16 guidelines for life june — Jamyang – kindness

Audio recorded at Buddha House Adelaide. Transcript auto-generated and AI-corrected; may contain errors.

About this talk. In this 130-minute teaching, Ven Jamyang explores kindness as the first of 16 guidelines for a happy life, moving from theory into dialogue with the group. He defines kindness as loving action that counteracts anger and hostility, focusing on the hardest application: staying open-hearted toward those who have hurt us. The group works through real examples—traffic, family betrayal, extreme harm—to understand why people hurt others (their own pain) and how to shift from defensiveness to compassion. Jamyang teaches that true kindness requires fierce honesty and boundaries, not compliance; that self-compassion comes first; and that imagining forgiveness can soften a hardened heart. He emphasizes the paradox that we heal by releasing the wish for others to suffer. Heavy Q&A throughout, grounded in Buddhist perspectives on anger.

File metadata (for organising)

File: Jamyang – kindness.mp3

UUID: be884f56-844d-4aa6-af23-7b8784a95886

Teacher: Ven Jamyang

Collection: 16 guidelines for life june (Ven Jamyang)

Date: 2009 (exact day not recorded)

Recorded at: Buddha House Adelaide

Duration: 129.7 minutes

Words: ~16,435

We’ll start with a small meditation just to focus the mind, make sure that all our energy is here so that we can focus better and listen better. Meditation is nothing more than I think it’s like learning to know yourself, learning to know what’s going on in your mind and learning it’s a way of how you can change habits in the mind. That we learn in this life but sometimes habits that are very, very deep and old. The deeper you go the deeper you can affect your habits. But what we’re doing now is just relaxing and making sure that we feel alright.

So to do that, the main thing is that we have a straight back, but you can close your eyes. You can have your hands on your knees or on your thighs, in your lap. Your back is straight. And at the same time relaxed. Your head is a little bit bent forward.

Your jaws are relaxed and your eyes are closed. And then be aware of your body. Be aware of your body sitting. Allow the mind to slow down. And then focus on your breathing.

You can do that by observing the rising and falling of your abdomen every time when you breathe in and breathe out. And with every time you breathe out, you let go of any tension that you hold into your body, Any thoughts about what happened today, yesterday, in the past? You let go of the mind that already wants to know what’s going to happen in the future. You let go of anything that distracts you from being here. And that can feel as if you are settling into your body, as if you come home, as if you finally can relax.

Allow yourself to do that. And then make a kind of a determination that this sitting or this class is just gonna be for you. Not one of the people that keep you busy in your mind. They’re all not here, so that this class is not for them. They can’t hear it.

So you’re letting go. And every time during the class that your mind wanders off thinking about people, thinking about situations, you remind yourself that the only thing you can do to improve whatever is by being present right now, by being in the moment, by having all your energy where your actions are. So when you notice that your mind is thinking, bring your mind back to the listening, reflecting. Listening, reflecting. And then when you feel ready, you can open your eyes.

I wanted to hit the gong, but it had disappeared. So the last four weeks, we have been talking about how we think. So can you remember which qualities that we went through? Delight. Was the last one.

Patience. humility. humility. And contentment. Very good.

Very good. Can you remember what they counteract? What humility counteracts? Which kind of emotion? Pride.

Pride. And then patience counteracts? Anger. Anger. And You know that one.

And then contentment counteracts. Is it? Contentment is when you stop wanting. So it’s more just attachment, desire. Yeah.

And then the delight that counteracts jealousy or envy. Oh, that’s the way it sounds. Yeah. So last week, I just I just wanna clarify something because what happened last week with you, I had to think about that. You you you made a suggestion that your mind normally goes into negative thinking and that you have found a tool how to change that and you go into the positive thinking.

And then I said but that means that you’re still thinking and you don’t go beyond that. And then I think someone made a comment but what we’re actually training is how to think. So that might have been confusing that I said it in the way I said it. Did anybody notice that or not? No.

Really, I think you were just suggesting that when I used the word fabulous that I was thinking about the future. Yeah. I think you said something along the lines of that’s all very well but still In the future. Yeah, you’re still not here. And it’s not that we try to stop the thinking but we are with the thinking with whatever happens to us.

How we see situations, how we view what’s going on in our life. That is what is called thinking. So not creating stories. Right? Yeah.

So you saw that distinction. That’s good. Yeah. I wasn’t sure about that. So that is how we think.

So it’s like a very very basic attitude. And we have seen that all these attitudes or these ways of thinking help us to become happier, isn’t it? It’s like a basis, it’s like a foundation that help to counteract our disturbances in the mind. So today we’re going to start with how we act and every act that we do, can act with our body, we can act with our speech and we can act with our thinking, isn’t it? Thinking can also be kind of an action.

We’re going to mainly talk about our body and our speech, actions of body and speech. If you see how, know, for instance if we want to do something, I want to go on a holiday, then we put a lot of effort in it. What is going to be nice on my holiday? I only have three weeks or two weeks. You have very short holidays in Australia.

How long do you have? Four a year. Four weeks a year. So yes it’s very precious time. You have to make sure that you’re going to feel good, you’re going to go to a place where there are things that you can do that you like that help you to restore the body and the mind so that you’re fit to go back into work.

So there is a lot of thinking that happens before you start acting. Right? That is when there are special things happening in your life. But there are many actions that we do that we don’t even think about. We go on an automatic pilot.

You know, if we go shopping, if we wake up in the morning and get up and whatever we’re doing then, if we start cooking and eating and most of the time we are not really in the moment, we’re not really aware of what we’re doing. If we relate to others, you know, we are in a family and maybe you have been thinking a little bit, if you become more aware you might also check and observe what’s going on when you meet with others. If you have never done that, definitely you relate in a certain way to people and you never wonder, is this what I would like? Is the outcome of this relationship what I would like? Does this relationship make me feel happy?

Does my input in the relationship make me feel happy? How can I do it better? And I think especially with family and maybe even very close friends, you know, we have the tendency to we feel that they just have to accept us in the way we are so we can just do whatever pops up in our mind. Thinking before the action is very unconscious, we’re not aware of that, we just do out of habit. So these are two different ways of acting.

And if you look into how we behave during the day, it’s like every moment of our life we create an action, we do an action, we engage in an action. Even if I don’t have really a physical action there are tendencies in my mind. Even if you’re just sitting here listening there is a point that you don’t feel comfortable anymore and that you have to move your body. Or there is a moment that you feel like and I want to speak. And if you get very emotional from something that I say you might speak in a very different way as that you feel that your mind is subdued and really nice and open and you know the speech changes in the way how we feel.

If last week we saw that the way we think helps us in how we feel. So then the way how we feel helps us in how we act or determines how we act. So that is why the thinking and the acting is very close together. If we feel hurt it’s difficult to act with love and kindness towards others. We become more rough, more disconnected, maybe don’t want to talk, don’t want to engage, protecting ourselves.

As one when we feel very happy and content and then we can be very open and sharing. So how we act determines a lot of how our life will be. If we for instance feel angry with somebody family and we are just angry and angry and the issue doesn’t get resolved then we start to feel miserable in our life. Slowly, slowly things become more miserable and maybe we get depressed and then maybe relationships we also start to be a little bit more angry and slowly slowly things go downhill with us. If you are angry at a certain point of the day that can actually agitate your mind also during other parts of the day.

Is also that So somehow we have a choice. We have the choice that how do I going to act? Do I going to act out of for instance anger and envy and jealousy and attachment or do I going to be caring nurturing and loving and making sure everybody’s happy? We have that choice don’t we? And if we’re very occupied with ourselves it’s very difficult to think about the other person and to think I want to care for you, I want to give you, I want to make sure that you feel happy.

If we are a little bit too self obsessed we do not do that. Is that true? So opening the mind again and again and saying I do want to care for you. I do want to open up knowing that when we do that Do we feel good when we do that? Or do we first feel good and then we start doing it?

Good. Is that for everybody? Or do you wake up one morning and you feel actually really good and happy and then suddenly you feel more caring and more willing to do things for others and no? You have those days. It can be both.

Can be both I think. And then you have to make the effort. You wanted to say something. About responsibility, who is responsible for because something you mentioned about That we have a choice. Yeah, yeah.

