Audio recorded at Buddha House Adelaide. Transcript auto-generated and AI-corrected; may contain errors.
About this talk. In this 111-minute talk, Ven Jamyang explores gratitude as the third practice within the 16 guidelines for a happy life—a framework rooted in an ancient Tibetan king’s teachings for lay practitioners. He begins by diagnosing the root of suffering: a self-cherishing mind that appears to protect us but actually creates obstacles to happiness. Jamyang leads participants through a group exercise naming people and situations they’re grateful for, then discusses how to show gratitude through genuine listening, remembering kindness, and making others feel valued. He pays special attention to gratitude toward those who have hurt us—working through the pain to extract learning and develop compassion toward adversaries. The session concludes with a guided meditation practicing these principles.
File metadata (for organising)
File: Jamyang – gratitude.mp3
UUID: 865e006a-e214-4ef2-8c16-fad9c4f92ed0
Teacher: Ven Jamyang
Collection: 16 guidelines for life june (Ven Jamyang)
Date: 2009 (exact day not recorded)
Recorded at: Buddha House Adelaide
Duration: 111.2 minutes
Words: ~10,427
Welcome, everybody. So tonight, we’re gonna talk about gratitude. And there are a few people who haven’t been here for a while. True? So I’ll give you the big picture of what we are actually trying to do.
Sixteen guidelines for a happy life is a teaching that came from a king in Tibet who he was what they call a Dharma king. He was a king in the kingdom but he was a very highly realized practitioner and he wanted to find a way to help the lay people in the community to understand the dharma but he knew that access to the texts is very difficult, you need a lot of time and you need to know how to read and to write and to So what he did is wrote a text on the sixteen guidelines for a happy life. And the guidelines give a guideline of how to think, how to act, how to relate to others, and how to give life meaning. And what it basically does, it counteracts our, what we call, our self-cherishing or our self grasping mind. If we look into how we normally behave or how we think, we are very self centered people Everything is about me and everything is about me feeling good as long as I feel good everything is alright, know we’re not too concerned about others as long as I feel good and that self-cherishing mind looks appears like a mind or an I or how you want to label it it appears like something benefiting us, that is taking care of us.
Our self-cherishing mindset gives us everything we need, is looking constantly for what we need and is helping to protect us against dangers from outside, people who want to harm us, people who want to take away something that we think belongs to us. That is how we think we find happiness. True? That’s how we behave all the time, that’s how we think, that’s how we operate. The sixteen guidelines basically say if that is the only thing you’re doing you actually live like an animal and you’re definitely not going to be happy.
You actually create a causes for unhappiness again and again and again. The difficulty is that it appears like it makes us happy. It gives us constantly this message. I’ll take care of your needs. I’ll make sure that you get protected.
I’ll make sure that nobody harms you. That’s where we’re coming from. But the way we then act and react is actually creating causes for suffering. So the message itself I want to happy and I want to be free of suffering there’s nothing wrong with that. So we don’t have to get rid of that.
We can become happy and it’s very good to strive for happiness. Happiness is actually our natural state of mind. If If we would realize how our mind really looks like we are perfectly happy. So all the time that we are unhappy actually means we do not really realize reality. We do not really realize how we actually exist.
Every form of unhappiness is we make a mistake in our thinking, in our acting, in the way we relate to others. So happiness is something very natural. Happiness is something that is there for everybody. Each and every living being has a natural the natural state of their mind is in the nature of happiness. Being unhappy is not the natural state.
And we know that if we’re really unhappy and we’re really unhappy for a long period of time we get sick. We get disease, disease. Our mind is at disease and it affects the body. And we know when there is stress how that affects the body. True?
And we know that if somebody has deep grief and cannot get over it they get sick or they might even die. So the mind influences very much the body and if the mind is unhappy the body functions less and less and less well. If we fall in love our body has no problems. Right? We’re floating.
Everything goes so easy. When we’re really angry we meet obstacle after obstacle after obstacle. Nothing works. That’s the mind creating that. So when we think about the sixteen guidelines for happiness we’re trying to find a way how we can counteract that self-cherishing mind that is in looking for happiness just thinking about our own happiness and realizing that that is actually a mind that is not bringing us the happiness that we are looking for.
The self-cherishing mind brings very short term happiness. It actually brings just pleasure. If I want, if I feel a little bit depressed and I think what should I do to counteract that? You know I might go to the fridge and get some chocolate. I know that oh yeah that is gonna get me over my depression.
