lose your partner. Anxiety? What do you find in yourself? By being honest. Yeah.

Oh, the pain of somebody saying, I don’t want to hear that anymore. It’s just intense. But if you would would be honest, you say I’m losing my partner, but what would you find in yourself? I’m not saying if I were to just be honest all the time. I’ve been told to not be so opinionated about things that I just see happening.

If you said when I’m honest I would lose my partner and I say what do you find in yourself? I’m honest? Yeah. Pain. Pain.

Because? I find pain because the person doesn’t like hearing the truth. And they and they react back to me in a negative manner and give their pain to me. And I overreact. I know this is the case, but I don’t want you to tell me about it.

So what would happen if you let go of all these relationships that you have where there is so much pain involved and you would become truthful to yourself? I react with pain. You still react with It me there. It keeps you there? Where?

In this painful situation. But what if you move out of that? What would happen? Fear. Fear.

I really react just too much to things going wrong. So I cling on and fear of things being different than they have for five years. Become attached and that people can become a habit. You see them on the weekend or you live with them or whatever it is you do. It’s almost like of the unknown are more frightening than Being in the pain of the relationship.

But but are you suggesting that we there’s we can consider letting go of that negative relationship? You can consider anything. I’m not expecting to have my specific answers for my personal opinion at all. I think you were just asking me a question. Was Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No. No. Thank you you for that.

Thank you. What I was talking about is what do we lose and what do we gain when we become honest. Yeah, that’s that was what I tried to to get clear. I think we can gain inner strength. Yeah.

And we lose fear, you said. So you lose anxiety. Anxiety? Always know how you’re gonna react and behave. You’re always going to be honest, and so you don’t You become maybe more authentic and more yourself?

You know how you’re gonna be and Yeah. Worry less about. Yeah. Maybe the attachment becomes less. The attachment comes less?

Yes. And you see it brings more caring. Mhmm. So we don’t suffer. Less of the fantasy and more of what’s going on comes Definitely less.

Uh-huh. It’s the ego that’s That’s a good thing, yeah. Going quick on the things, you see? Yeah. To I think that’s part of honesty.

Being true to yourself is a bit tricky with Buddhism now isn’t it? Why? If there is no self. That’s not good, I know, sometimes it’s some, when people say true to yourself, sometimes in I would say maybe more authentic is maybe a better word. Authentic, being authentic.

Is more true to yourself. It’s like being true to yourself. What we are doing normally is we wind ourselves up, isn’t it? We have lots of expectations of ourselves, we want to show ourselves in a certain way to other people And all that creates tension in the mind. We never are really relaxed.

It’s like we wind up. We never unwind. We always have the feeling we have to do certain things in order to please, in order to be liked, in order to be good enough, in order to and all that creates attention. And there is a kind of dishonesty in that. But so if you say being true to yourself, what I understand is then that you unwind and and can completely relax and let go of all these creations that we have of ourselves, of other people, of our expectations, of expectations that others might have of us and then you become more true to yourself.

And I think there is an aspect of honesty in that. I think people around you would like you more because you’re so simple to deal They don’t have to pretend as well. Yes. All the pretension starts to melt away. Yes, true, true.

No pretense. It’s hard to get there though, get to that place where we can really let go of all these attributes that we have put onto ourselves. Sometimes you do do it for a very short while. What? Sometimes you can just put the short while.

I gives you a bit of hope, doesn’t it? I think it’s a gradual process, know. I think we slowly, slowly learn to do that. When you meditate more, when you think about these kind of things, when you slowly learn to know that hey there are other values that I can develop or you know, connect yourself in a certain way and you start to feel confident about that and I think you can’t just go there and then the next day it’s gone. I think you go slowly, slowly, slowly towards that.

It keeps you much more in the present doesn’t it? Yep, no when you’re more in the present you relax more. I still have a meditation that we can do. Are people happy to do that unless there are questions? So make sure that you sit comfortable.

And bring your mind to your body. Focus on your breathing. Try to let go of any thoughts, images or feelings that arise. And whenever you become distracted, bring your awareness gently to the sensation of your breath going in and out. Allow yourself to come to rest and enjoy that experience.