We’ll talk about that today, maybe get a little bit more insight in we’re not responsible for the person hurting us but we are responsible for the response to the hurt. So normally what we do when somebody hurts us, we get angry. Right? Because anger feels like a protection. Anger feels and when somebody hurts us, anger feels very justified.

You hurt me and somehow we feel we have the right to hurt back or at least to make sure that person doesn’t come close to us or no? Yeah. So then you have to work it out with yourself. Yeah. I think that’s the tough thing to do is to is it tough learn a piece of yourself.

Is it tough to learn to work with that hurt, without being able to express it and able to work through that? Or is it difficult, is there another part that is difficult? Well, I think, well, for myself, don’t think it will. For you? You you learn the skills to to keep going, to keep functioning.

But you’re not happy with it. Yeah. You’re not happy with it. Yeah. So we have to find what is it that there is something that I was going to say makes you feel unhappy, but there is something you feel unhappy with that you would like to change and maybe you haven’t given up that you cannot change it.

Yeah, part of you is still trying to somehow find a way that you can change it. You know and sometimes you have to give that up and say I will not be able to change this. I need the other person, the other person is not coming so I cannot change that in the relationship. I can change it in myself, hi. I can change it in myself but not in relationship to the other person.

And when I change it in myself my relationship with the other person will change because I change. And then maybe that other person might even start reacting differently without us having worked out anything. What? So you can do the dialogue inside. You can do the dialogue inside.

Inside you. We’ll see if we if we get to that. I first wanna go a little bit into kindness in that we have a feel of what we’re going to talk about today and then maybe it comes back somehow. Alright? And then let’s see how much you can do with that.

So if we know that certain actions that we are doing help us to feel more happy and that certain actions that we’re doing make us more miserable. If I know when I do this and this and this I’m going to be miserable and if I keep on doing the action I cannot keep on blaming other people for that, can I? I somehow have to realize oh no but actually I’m constantly engaging in this action. So if I feel unhappy because of that that’s my own mistake. There’s no one else to blame but me.

Right? If you see that your actions make you miserable and not the other person but your reaction towards that. And you first have to see that before you are ready to change that. Because we all have this innate feeling I want to blame. Something happens to me, I feel unhappy, there is somebody to blame and we look for that person.

But then when we start thinking about my actions can make me happy or less happy and when I do these actions I feel unhappy, I do these actions I feel happy. Then we can leave the other person out of the picture and say, Okay, what kind of actions are going to help me to feel more happy? True? Do I have to go slower? No?

So we’re going to talk about kindness today. Kindness is the first guideline in relationship to acting. Other guidelines are honesty, generosity and right speech. Kindness, if we say that kindness also counteracts a delusion, a disturbing emotion, what kind of disturbing emotion would that be? Hostility?

Mhmm. Anger? Hatred? Yeah. So when we so then we can say what is kindness?

What is kindness? I’m gonna write it down. Oops. Action. Loving action.

Kindness. So there is love involved. How does it feel? Good? Selfless.

And you can also say how how what what you know you don’t have to say this is kindness but you know what what what kind of attribute does kindness have? Uh-huh. For the other person’s feelings? Yeah, can choose to be kind. We have that choice.

If we like to be kind to somebody what do we do? How does it feel? Right. Right. It feels right.

Liberating. Liberating. Feels right. So that means if we’re not kind we feel wrong, we feel that something’s wrong. So if we have here the hostility or the anger, maybe you can think about qualities of hostility and anger and then you can come to the qualities of kindness.

Thoughtful. This one. So that means that we think about the other person. Maybe what would they like, what do they need. As this is very self obsessed, doesn’t take in consideration what the other person needs or wants or would like.

So this I don’t know self centered. On an agenda. On an agenda. So then what do you have when there is kindness? What happens to that agenda?

Is there no agenda or? Unconditional. Unconditional? Giving of oneself. Unconditional giving.

Giving of oneself to please another. Giving. You say to please another. So when we are angry what do we want to do with the other? Hurt.

To punish. Punish. We punish because we want them to hurt, to feel pain. So normally what we say with anger is the intention to harm. So we want somebody to suffer.

If somebody really hurts us we want that person to suffer. We somehow want that person to feel what how they made us feel. True? So wanting somebody else to suffer, if we want to counteract that then we’re going to think about what can I do to make that other person happy? How can I please that other person?

So if you think, am I kind or not? If you have pleasing the other person in your mind you are kind. You’re practicing kindness. Is it necessarily that we when we please others that we are deep inside kind or that we are unconditional, that can be a mixture for your own benefit. People can be kind to get ahead in life to the right person but not others.

They might be after a promotion so they’ll get the boss a cup of coffee and I’ll just sort of pick this up for you here. So that’s selective kindness. So when we are kind in a selective way we have our own agenda. Right. And that’s not necessarily how to say we have our own agenda.

We’re still self centered. It’s not necessarily then anger, you know, but anything that is self centred we have that own agenda. Do we know that when we have our own agenda working and we are kind from that perspective? Gets to intent. Sorry?

Gets to your intent. Yeah. But you can recognise it in yourself? Like, oh, now I’m actually just doing that to get a favour. No?

Not always. You don’t? Not always. Sometimes you do? Yeah.

Whether you’re trying to create harmony so that you feel. Yeah. And even that, you know, it’s when you’re very far on the path you want others to be happy and because of that you are kind because you want others to be happy. And you know that when others are happy you are happy. But that’s different than I want others to be happy so that I’m happy isn’t it?

There is a slight difference in that. One is really there for the other person and then whatever happiness comes it’s likely gratification. But what you talk about is the selfish part or that cannot deal with the stress of the disharmony and then says oh if everybody is just quiet and calm. So pleasing people can be a surviving mechanism. How many people have that?

Caring professions, you know, where you care has a lot to do with that. Because it makes you feel good, you know, when you can do things. Not always but And I think, you know, when you’re very little you want to please your mom and dad, you know, because as long as you’re a good boy and a good girl mom and dad are going to be good to you and you know if they would not be good to you you do not know how to survive on your own. You know, so I think this is this can be to really purify that kindness, to make it pure kindness without own agenda, you know, think that’s the trick. So then the next question is: Is it possible to train ourselves in being kind?

How do we do that? Practising. How? Just by doing things or just always thinking about what would make the other person happy and acting on it instead of just thinking. Uh-huh.

So when you’re angry how do you do that? Sorry? What did you say? Badly. You can’t just do everything to make, keep someone happy though.

Sorry? You can’t just keep doing things to keep the other person Why not? Happy. Why not? So then, well, you’ll become either a doormat or you’re just pandering to the other person’s you you’ll be a puppet.

So that is to please somebody out of surviving. That’s not real kindness. I would say that’s not real kindness. That is pleasing somebody but your motivation is coming from the wrong place. And sometimes pleasing, pleasing if you please just for the next five minutes that might not be wise in all situations.

Know if your child starts screaming I want to have this! And you please the child that might not be wise. You may be better whack. That’s for you. Is for you.

Oh I shouldn’t say that very kindly and say excuse me. But that’s your own agenda because if you give in to the lollipop at the shopping thing because the kid’s screaming, all you really want is for the child to shut up. Not thinking about the fact that the child’s gonna not eat dinner, become hyperactive, whingy, because after the lollipop’s gone, the gratification’s gone, they’re gonna start whinging. You just want them to be quiet. That’s your own agenda, isn’t it?

Yes. You’re not actually doing something to be kind. No, so what if it happens at home? I don’t give in. You don’t give up?

No, you don’t give in. But if you would give in that is not necessarily kind. Michael was struggling like well if I have to please all the time I’m going to be a doormat, I’m going to be But that’s not what we mean with kind. Kindness can be very tough and very honest and very straight and put somebody, I would say empower somebody. If somebody is very deluded and wants you to feed their delusions it might not be the right thing to do to keep on doing that.

And sometimes it’s better to say no sorry I can’t do that. But there might be something else that they need. Like in that instance if my child’s grizzly then I’ll say no you can’t have another biscuit, why don’t you come and sit on Mummy’s lap and give me a cuddle? Because they’re just tired and windy and they’re just looking for gratification in some way. I want a biscuit, want a biscuit, just give me a biscuit.

But if you actually give something else instead and say no to the biscuit because you know that they shouldn’t have another one, then often that will, you know, there might be a bit whingy on your lap still with that fuss settled and you might get around it. You say then maybe you give what they actually need. But by thinking about it rather than just trying to shut them up. Yes. What they actually need or what they really need.