And then five minutes after the depression comes again and I go to the to the fridge and get more chocolate and get more chocolate and more chocolate until I get sick. Alright. Very short term pleasure and that turns into even displeasure if we keep on going. If we keep on indulging in the pleasure eventually it becomes displeasure. True?
Anything that we do too much turns into displeasure. So that means that pleasure is not a really stable pleasure. It is a pleasure that we cannot really rely upon. It is changeable. It is its nature to change.
It is also its nature that if I try to taste some chocolate that first instance it tastes really good but then it becomes less. Isn’t it? That feeling of good is very, very short. That doesn’t stay a long time. And then even if I try to eat more that feeling, that first feeling of how it tastes doesn’t come back.
That’s only the first taste that tastes so good. True? So that real happiness is not in the chocolate. That real happiness is not in anything that we find in the external world. But what the sixteen guidelines say is that a real happiness comes from our own attitude in how we look for happiness.
At the moment we do it in a self centered way but if we would turn that around and include others much more in our world then happiness will naturally come. So we have, is that true? Can everybody follow me or do I go too fast? So we talked about four different ways of thinking. We talked about thinking with humility, with patience, with contentment and with delight.
These are ways to counteract a mind that is normally obsessed with attachment or anger or jealousy or pride. And then we talked about four ways of acting and we talked about I’m not sure if I know them all by heart I have to have a look. Talked about kindness, honesty, generosity and right speech. And at the moment we’re talking about how to relate to others. And we have spoken about respect and forgiveness and tonight we’re going to talk about gratitude.
And next week Annie will start talking about loyalty. So how we relate to others. Why is it important to reflect on that? If we see how we appear to ourselves we appear as quite independent beings that are very self sufficient in finding happiness and taking care of ourselves. We do not need too many people around us to help us in that.
That’s the appearance, that’s the feeling that we have. So that’s how we behave to others. I don’t really need you. If I can’t get from you what I want, I’ll go to your neighbor. True?
So that means that we do not really realize how our happiness depends upon others. Think that we can look for the others who give us happiness the way we want it and we feel very independent in doing that. We can because of that we can be very disrespectful, we can hold grudges against people who didn’t give us what we wanted. We’re not really necessarily thankful, we feel that we have the right to get things. We have all rights and other people have just to provide that to us.
And we also feel that if it’s better for us we don’t necessarily have to keep our friendships or return kindness to others. Is that true or not? Is that just me who acts like that? That’s very self centered. Isn’t it?
It’s all about me as long as I can get what I want and I’ll just choose how to do that and I’ll use the people around me who can provide me that. So the sixteen guidelines say that’s not really helping you in getting happy. That’s not bringing you real happiness. Real happiness is based on respect for others. It’s based on forgiving even if somebody hurts you and based on gratitude.
Do we need to do a meditation? Is everybody ready? You want a meditation? Okay. So before we start with the gratitude, we’ll maybe focus on mind even more.
So just make sure that you sit comfortable with your feet on the floor if you’re sitting on a chair. It is best if you don’t cross your legs, but have your feet next to each other. And then just be aware of your body. Bring your mind to your body. Bring all your thoughts to your body.
All the thoughts about the past, about the things that have happened to you. Bring these thoughts to your body with the knowledge that when these thoughts are with your body, and you can focus on the teaching from tonight, you will be able to find ways how to deal with whatever happened in the past. And do the same with the thoughts that are already going into the future. Bring the mind back to the body. Realizing that the future is not there yet, hasn’t happened, is at a moment a complete fantasy?
And all the energy that we invest there, we cannot use it in the present moment to focus our mind, to deepen our understanding of our mind, to deepen our understanding of reality. And if we do use all our energy to deepen our understanding, to connect more with our own heart, solutions will naturally surface. Lindsay uses that phrase from Lama Zopa, there are no problems, only solutions. But if you look at the real meaning of that, then problems only occur when we think about what has happened to us, things that we do not like, and we keep on going over that again and again and again, and then it is a problem. We didn’t like it, and we make that even bigger.
All problems exist when we reflect on the future, what might happen to us, and fear comes, or maybe hope is there, that can create problems. But when we bring our mind to the present moment, focus on what is and nothing else than that, There is no problem. And the more we bring our mind to the present moment, the more things can naturally arise. Solutions can come. Reflect on that and see if that is true for you.
Gratitude. What is gratitude? Thankfulness. Thankfulness. For?