Then reflect on the quality of honesty. Recall a situation where your honesty was put to the test and you managed to behave in a completely clean clear way. When you resisted the temptation to take something that wasn’t really offered to you or to twist the truth. How did it feel then? And how does it feel now?

Rejoice in your capacity to be honest and straight forward. Now see if you can recall a situation when you fail to be as honest and straightforward as you would have liked. And if some discomfort arise, just notice it and identify it. Recall how you felt when you were not being honest in as much detail as possible? Can you remember the sensation in your body?

Reflect on the attitudes that lay behind your dishonest action. What led you to behave in this way? What did you hope to gain from it? Did it turn out the way you expected? Now explore in your mind the implications of your behaviour, and that might take some concentration and courage.

How your lack of honesty and transparency impact on other people? What would happen if everyone behaved in this way? If you are feeling regret, can you turn this to a good purpose? Can you redirect your self critical energy and make it resolve to behave differently in the future? And visualize yourself as someone who is respected for their honesty and straightforwardness.

Imagine yourself in every instance speaking truthfully and behaving with integrity. And enjoy the sensation of having a peaceful conscience. And then we can dedicate a positive energy of this meditation to the peace and well-being of all sentient beings. And when you feel ready you can open your eyes. Thank you for coming.

I have just one announcement to make. Because we started these guidelines, to do all the guidelines, sixteen in a row. But I went last month to see Lama Zopa and he has advised me to start studying again and move on from Buddha House. Has he really been? He has, yes.

So I’m going to study in Italy. But it also means that we can’t finish all of them. Know that last time when I did the guidelines I also couldn’t finish them and I tried to fit in two in the night and that actually felt too much. Were you there when we did it? Yeah, the four when it was, I think I even had three crammed in on the last one.

Yeah, that was not nice, was it? That was okay. Mean, but it was two crammed in. Yeah. So I I I would prefer to go for one a night.

And maybe I can skip a few and just go for the really important big ones, like gratitude and forgiveness and respect. Maybe I choose the ones that I feel are most powerful. Yeah, many. Yes. Have you got before?

I haven’t counted the weeks yet. I think there is another six weeks. Yeah. Anybody coming here to take over your place? Not sure yet.

Buddha House is looking very hard. They trust they will have somebody by the time I’m leaving. Do you know what? I’ll just tell you something. Last week we did kindness.

I know the week before we practiced delight and kindness and somebody very close to me told me that they were probably have gone away as well. I’ve done it once and I tried really hard just to see the delight in what they were doing and not say what’s going to happen to me? And now practice again? It’s double, you know. Letting go is always painful, and I feel that we build it up a lot in Buddha House. And so I hope I hope somebody comes in and holds it and takes it over.

But if I only think about my future and nothing else, it’s quite exciting. Yeah, and I feel very privileged that he sends me there to do that. If you leave suddenly, there might not be someone to take over, to teach you. Well, it could be, yeah. I don’t know how fast, you know.

The teachers are not just freely available, you really have to look and have the karma that somebody is there on the right time. In what way is it exciting? Sorry? In what way is it exciting? It is exciting because the level of study is a level that I’ve never ever thought I could do that, and now I feel I can do that.

And that took me twelve years to get there, so that’s very exciting. Like twelve years I saw for the first time to study and I thought, oh no, can’t do that, I can’t do that. And I actually have never gone back to that. And when Lama Zopa said that, then I thought, wow, I can do that. So is exciting and I think having the time just to study and meditate.

You know, I’ve been at Buddha House, I have had no time to study at all and in that period it was good because I had five years of study and my mind was very full and I felt like I could have nothing more in it. So I felt like I’ve had a break of that, but now I also feel at the same time I’m ready to take on more. And just study and meditating, I feel that’s a privilege to do that in my life. And I don’t know, wants me to study The study that he wanted me to do is one and a half years, but then I don’t know if I’m going to stay there and continue the rest of the study or not or I don’t know. Yes, but I’ll start there.

Italy is quite nice, closer to my parents, they’re very old, know, so then when something happens it’s easier to go home. Will there be a farewell for you? Think they’re gonna do farewell. But the newsletter is coming almost out and I didn’t want you to read it in the newsletter. Know, it’s Sorry?

Very sorry to see you. Come to my party. You for coming. And I’ll see you guys next week.