Sometimes think kindness is tough love. Yeah, yeah. You have to be very careful though by, you know. There’s cruel Yes, yes. And sometimes they need they want to Yeah.

Yeah. And sometimes we just can’t stand it and we think, you know, I’m I’m I’m gonna be a little bit ruffle to make this happen but that can also come from your own self centred mind. Then you say I’m doing that for you. I was going say some freedom comes from a place of fear too. Yeah.

That’s the surviving. That we please, that we want to be a good girl and a good boy. And the codependency. Yeah, that’s also related to surviving or not? And that’s also, that’s very disempowering, isn’t it, the codependency?

That’s like that’s coming from an illusion, that’s coming that’s like a huge attachment that it is almost like a belief I cannot take care of myself so somebody else has to do that. And by doing that we do not acknowledge that we have the potential to do take care of ourselves. And you see when normally in a relationship two people have their balance and if one person starts to feel like actually I don’t like this, I want to make a change or maybe you go in therapy and you learn about that and you start, it’s very difficult to break away from that and to make the change if the other person doesn’t want to change with you. So kindness is I want to be happy. Kindness when we are kind, when somebody has been kind to us that gives us like a warm feeling, isn’t it?

We feel that the heart is soft and open and warm. Somebody once said: I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will not forget how you made them feel. So that feel that you’re left behind that is where people realize or recognize if you’re kind or not. So if you want to be cruel with kindness then somehow you have to let the person feel that you are coming from kindness. That person has to receive the message like that.

So that’s a huge skill to do that. And because as soon as we start talking a little bit more ruffle then it’s very easy for others to understand us in a wrong way if we are really kind. Say that again, gentlemen, sorry? If we kindness, if people want to remember that you are a kind person or that you did an act of kindness they will think about how they felt about it. They won’t think about what you said.

You know normally when somebody says something to us and we take it to oh you know what this person said and you take it to that level there is many times pride involved that said I’m so special because this person this person acknowledged that. Mhmm. Mhmm. It is also not what somebody did because I can we cannot also take to our pride but if somebody is genuinely kind to us we feel that in our heart. If somebody speaks nice words and we don’t feel it in our heart we think where is he coming from?

Yeah, But if you meet somebody and then you can talk a lot and if there’s just a feeling of kindness, what take with you is the feeling. And you say that was a really nice conversation, I have no idea what we talked about but I know there was a lot of sharing and a lot of love between us. You know, that that is that is what you what you really remember. Yeah. Yeah.

So is there anybody here who has never experienced kindness from another person? It starts very early in our life, isn’t it? If we look at how mothers take care of their children and children might not always be able to perceive it like that. But if you see where mothers are coming from, mothers sincerely want their children to be free of suffering. And maybe they’re not always skillful and maybe they’re not always, maybe they even add to the suffering but they try very hard that the child is free of suffering and that the child is happy.

So from the moment that we are born is that true? Also those who didn’t have a kind mom can see that or have issues. You know? There is a striving for mom to do that. And if you yourself are a mother you know that when your child is sick you would like to take that sickness and experience that instead of the child.

That is huge kindness, right? Mothers have that for their children. So since the beginning of our life we experience experience kindness, we learn about kindness, our mom passes that on to us, our mom is planting the seed in us, this is what kindness is. And depending on the causes and conditions in our life that kindness can grow, you know. You have moms, they nourish that in you and that you become a kind person, sincerely authentic kind.

There are also moms that have maybe different effect and you create maybe more anger and the kindness goes under a little bit. But the seed seed for kindness is there. So when the conditions change and you leave house and you maybe meet with somebody that is really kind to you then maybe you can start opening up and start to nourish the seeds of kindness. But we all have that capacity, don’t we? Do we know that?

Who has not the capacity to be kind? You’re not convincing. You have the capacity? Definitely. Yeah.

You are looking like, oh, I’m not sure. I what I’m gonna say. Sorry. That’s okay. Sometimes been overpower.

Sorry? Sometimes That she overpowers you. From their perspective, but that means that mom doesn’t make really good contact with who you are. And from their side, they mean that fully. But that might give you too much or what you really need that right?

Why is that? I’m not sure about that. The inability to let their child live their own life, like maybe they want to say, ‘Look, I want you to live here, want you to marry this person, I want you to work here, I want you to do this.’ Like parents that have put in their child like, you have to be a doctor, you have to do this, you have to do that. That’s their own agenda really, isn’t it? But I don’t think that how did you say that?

Ethics? What kind of communities? But I think every culture can have that. I don’t think that has I don’t know. I’m not sure if that would have anything to do with them.

If you look for instance in Tibet where the parents are so unbelievable caring and kind and nourishing and if we would do that we think we’re spoiling our child and our child becomes maybe the tyrant in the home. But if you see how they do it, the children become actually very balanced and very kind themselves and they have no somehow the delusions are never triggered, the delusions are not cultivated, you know. So what these mothers do is they make sure that the delusions cannot come up. They give them everything so that the delusions don’t come up. That’s very kind, right?

What happens when they get out into the world and their needs aren’t met? Well then they have a basis in themselves where they feel happy. If your delusions never come up, you are just happy. You are just happy. If we did that in our culture it would be okay within the circle of the home but then when the child went to work and we had to deal with not having everything met, we’re not really teaching them how to cope with somebody saying no to them or going without something.

Yeah. But you just say no to the biscuit but then you give them a cuddle. But their boss isn’t going to do that. No. You can’t have that person come and have a cuddle.

But if you are raised like that No. But If you are raised like that and you have your delusions have always been very very low, know, not developed. That means that your feeling of ego is not so strong. Yeah. You know, you’re just very relaxed.

So then when something doesn’t happen you don’t even know how to start screaming because to really get screaming your attachment must be quite high before you can even make it worse. I don’t know, I think some kids are born with that. Yeah, true. I think some kids are born with a I mean, just can see the differences in my two kids. One’s relaxed when you say no and the other one flies into a tantrum that can last an hour.

I I don’t give in and I try and offer love but it’s still like definite ego battle because he wants his own way. Yes, and children are born with their own ego. And some have a very strong ego already by birth and some don’t. Know, some when they are born you can say oh this is a very loving kind child and this is a they already turn on from birth. Robina said I was born angry.

I came out of the womb angry. She says ask my mom I was angry from the day I was born. Sorry? Robina. Yeah.

Was a very very angry person, know. She was angry to anything. I could say yeah, I could say she would have been a child like that. But what I said is that when your delusions are always kept low that means that when from birth you also didn’t have them. You learn to know yourself in a very different way as that we learn to know ourselves.

Or that you learn to yourself when you have lots of delusions. We normally learn to know ourselves by the things that we do not get. You know as a little baby you lay in your bed and you’re hungry or you’re wet and you feel unpleasant you start screaming. I don’t know in my time mother believed that you should just let the child scream you know. So when you have the child keep on screaming what happens to the ego?

What happens to you know there’s complete panic there is fear there is like oh my god how are we gonna survive if mom doesn’t come? Right so there is you build it up from the beginning but if you so that means that I learned to know myself from these extreme emotions which almost means that in the rest of my life I have to keep on generating these emotions in order to be me Because as soon as the emotions are not there I’m not sure if I’m still alive. No, can be born without. Right. Yeah, yeah.

Not something that we’re all born innately good and they miss out on things that No, Buddhism doesn’t believe Buddhism doesn’t believe that. And you can see that just practically, know. There are children who are from the beginning, you know they react with a lot of anger. So there is training to be had there? Yeah, yeah.

But what you do is you receive the kindness which means that because you have received the kindness everybody has at least a seed of kindness in their mind which means that you have the potential to develop it. And if you are more used to anger it might be more difficult to generate that kindness. And if you’re already used to being kind and you do not have much anger it might be more easy for you to do. Is it possible to be kind in every situation? Uh-huh.

So why doesn’t it happen? I’m not sure if I agree with that. Depends on how you’re going to define human. Do you know what, I was going to say Jesus because can’t everybody be who it wasn’t? Why not?

They got angry a couple of times. Yeah? Was that angry or was that rough? Was that anger or was that coming from deep compassion of I’m not an expert on the Bible, but I know that he went round a marketplace at one stage and threw table And the money lenders, he threw the money lenders out of the temple. Yeah.