Everything. For everything. Is that true? Do you agree with that? The things that are important to you.
Yeah. So not you say not for everything but No, no, not for everything. Maybe you don’t always see gratitude in everything, but what’s important to us at the moment, or how our minds thinking at the moment? For things that are important to you. Can you give an example?
I’m grateful to be here tonight. I have a card that got me here. The friends that came with me, she had this with me and the people that I’m in the room with. That’s an immediate example. Yes.
And you mean everything would be that you’re also grateful for what’s happening home or? Well-being and living and a healthy body. My list will just go on. But you said it’s not just everything it’s also what is important right now. Mhmm.
So this is this is what you to feel is this your priority, and then you can extend that to this? Yeah. So they don’t exclude each other? No. Good.
humbleness? Gratitude? Does gratitude make you humble? Sometimes. Do you need to be humble to feel gratitude?
Maybe also? Yeah, think we’re interconnected. They’re interconnected? So can you remember can I say humility? humility.
Who was here when we talked about humility? That was the first class. Can you remember what we thought was important? What is humility? Seems to be what it was to be grateful for what you have.
Were you talking about the opposite of humility where you’re arrogant and self absorbed and self righteous? Yeah. And humility was the opposite of those things. Yeah true and humility was an attitude where we felt that we could learn from others. So when we feel gratitude there is this immediate connection with others.
Isn’t it? Gratitude when we are very selfish it’s difficult to feel that. We feel gratitude when we are very aware of others. And humility you also need others to be in your picture in order to feel humble. So are they the same or they go together?
They go together. But they’re different things. Because I remember when we talked about humility people felt that a lot of people in the room didn’t think it was an asset to be humble. Like a weakness? It was seen as a weakness, whereas I think most people, I I thought it was an asset, a lot of people didn’t think it Whereas gratitude, I think most people would agree, is an asset.
It’s not a bad thing to do. Did you feel that everybody got stuck with that idea or did it change? Well hopefully it changed, It changed in the night wasn’t it? In the beginning. A lot of people thought humility was being weak, being doormat, whereas I thought it was a thing to have.
So yeah, no it changed. Hopefully. I think it changed at the end of the night. But it’s interesting with this concept of humility to say. Yeah.
Yeah. As with gratitude there is an ease it feels easier maybe. What is gratitude? It’s a deep appreciation. Appreciation.
That’s realistic. Yeah. What do you mean with that? I think if you’re really honest with yourself Yeah. Then there’s a lot to be grateful.
Yeah. You feel that if you if you’re making up stories about yourself, then you might go more into that bubble of Mhmm. Yeah. Not being grateful and thinking that everything is naturally coming to you or so you need your feet on the ground to be to have gratitude. You need to have your feet on the ground to feel gratitude.
Do we behave when we do the opposite? When we’re not grateful? What do we do? We have expectations. expectations?
So when there’s gratitude, there is no expectation. There is maybe more accepting what is. Contentment. Realistic accepting what is. Acknowledging others.
What is, yeah. Acknowledging others. I think very important. Put expectation on that side. You you often feel a victim.
If you’re too busy thinking, Oh, this is terrible, this is terrible, you’ve not been grateful for what you actually have. You can feel a victim. But you can also be aggressive. Yeah, but this isn’t right in my life, this isn’t right and she hadn’t done this or this hasn’t happened as opposed to focusing on what you have got. Yeah.
Can also go to the other side. Resentful. Maybe. That you deserve better. And why is why are people treating you like that?
And resentment. What is the opposite? How do we behave when we’re not grateful? Or how do we think? Or a Close minded.
Close minded. Defensive. Uh-huh. Disappointed. Disappointed?
Disappointed. Could negative emotions the stronger they become the more the lack of gratitude comes. True? So as soon as there are disturbing emotions in our mind and that can be anger and it can be all kinds of, all levels of anger, I mean disappointed can be just before the anger, resentment can be after the anger. Defensive can be before the anger.
Bitter can be after the anger. What about if we have strong attachment? Strong desire? We feel at loss. We feel?
At loss. At loss. At loss. At loss? Yeah, like That we don’t can’t get what we Being grateful for what we have is is like giving in.
It’s like giving up. Giving up what we want? Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.
We feel like we’re surrendering something. We have to give up our attachment or what we want in order to go to the gratitude. True? So when there’s strong attachment in the mind, we can’t feel the gratitude. And if we have strong jealousy can we feel grateful?