Because they were they’d gone into the temple and turned into a bank. Uh-huh. But he lost his cool. Yeah. But sometimes that’s what you have to do in order to make changes.

So normally you have to look at the result of the action in order to see what kind of action that was. And people can appear to do something very very rude but then if you see the effect on everybody then it’s like everybody is suddenly in line. Then you almost have to say there must have been an incredible wisdom behind that. And that wisdom, if you have that wisdom there is a kindness in that too because you want everybody to be in line again so that everybody is happy. But you have to do that very skillfully.

It’s about stepping up sometimes. Yeah. It’s not easy to do that, you know. But I don’t know when I heard about that act of Jesus I admired that very much, you know, that he had the courage to do that and go right against the whole stream to choose choose for the purity. I don’t know.

So I haven’t thought is that anger or not? Well he certainly was that rage wasn’t he? Yeah, did he do that to harm these people or did he want them to stop these actions? Oh yeah, stop the action. What?

You can’t think that Jesus would want to harm the people? No, no, not all his disciples because they were desecrating the temper. Yeah. So when a mother is angry at the child because the child has done something that she doesn’t like and she’s angry on the act but not on the child, the child can feel that there is still support for the person but not for the action. Right?

That is kindness isn’t it? Then you can be angry and at the same time let somebody know that you love them. Is happiness possible without kindness? So kindness means that we wish others including ourselves to be happy. Happiness and kindness are very very strongly linked.

So can we be happy if no one is kind to us? Can we still be happy? And if we respond in a skillful way and we are still happy then I think there is one person kind to us and that is ourselves. But that’s very challenging, isn’t it? If everybody will be unkind to us, to stay kind and happy, very, very difficult for us.

We like others to be kind to us, don’t we? Our day is good when people are kind. Did you have an act of kindness today? Did you, was somebody kind to you? Can you remember that?

Everybody has a memory? So can you remember when you were kind to somebody today? Generally kind? Yep. Great.

And you can remember how that felt? Uh-huh. So what prevents you from generating more of these moments? So if you’re not mindful where are you? Self obsessed.

Self obsessed? If we’re self obsessed what are we thinking about? Are we in the present moment? Are we present or are we just thinking about whatever is important for us in our life? We’re thinking.

Thinking about what’s not right. Yeah, that’s also an option that you think about this thing and focus on the negative aspects. Just being pretty active. We do that Driving home in traffic is an example. Know, thinking about getting home and people don’t want to let that car in or that car because they want to get home that two minutes quicker.

I hear that complaint so many times in Adelaide. Really? It’s like that’s what I heard, that was in the first week I was here, Ah! People don’t let anybody in here! I thought why don’t they do do that?

So how many times do you let somebody So somebody in? How many times do you let, often? Always. Always. Sorry?

Yeah. I don’t know. Who has that experience? One in ten. You don’t have the experience.

He has only one in ten lets him in. Oh, it’s one in eight. It doesn’t really matter. You know? You feel that you have to wait a long time.

Sorry? In in New South Wales, I I think they’re good drivers there. They’re very patient. They’ve got more traffic. You have to take care of each other.

Yeah. That must be true. The more people, the more rushed, the more you want to get home, the more frustrated you are. Because I’ve found when I’ve lived in busier cities, people are less likely to let you in. Mhmm.

You know, think that’s less And Holland, they train people, you know? Because you have these places where you have three three lanes and then it goes to two lanes. Oh, yeah. So there’s this whole train that you know one car and then the other car and then the other car and then the other car. But it’s like there is a whole commercial over months that is shown to teach the people how to do it.

And then people they have you know measure that if you do it like that you actually go most quick you know so there was this whole learning process like if you want to be home quick this is how you have to take care of the other person You know, which in itself is quite a good I often watch cars and I always stop to let someone in ahead of me and sometimes I get beeped because I let the whole four people on the side of the street go people get really annoyed at me. Then I watch those cars and they get up the street and they let other people in. And I know that they’re more likely to do that and also the other thing I do when I let them in is I make eye contact and smile at them so that they think oh she’s let me in and then they go off all happy. And then they’re more likely. Yeah, just where it’s gone from that, again it goes back to how it feels.

Somebody’s let you in and I distinctly am aware of it, somebody lets you in and it makes you feel nice. And suddenly you’re automatically in a nice mood and you think ‘I think I’ll let someone in. There’s a person behind you who’s probably thinking, Hang on, come on! But it’s true, yeah, it’s how you feel and you automatically, you want to pass that feeling onto someone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what would you do with that? What they’re sharing here and now you have to wait and nobody lets you in? I channel surf through the radio station till I find something interesting, talk radio or meditate as best I can. I haven’t got a problem with this traffic thing. I’ve got my car how I like it.

It’s not an expensive car, so that when I’m travelling, I want to be somewhere, I enjoy the journey. And there’s worse things that happen than being stuck in traffic. Yeah, yeah, but I’m going to challenge you if you don’t mind. Good. Good?

So what Well, I hope so. Well, what I hear you saying is that when they do not let me in I turn off. I turn myself off and I go and meditate or Sorry? Not so much just when somebody doesn’t let me in but when No but I want to talk about that example because there is an example that by you being in a certain way you might actually be influence of people going to let you in or not. So when I want to get in somewhere and I’m impatient or not really present in the moment I know that people are not going to see me somehow.

They don’t even see me or they do not want to let me in. But when I feel good and relaxed and I just, you know, I have us coming I’ll check, know. Do you want to let me in or not? Do you want to let me in or not? And every time they do not, you know, soon as you have contact it’s very difficult for them to keep on And maybe even send them laugh, you know, and send them good feelings and you know, it doesn’t matter.

Sometimes I do that. Can be invoking. Be invoking. Evoking? Yeah, that people think, you know, oh he’s aggressive.

No, I’m actually the opposite. But you’re saying peace. Why do you say that? Because if somebody lets me in and even maybe they’re running late, but they’re because they’re Or when they let you in, do that? Not all the time.

Wish I had the guts to do it all the time. I would like to think of five years every it’s spreading around and people have just got this vibe out in traffic that’s let’s harmony and peace. Because on the roads, that’s when you see people’s nature. You see all sorts of stuff happen. Mhmm.

Because you don’t always mix with these people, but when you’re on the road, you’re you’re there with them. Mhmm. And all sorts of scary things happen. You wouldn’t choose to be around these people, so I guess I just do that. Maybe you can.

Sorry? Maybe you can. Choose to be around these people. Choose to be around these people with your kindness and make a difference. Yeah.

But I don’t know who wants to be around the guy. Guy I don’t want to stereotype anybody, but the guy that roars past you and frightens the heck out of you. And, you know, when you’re driving home at one in the morning and you think, gosh, they’re gonna have a crash, or are they are they drinking? Drinking? I don’t know if I want to choose to spend time with these people.

But all these people who are there So what I hear you saying is you withdraw again. Oh, I do not want to connect with these kind of people. You it’s like you hold your energy back. Which means that it is more difficult for others to show that kindness. It’s like if we want others to be kind to us it’s easiest if we are really kind.

Isn’t it? Because if somebody is kind to us we want to be kind back. It’s very difficult to be rude to somebody who is kind to us. But if I hold back and I think: Oh no, I’m not going to share anything with them then the other person is like: Well then I’m not going to share anything with you. I agree because recently as I’ve been sort of growing mentally, that will happen now and maybe the person in the car with me might be a bit amazed, or how am I actually annoyed that Martin’s not?

Because I just think it’s irrelevant. It’s okay. And I do see some aggressive driving and some things that I think are a bit inappropriate, people cutting you off. I think, Okay, he’s being a bit of a bully and Or maybe in a hurry? I mean, is it silly to think, Oh, you know, in five minutes time somebody’s going to let me in because the camera’s going to come back to me because I can get aggressive about that aggressive person.

Is there a difference between aggressive? Not sure. The karma doesn’t come back that quickly. You know when somebody’s doing the wrong thing and they’re pulling it in front of them and immediately you’re not supposed to, I think that’s a bit hard for me. But I might think that, but I choose not to feel that.

It’s difficult to say what I’m trying to say. I make a choice now. Oh, that was hostile. That’s okay. What do you do?

Know? He hasn’t quite punched me or it’s a big deal. But was it hostile or was that person in a hurry to get to the hospital because someone just said to them your child’s just been taken to hospital and they’ve got a head injury. You just never know. You might take it as oh that was a bit hostile but I often think that and that’s what got me up because I do really bad with worry rage and I used get so angry at the injustice of it.

Like you just pulled out in front of me, you just cut me off, you could have killed me because I work in an environment where I think they’re killed from car accidents. So that got me really angry. But then I started thinking, what if that person has a sick child in the car? What if that person’s on their way to hospital because their father’s dying? And even if it’s not true, it makes you realise that perhaps their intent wasn’t to be rude to you, they were just not thinking.

And it helps me relax and be kind to them. And when you’re going somewhere new and you’re looking somewhere up in your street and you’re driving a ten kilometre in there, and you’ve got to think there’s probably a lot of that going on. Why is this person doing forty kilometres an hour? Because they’re probably doing what I have to do. I would think, oh, they help me because there’s probably camera, a speed camera.

Without that person, I wouldn’t have the risk to don’t know what and even it can be very good karma that had happened to you. As soon as we get agitated we think it’s something negative that we have to remove. But maybe it’s a protection for something. Maybe it makes you come somewhere five minutes late and if you had been five minutes earlier you would have been engaged in whatever kind of an accident or We do not know. We have to trust.

So maybe it’s our interpretation that brings us It is. Especially on the road. There is nothing personally, isn’t it? It’s all very self obsessed and you’re not doing something personally to someone else. Oh dear, somebody in a white car, I’m not gonna you know, we don’t think like that.

We only think about ourselves. It’s not a like a reaction to it, isn’t it? That determines, you know, we make the whole story all by ourselves. We can start a new move. Can start a new move.

I really appreciate when people do that when you’re doing it. It’s the analogy that you’re doing. And maybe we can invite people to show them how they do it differently. Maybe people now they think you can’t do that. But maybe when I see other people doing that they think oh wow, could just show my kindness or gratefulness or appreciation.

When others are kind to us are we more happy? So when we are kind to others they will be more happy? So then we can make a difference. There is where we can make the difference. Mother Teresa, you know this book, The sixteen Guidelines for a Happy Life, has a role model with every guideline.

And the role model for kindness is Mother Teresa. And Mother Teresa, she said about kindness, she said: I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, then there is no hurt but only more love. True? That’s good, So normally we back off, isn’t it? When it starts hurting we think, Oh no, that’s too difficult.

Or when we feel hurt to keep on giving kindness it’s very, very difficult. What she says, If you keep on doing that then there is only going to be love left. The hurt will go. If we can do that genuinely. Oh, maybe there’s your answer.

Okay. That’s the knot in the stomach. Okay. We’re gonna do something about that knot. Not yet.

Coming. I wanna thank you I wanna I would like you to think about a few things, you know. So so if you close your eyes, and I’m gonna give you just a few I can’t call it exercises, but and if you want you can write things down or you can just try to remember. So if you think how can kindness make a practical difference to your life over the next week, month or year? And try to imagine that time span and think how if you could be more kind, what would change in your life?

And then think how can you use kindness to improve the quality of your relationships with others. And then the last question I put forward to you, how can you stay focused and motivated to practice kindness again and again? And then if you feel that you want to make a note of something, you can do that. Just to remember. Can we stay focused and motivated?

How do we do that? Self discipline. Mhmm. Self discipline discipline and kindness. What is it?

Just enjoying being in the present. But sometimes it’s hard to be kind, isn’t it? We’re challenged in being kind. What is challenging? What kind of situations are difficult?

If people are rude to us? Uh-huh. We as soon as we start becoming defensive. Then we lose our kindness. Yeah.

So being defensive has that to do with anger? Or maybe it’s not it doesn’t have to be completely anger, but it’s like the stage before the anger comes. And as soon as that comes in the mind, it’s very difficult. Anger is blocking the hurt. Yeah.

We are defensive because we don’t want to feel the hurt. So how could we stay kind in that situation? What would we have to do? You almost said it. So you become defensive and that is the opposite of being kind.

And you are defensive because you want to prevent yourself from feeling the hurt. Feel the So when we feel the hurt, we can stay more kind. So that means When we feel the hurt, we can stay more kind. So rather than deny the hurt? Or push it away with your defensiveness.

And get angry feeling, but you walk through. Yeah. So our normal reaction to any hurt is like I don’t like this. I wanna I I I don’t want this. There is an aversion.

So defensiveness is the aversion for hurt. And defensiveness, although it might not be complete anger that you want to harm the other person, you do disconnect from the other person. When you’re disconnected you know your heart is not open anymore. Kindness is that you are with the other person and you want another person to be happy. As soon as you become self defensive you do not really care about the happiness of the other person you care about I do not want to feel the suffering.

So how can we keep our heart open in a situation where we are hurt by allowing the hurt to be there and not to react to that. Acceptance. Person make them feel hurt, comfortable? Is that something we’re noticing The wish for the other to suffer. So patience could help with that as well, wouldn’t it?

Yeah. Sorry, what did you say? Patience So that’s the side way to Buddhism. We’re doing in Buddhism is you try to practice the antidote. So when I see anger arising in my mind anger is like an agitation that starts as an agitation.

Something is happening that I don’t like. I get upset. I want that to stop somehow then I become self defensive and then eventually I can become angry. Are two ways to counteract that. If you know that anger is the wish of other people to suffer like the desire to punish kindness is the wish of others to be happy.

If somebody hurts me I cannot and be angry at that person and be kind at the same time. Not possible. But do you think there are circumstances where the other person would never be entitled to anybody to be kind to them? They deserve nothing. That’s probably not very nice but I have somebody in my life that I that I wish that they were dead.

I would like someone to kill them. So how do you feel about having that wish? Yeah, it’s very unsettling. I know if we don’t know me, this is a very extreme situation. I think you have a very loving heart, but somewhere you are very hurt.

And so what I’ve just done is disconnect from everybody that person knows etc, etc. Which has meant a lot of change, you know, for my whole family. But we would never want any kindness given to this person. So but we’re just disconnected but then yet still having this hurt and anger that we live with. Yes.

So now it’s a tool, so what are you going to do with that? So you practice well first of all if this is in your mind this cannot be there. True? For one and the same person. If I feel love and kindness for somebody, if I want someone to be happy I cannot at the same time want that person to suffer.

Not possible. It’s not easy to have kindness in your mind when somebody has decided that you’re the problem they can hold a grudge. Yeah, so we’re gonna that’s the biggest challenge isn’t it? If somebody doesn’t like us and or blames us or pushes us out of their life or has hurt us or that’s the challenge. So we’re going to talk about that.

Having kindness for those that we love is not too difficult. Having love and kindness towards strangers we can practice that in traffic Also not too difficult because we’re not challenged but as soon as we get personally involved and get starting feeling hurt then it’s going be very challenging. So maybe let’s talk about that because there the transformation can happen, right? So these two cannot survive together. So that’s one way of counteracting your anger.

The other way is what you said patience. Patience is the mind that doesn’t get disturbed at all no matter what happens. But that is what we normally learn on the cushion. Patience. You don’t learn that when anger comes up oh no I have to practice patience’ That’s very difficult.

Yeah, you practice patience afterwards. You reflect on it and you think oh that was not worth react like that or if I could see that person like this and this and this then the anger wouldn’t arise or you know so afterwards you get tools That you could use the next time when it happens What skin is it that you use to stop reacting to someone that’s hurting you? That’s just kindness. It’s not being patient. Well patience too but If somebody’s now not kind to you and you get very upset your patience is already out of the window.

But then if you use that situation to train your mind and becoming more patient and the next time it happens you have some patience that makes that you have a little bit of a gap between what happens and your reaction. That’s patience. And then you might still react and then you go back to your cushion and you think over it. So that is how you train patience. So situations occur and they show you how strong your patience is.

But that’s not your practice moment. As soon as anger arise it’s this that is going to help you. Yeah? I like your term ‘practice moment’. Practice, what did I say?

You said that’s your practice moment. Alright, yeah. It’s like where can you do it? Where can you make the shift in your mind? So I want to go back to you.

So now there’s somebody especially, well it actually doesn’t matter if they’re close to you or not but I think if somebody hurts you who is very close to you the hurt is even deeper and then when it is a stranger doing the same act to you. Right? So but in it is only important because it’s deeper. Right? All the rest it really doesn’t if it’s somebody that you know or don’t know whatever.

Then I think to be skillful you need to do two things one is on the outer level in the external world how you make sure that you are safe Right? Because you don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you get hurt again and again and again. So that is the first thing that you try to do. But then the second job that we have is how keep I, how can I keep my internal peace? And that is only you who is gonna suffer from that if you can’t or is gonna have profit from that.

True? So what I hear you saying is that you have done all the outer work So you said that’s safe now I’m not connecting with this person but you still sit with a lot of this So if you somehow could find a way that you can feel that you want that person to be happy, if you see that your pain is coming from wanting the person to suffer and then if you can see that and then you say okay so how can I change my pain into less pain by wanting that person to be happy? That’s a great theory but how do you get there? How do you get there? For instance what you can say is that reason why so Buddhism has many things that you can do and there is a book in the shop in the library that’s called Healing Anger from the Dalai Lama that gives you many many many ways of thinking that you can develop loving kindness towards towards others who have hurt you, right?

Because you have to make a shift, you have to get out of your normal thinking. The normal thinking is that person has hurt me, I want to punish that person. That’s animal behavior, And if it’s so close and it’s so deep you can’t even go beyond that, you can’t even move yourself away from that strong reaction. So ways of thinking could be one way that we do it is that we say the reason why you feel hurt is because of what that person did. If that person would change today their complete behaviour and start treating you in the opposite way what would happen with your anger?

It’s actually not me in this situation, the person’s hurt. So it’s me being upset about the being So you see that person suddenly being very kind to the person who was hurt. Sincerely kind. That would probably make things a lot better. Yes.

So then you soften. Yes. So you can think the only reason why I feel that anger is that a person acted in a certain way. If that person would act in a different way I would actually be able to feel that. Just thinking about that loosens already your anger.

What could a person do which was be really kind? Can you think of something? That that person could do. Yeah. Probably acknowledge the hurt that they’ve caused.

Can you imagine in your mind that a person does that? I could, no I couldn’t. I’ve got a similar situation. This person just want But can you use your fantasy. Just your fantasy.

Can you imagine that that person acknowledges your hurt? Create the fantasy. How would your life change change if that would happen? The person’s a psycho is have no consideration. They get off on hurting me and other people.

Sorry. So now tomorrow the person changes because he’s a psycho anyway so he can change easily. No joking, sorry. So what would happen to your life, to your situation? If this person Would turn around.

For instance tomorrow you get a heart attack and that person is going to how do say that? CPR, doing CPR with you. Yeah but now you’re almost dying. Now ‘re really, really very, very close and suddenly this person realizes, Oh my God! And I didn’t care less.

But the person didn’t see that. But what she’s saying is not sort of imagine that this person is actually doing it because you can’t believe that they could do but in your fantasy just think they are. They are forced to think how that makes you feel. Not that they’re ever going to do it. Put that aside.

Put that That’s been massive really. Yeah. You’re saying focus on that thing. Yeah. My life would go from a whatever out of ten to quite just because this person is just acknowledging their Yes.

But you can think about that person acknowledging that behavior. You can think that they’re doing that and then you can think how wonderful would that be if they could do that? Right? So having you with a possibility in your mind makes you more soft, takes away some of your anger. So in that sense, even though they may never but the thought that you think that one day they may.

Yeah. That can help. You call it fabulous? No I didn’t, I didn’t. What you actually do I think is that you if I think about you, you’re never ever going to make it and I really believe that very very strong you know everybody here can develop their potential I’m not I’m just joking everybody here can develop their potential except you.

Completely lost. Maybe I shouldn’t use it as an example. If I really look at you with that belief do you have any chance to develop anything positive here? Your mind? No.

Here right now in our situation. If you believe that or everybody believes that about me. I believe it very strong and I’m here the boss and I’m in charge like that. Yeah. So that’s what we’re doing.

If you You do do. You lie this person this person in your life is doing that all the time and you react to him I notice that, and I’m learning not to and I’m thinking It’s very difficult but what I’m saying is that if I think about you, you cannot change, you cannot change It’s very difficult for you to change in our relationship If I think about you I’m sure you can change because I know you have love and kindness somewhere. You had a mother. You had a mother who nurtured you. You must know deep inside somewhere and maybe things have happened in your life that made you become like this.

But it’s not your true nature. If I look at you like that, I soften. Then you have more chance. I know this person will come around, they just need time. I’m not allowed to talk to them.

It may go on for months or six months or a year. But I know that will come around. Know that they can But they can only come around when you make yourself really soft. I’m not allowed to have any contact with this person. Doesn’t matter.

Even though Just here and right now. In yourself, how you think about a person. If I, I don’t know, do you have that sometimes? You ring somebody and the person says, I was just thinking about you. You know?

We can say, I don’t know, it’s like when there was no telephone or television all this kind of disturbance that we have on the mental level people could just communicate with each other. If you go to the Eskimos, you call them Eskimos? Yeah. Communicate still like that with thoughts. Are you suggesting that maybe I’m sending out some sort of vibration?

You send out your hurt and your anger. You say: Do not come close. I’m not. I’m thinking I just want this person to be happy. I know one day they’ll come around and I’ve been instructed to just back off.

I’ve said, Is it alright if I say hello to this person, to your son? No, just give them space because they’ll probably just be angry towards you. And the only thing I can do for my own sanity is start thinking, well, I do want him to be happy. Of course I do. He’s just jealous and this, that and the other.

I want him to be happy and I know he will come around and that’s the only way And the person says now in order to be happy I need you to take distance. So if you really want the person to be happy you don’t feel hurt that you have to keep distance. So that softness that is coming you know you can make that bigger and bigger and bigger and see this person every moment in their life happy happy happy happy and the more you do that and I know it’s hard you know because you’re still in like but I actually want them to suffer and I want them to die and I want them to but if you somehow just want to say how just briefly how I do that with people that make me really angry and have you tell me whether that’s right or whether that’s looking down on people because I don’t know whether it is. When somebody does something really horrible to me and it’s continual, I just look at them as like a child and see that child as having had so many people do bad things to them that that’s the way their behaviour has been modified and now they just lash out and hurt.

And so through thinking of them as a child that was beaten or that was treated badly, I can actually visualise them as a child, even if it’s just their inner child. Then I have compassion for them and that compassion makes me be kind to them because I feel sorry for them and I think you must have had an awful life if you have to be that cruel when you enjoy it. And then I feel Yeah, so you can think about that’s a good point. If you if why does somebody hurt somebody? Where is that coming from?

They said, just not many people take that little other step. Why is that person the way the guy at work? Just take that little step and ask yourself why? Well, because he had a really bad upbringing and he was For instance. Parents.

So all of a sudden I go from him bugging me every day to feeling compassion towards him and thinking, well, let’s talk to him more, let’s crack jokes. And you go from that guy really annoying you to feeling for him. Because of that little step, just thinking a bit further, why is he like that? And even if it wasn’t for him being beaten. But if we look at ourselves, when do we want to hurt somebody?

To defend ourselves when we hurt. But what is in our mind? What kind of emotion? The punishment pay back. The anger is there, Then, but even if we do not want to punish that one person I’m just angry and I can’t even remember why but I can only react with anger and when I see you I get so furious.

I don’t even know why. I don’t even know that I’m furious. I just want to hurt you. Why do I want to hurt you? The hurt is an attempt that I do not feel my pain.

If I have pain I react with anger because I don’t want to feel it. Can you remember that we said that twenty minutes So when I’m in deep hurt, in order to protect myself from that hurt I react with anger. I react with wanting to hurt others. I might even think I’m just protecting myself. Right?

So if you can imagine that when you’re angry what you are doing to others and that might be not much so then if somebody hurt somebody so badly how must they feel in order to be able to do an act like that? Their suffering is so huge we can’t even believe. We can’t imagine that we would do an act like that. But because we can’t believe the torture that is actually going on in somebody’s mind. And the lack of kindness that was shown to them to make them.

Maybe but it can also you know, know being born like that So when you start thinking like that and then you think that person is reacting from their hurt the only reason why they hurt somebody else is because they can’t deal with their own hurt. So the fact so because they can’t deal with their own hurt they get completely overwhelmed by anger. That’s not really the person with an open heart. That’s a person completely possessed by anger, by their delusions. They’re not in control when that happens It’s like in Buddhism they have the analogy that if somebody beats you with a stick you don’t get angry with a stick, do you?

How did I say it? I never get that clearly completely. Yeah, but they mean that if some What you do is you want to get angry with the delusions with the anger but not with the person itself. So then you get angry with the stick? Yeah you would.

Yeah you’re surely angry with the stick and not with the person. I don’t know. We have to look that up again. That’s a confusing example. Yeah.

Yeah. You feel for the person. It’s like, yeah, I feel for you that I can get over it, but you can’t. I wish you could. I would like to see you happy.

But I’m not allowed that opportunity to help you do that. Can I just say hello and No, no, no? No, you say, So I want to make you happy. Right? So that’s because I want to make you happy you have to allow me to do that.

You see what you’re doing? You overstep boundaries there. That person is responsible for their unhappiness and you’re going to be there and when they say Can you please help me? You say Of course I’m here. So you’re prepared at any time to make the step but you wait till that person gives you the sign.

So it has nothing to do with you? I think. No because otherwise that wouldn’t happen so strongly. True? So sometimes you trigger something in somebody and they go from very very kind and maybe your best friend suddenly they turn completely against you and you think what was that?

I only said this and this. Where does that come from? But somebody can be touched very deeply in their hurt and what they think is you make me feel like this. They don’t think oh it’s actually my own hurt that got triggered and actually what a person said was not really that big that it justifies such a strong reaction. Learning to own that reaction as being your reaction and then having the power of seeing the possibility that you can change them no matter what that person is going to do with their life you can be miserable the rest of your life and that person will never notice that you are.

And even if they care they won’t notice that in the sense that if they’re living somewhere else and they don’t meet you and they don’t you can sit at home and you can be so angry with somebody but you’re the one who’s suffering from that. So the more you care about yourself and wish yourself to be happy you say just you know he’s out of your life that’s enough. Now you allow to be happy again. Yeah. I’m trying to relate what you’re saying back to this situation because I’m not really the one that was hurt, I’m just somebody on the side.

The observer, yeah. Yeah, and which yeah, so it sounds silly but. So that person hasn’t even hurt you? No! And still you’re so angry with that person.

Maybe this person who’s been so hurt you empathize with maybe she So you’re very attached to that person? Yeah. So your attachment sells you I want my friends to be happy and everybody who hurts my friends is also my enemy. Right? If we think about kindness which is unconditional we have kindness for the victim and the perpetrator.

And we can see that somebody can only be heard so deeply because they have something inside them that makes them feel like that. The hurt is not really coming from the other person. I once asked a lama about what if you are raped? And the lama said what’s the big deal? How long did it take?

Two minutes, three minutes, five minutes? So why do we have still pain twenty years after? Doesn’t happen now, it doesn’t happen right now, you know. But this is our mind as soon as something happens we go over and over and over again. So it’s almost like we experience it over and over and over again but if you look into reality, it’s gone.

Know, and Australia is like get over yourself. You know yourself, isn’t it too? Like if you, I mean I haven’t been in that situation but I imagine that victims start feeling dirty and then they start feeling, then they don’t want to have a relationship with someone because that’s impacted, that’s part of them. It’s all the other stuff that goes along with individuals afterwards that they put themselves through in their own head. It creates that feeling of hurt.

So the Tibetans, they can’t understand what are we doing. They think we’re crazy. The way we behave and the way we think they think we’re crazy. We keep on going over the Which means the moment you keep on doing that you’re not living in reality. You disconnect.

How do we live in the present then? Not in the future not in the past? As soon as you’re in the present what normally fuels our emotions is thoughts about it, you know. All the thoughts, oh, and he this and he the end, our judgments and we go over and over and over again. So this If we are in the present moment then there is nothing that generates these thoughts.

But why do we do it then? Mean why do so many Habits. I’m sure I’m not the only one that goes over and over. No we all do that. It’s a habit.

If it’s so destructive, it’s so Yeah. Yeah. I’ll tell you. So many of us do it. We all do it.

You’re not creating something new. But you’re just feeling something that’s not really truly yourself. So you need to identify as suffering and then move on. Alright, let’s see how we react. Because we do something wrong.

This is what we want. This is what we want. So how do we do this? Now how do I find my happiness? Bring your mind to the present moment.

Yeah, that’s after Buddhism. Before Buddhism. Don’t do that anymore, okay? Get drunk. I love that idea.

Get drunk. You think you’re gonna be happy by having a drink? Well, you had cocaine, you feel free. We want to be happy. So you’re going go into the drugs and the alcohol.

Yeah, cocaine. Cocaine. So what if you don’t get the drugs and the alcohol, what happens? You get angry? So what if you say, we want to be happy, so we try to get what we want.

If we think that if I get what I want, I’m happy. The contentment thing. With the contentment I let go of the wanting, isn’t it? But this is how we look for happiness. I do not feel so well.

What could make me more happy? I’ll put on the CD or I watch a movie or I ring a friend or Right? So if I get that I have a temporary relief of that unhappiness and then it works for a while and then I sink down again and then I think what do I do now? Know I gotta get an ice cream or Right? So we try to get what we want.

Know how to say that? We follow our desire, follow our attachment. We think that if we want to be happy Try to get what we want. We try to avoid that kind of girl. Wait a sec.

We try to get what we want. So how do we feel when we try to get what we want? How does it make us feel? You know, oh, I really feel bored and I wish I was happy. I’ll get some chocolate and eat some chocolate and then I, you know, get, I don’t know, whatever I get and then I think, I’ll go and do this and How do we feel?

At the end of the day we’re tired, isn’t it? We need to sleep to recover from all this desire and all this wanting. But then you can’t even sleep when you get your brain carried because if you haven’t got what you want it just goes on. Oh, if you haven’t got what you wanted but if you get what you want Okay, say get what you want. You get what you want.

You do get what you want. But what I’m challenging is You worry about losing it, don’t you? Yeah. And you’re worried about losing it, that’s one thing. But also are you really experiencing happiness?

Temporarily. Temporarily, but is that real happiness? Well it’s hard to know if you’ve got nothing to measure against sometimes, isn’t it? But is it a happiness that stays or is it a happiness that is only there for a certain amount of time? It gives it satisfaction?

Sometimes. Sometimes? How long? Shortly. Long.

You can know how long you get what you want. You get what you want for the rest of your life. For the rest of your life, but is that one thing that you need or is that many things? You can be the bottomless people. But then when you get that you want something else.

So what happens we let go of what we want and we are happy with what we get? How would I change your life in terms of happiness? With what is? Free from conflict. Yeah, so this is like a conflict thing isn’t it?

You have to you have to How do you say that? You chase your happiness and then when you have it and when you say it you’re scared to lose it. Or it is only temporary or it’s very difficult to find contentment if you think that you need something from the outside to be happy. So how do we prevent ourselves from suffering? What kind of mechanism do we have?

We talked about that today. If we feel hurt, how do we prevent ourselves from feeling that? By being self defensive? So we have aversion, right? So aversion comes in our mind and from that that might grow to anger, to hatred.

What do we do when there is aversion and angry? We make this wall and we say: Oh no, stop. You know, I’m not going to let the person in anymore. Right? And not only that I make a wall and say: I actually also want to harm you.

So as soon as I do not want to suffer and my tool is that I’m gonna hurt the other person and I think that when I hurt the other person my hurt will be gone. We believe that’s how we act. And if you think about it you say Oh no that’s not the case. But somehow our instinct tells us that. How long do you feel better?

How long do you feel better? And is that better feeling? Is that a relaxed better feeling? Or is that like, so now I did what I wanted and that person is going to suffer, yes, I feel good about that. But you’re not relaxed and open.

Can you see that that mind is a different mind from the open loving kindness mind? Although it might give us a temporary good feeling it’s a very different mind. So the tools for us how we look for happiness is by following our attachment. And how we want to be free of suffering is following our aversion. This causes suffering dissatisfaction.

This causes suffering. So in an attempt to be happy and free of suffering we create an ongoing stream of suffering for ourselves. That’s how all human beings, that is how all animals, all sentient beings respond, react not respond, react. We are trapped in this. human, our nature.

We call this our nature but this is not our real nature, you know. That’s why I reacted to you when you talked about human beings. All human beings do that. But I think human being, we are human doings. When we do this we are human doings.

We’re not human beings. We’re constantly doing. And the doing makes us really sick. The doing is a constant poison in our body, in our mind. And when we start going into the being in the present moment and we let go of all this, you know, then we become soft, become loving, we become compassionate, we become wise, then we become real human beings.

So human, that’s the nature of human beings to be like that. This is not our nature. If it was our nature I could be angry at anybody at the same time. But I can’t sustain that. Right?

I can’t sustain being angry all the time. One day you will have to let it go. But I can feel love and compassion for everybody all the time. So that means that the mind of love and compassion is more valid, more connected to our nature than the mind of anger. True?

So how do you feel now if you think about the whole thing? Yeah, I feel a bit better. I think it’s going to take a long time. Yeah, I get what you’re saying and yeah, I can understand. If you see that you’re only hurting one person by doing that.

Yeah, which is myself. Which is yourself. Yeah, I can do that. And you can still support your friend in learning to know about this because she can never change what happened in the past but she has to learn to first of all feel the pain, let go of her aversion for the pain and Sometimes if you can see how can this be of benefit to my life, what can I actually gain from this when I work through this? What is added to my life by having this, holding this pain?

And if you can see that there can be actually potential for something beautiful in there that might be helpful to learn to accept that. Does that help? Good. How are you? Not there yet?

It’s a lot to take in, isn’t it? And yeah. But you’re still in your in your knot? I’m a headache. Okay.

Dizzy. Yeah. It’s making me feel tense. Yeah. But I do see the wisdom in it.

Yeah. It’s a constant, yeah, to get the skills. You know, it’s like elusive. You know the right path is there. It’s soft but it seems to remain elusive.

You just can’t quite grasp all of it. Uh-huh. The path is already there as soon as you let go of that emotion, know, of that holding on. And I think that holding on is challenged when I talk about that. You know, so then you can start getting a headache.

Almost like what would happen when you let it go? What would happen to you? How would it change your life? I’m less burdened. So what benefit do you have in your life to hold onto it?

What benefit does it give you? What do you want to achieve with that? What do you feel that you could achieve with that that you cannot achieve without that? I think it comes to some personal internal strength, doesn’t it? What?

Just holding on to or the letting go? Sort of trusting trusting your own capacity to be able to do it perhaps. Uh-huh. So is there uncertainty in your own capacity underneath? Yeah, yeah.

That is a big thing. Sometimes I don’t trust myself. So then you feel like I need to hold that because when I let it go I do not have the capacity to deal with that. You only know that way of dealing with that. Is the fear of letting go?

If you can still deal with that. Can you see that? Okay. So trusting your own potential for that loving kindness and for wisdom and that even when you let it go you do not have to confront anything. You can let it go in a safe space.

And then when you feel that you cannot resolve it or that do not have the strength because of that letting go you can say to yourself I will pick it up again and build it up again when I’m gonna you know when I get confronted with this person. But when you’re on your own and when you’re safe you give yourself the chance to see what happens, what kind of qualities are underneath that if you would let it go on your own. I guess it’s a sense of you prefer resolution but if the other parties are not willing to But it is that when you meet with that other person that is all the time there and that is your tension. You know if you’re not given the opportunity to sort of Many people never get the opportunity, you know? I think about these Muslim women in Yugoslavia you know where all these men were killed.

I see it in the world, yeah, as well. So even if you do never get the opportunity, you know, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to walk without resentment the rest of your life. That’s your choice. Or do you going to make yourself are you going to heal yourself? Are you going to feel love for yourself?

Are you going to let it go so that you can go to your strength? Your strength is to love, you know? Your strength is not to hold on to grudge. And it can feel stronger to hold on to grudge, you know? It feels like safety.

But you’re influenced by that? So you can make yourself so strong that it doesn’t matter to your life if that person holds on to something or not. Do we struggle more sometimes because we focus so much on wanting to change the person? Yeah, I think so. And that is how we learn, isn’t it?

If we want to be happy we look externally for that happiness. If that person would just say this to me I would be so much more happy. If I would get this I would be so much more happy. But then we give our power for happiness away. You know, and if we say no matter what that person says I have the choice to be happy now or not.

And I mean it’s not easy, you know. It’s not easy because our mind is tricking us all the time and giving the wrong messages all the time. It’s deceiving us all the time. So it’s not easy, you know. But it can be done.

It’s like when you start thinking about it you see some like oh there is an opportunity that you can do it. And then you first go home and you relax and you sleep in it and then you’re going to see like alright if there’s an opportunity what can I do with that or what do I want to do with that? And then you give yourself time to investigate and to see how many steps you can make and how that feels and if you have strength or not and if you feel that you actually, you know, you come into a lot of insecurity. Normally you don’t actually. As soon as you go through it, through the hurt, the insecurity is gone.

There’s nothing like that there. There’s just pure strength, pure knowing. But I know that it looks like if I’m going to let this go I will be in insecurity. That’s the deception too. And you can only do that yourself, you know, by experiencing that.

And it’s I know it’s not easy, but I also know it can be done. Yeah. Good. So okay we can do an exercise with that. You want is that alright?

Mhmm. And maybe that’s the last thing that we’re doing tonight. So were you here in the first four classes? Which one did you do? I think I missed the first two.

Oh, yeah. And then you did the next two ones. So you did the delight and the contentment. Yeah. Yeah.

But you know a little bit what humility is and patience. You have a feel for that. So everybody has these four guidelines in mind. I’ll mention them when we do them. Okay.

So then then then go inside. And then reflect on how you have demonstrated kindness in a particular situation. Or shall we turn it around? I’ll turn it around. Think about a situation where you couldn’t show kindness.

You know like where it’s hard to have an open heart, to be kind, to be warm Think about what fears or doubts hold you back from developing kindness or showing kindness. And then choose qualities of thinking, which were humility, patience, contentment and delight. Choose one of these that could help you to become more kind. Which one is that? And how would you demonstrate your kindness with that quality of thinking?

How do these two qualities strengthen each other or balance each other? And then you can think, what if I swap these qualities around and I have my kindness as a support for one of the ways of thinking that you just chose. So if you have chosen patience then you can think, so what if I have in that situation patience and I let her be supported by love and kindness. Notice how the qualities change. And think how you can use it directly in your life.

And then relax your attention. I’m gonna give you one more tip then. So kindness means I want the other person to be happy. But kindness also means I want me to be happy. Me to be happy in the sense of well-being, in the sense of satisfaction, in the sense of contentment, not in the sense of wanting what I, you know, getting what I want.

So when you start practicing with people who are very difficult, you have to make sure that you feel for yourself that you really want to be free of suffering. You have to make sure that you feel that love for yourself. Know, and first restore that because many times we cannot love ourselves so deeply. It’s like part of us is sabotaging our happiness. Part of us feels somehow that maybe we deserve to suffer.

Part of us is holding on to suffering but I don’t know what we are doing with ourselves but that’s like a lack of love for ourselves. So if we can think about ourselves and try to I don’t know one way of doing that is that you visualize light coming into you you know refreshing you giving you everything you need comforting you making you soft inside healing you and you just keep and you think may I be happy, may I heal all my wounds, may I be free of suffering and you keep on doing that. And when you feel that you can give that completely to yourself then you visualize that person in front of you and then you try if you can extend that to that person. If it’s too difficult then maybe first you take a stranger and if that’s too difficult first you take somebody that you really love you know and extend the feeling I want you to be happy you extend it from yourself to the other person, then to the person that you do not know, then to the person that has hurt you. And the person that you struggle with most is last in line.

You can put them first if you’re brave and if you feel strong enough. But if you feel like oh no my mind gets too upset’ you put them last and you start with those that also have harmed you but not so deeply. And you just see if the exercise works and get some confidence in that. Okay. Thank you very much for coming.

And maybe we can dedicate all the dedicate all the merits that we generated today to the happiness and peace of all sentient beings. And thank you for doing the work. That was hard work, what you did. I appreciate that. Jamyang, do you have any more copies of the guidelines?

I do have a few, yeah. Haven’t got them. Oh, just just just the guidelines? Yeah. Oh, so you don’t have them?

Who who else doesn’t have them? You don’t have them? You alright? You don’t need them? Okay.

She has one. Yeah. She has one. Honey, could you bring that? Thank you.

You’re welcome. Alright. Next week, we’re