No. And strong pride also not because we already need the humility to feel the gratitude. So whatever emotion there is in the mind, whatever disturbing emotion there is in the mind that blocks the gratitude. So if we are grateful, how do we feel? How does it make us feel?
Happy? Calm. Calm. Calm. Content.
So that’s a feeling. This is what we feel when we are grateful. So how do we feel when we show others gratitude? No, when others show us gratitude, sorry. This is when we show Sorry?
You’re giving someone the gift of having those feelings. So if we show somebody gratitude we feel like we give somebody a gift but that’s not really a feeling is it? No I guess what I was trying to say is that you give others the opportunity because sometimes you receive those things too. Yeah. Contagious.
Yeah. That can be a happy feeling in itself that you do that. The same as when you give a gift, be it a physical gift, something that gives you pleasure to give that gift to somebody. Yeah, yeah. So you feel I’m confused.
This is when we feel gratitude towards others or when others feel gratitude towards us? When we feel gratitude towards others. This. Yeah. Yeah.
When we feel gratitude towards others Jesus. Sorry? Well, because when someone’s grateful to you, you will also feel happy and Happy? Needed and wanted and. What my life is.
Is there a difference when we feel gratitude towards others or others feel gratitude towards us? Is there a different sensation? You don’t have to be grateful for anything but for someone to feel grateful towards you. You might not even know that you’re being grateful. Yeah.
So I would like you to do an exercise, but you don’t have all you have a pen and paper? No. You don’t. Not everybody. Okay.
And we have to do it just quietly in our mind, Maybe. Maybe do a little group. No. No. We don’t need to do that.
I would like you maybe we do do that. Let’s make groups of three and we’re gonna and I want you to talk about that you you you tell the other two people in the group. First of all introduce yourself and then talk about name at least five people in your life that you feel grateful towards and explain a little bit why and then say five things that has happened to you in the last week that you feel grateful for. And if a week is difficult then go to one month. And I’ll write the questions then.
And then mention what made you happy in the last month. And just talk about where you feel grateful in your life and then see what happens with the mind. Alright? Because gratefulness is not something that we do naturally, is it? Do Sometimes when we’re really grateful we can feel the feeling but it’s not something that we focus upon in order to develop that in the mind.
It comes when it comes. But we don’t think I’m going to practice to be more grateful. We normally don’t do that because we don’t know the benefit. We just enjoy it when it comes but we don’t realize that if we would allow that to come every day we would actually feel much happier. So what I would like you to do is to experience how it is when you talk about things that you feel grateful for and see how easy it is to generate that feeling.
Does that include how we feel if we do something and someone isn’t grateful? We can talk about that later maybe. Unless you feel grateful when that happens. That somebody doesn’t acknowledge you and Sometimes you might feel a little bit put out if you’ve gone to a great effort. Say you’ve cooked your partner a dinner or something and they’re in some way not, you know, maybe they’re in a bad mood or something or they don’t acknowledge it.
Why don’t you cook it like this? Because it’s probably the hardest time to still feel grateful, isn’t it? When Yes. You’ve gone to an effort and someone isn’t actually grateful towards you. And we can we yes.
That’s expectations, isn’t it? Yeah. So you’re cooking with expectations that your partner is going say how wonderful you are that you did Yes. And that expectation comes from your self-cherishing which necessarily is setting yourself up for disappointment. So cooking without expectations and then grateful for anything that comes.
Cooking without expectations. Their companion eating without expectations. Eating without expectations? Say this. Yes.
It’s nice. You say one of the classes, you should you tell the partner. No. Should pick up. Yeah.
What is that? Don’t know. We’re it was that topic. I was I was, you know, I was yeah. Was a yeah.
Oh, Finn. What was that? We were talking in one of them, and so I Well, Philip, I like to I like Philip. Yeah. Like, because I like to cook.
And, like, if I sort of have something that’s, you know, I might sort of my mind’s usually going if it doesn’t taste, you know, a bit oh, I might need something a little bit more. Might need a little bit more. Mhmm. Yeah. Salt or maybe a bit less salt or a bit of pepper or something.
And that’s sort of something that I would say just because And all the women here went, oh. Don’t do that. Do you have a girlfriend or something? Well, you’ve got a lot to learn about. Did I say that though?
Something along those lines. For I think she knew that she had made a huge beer and cooking it. And I said, yes, dear. It was very yummy, very nice. And she knew oh, she knew.
We’ve She loves it. Guess she said, dear. Oh my god. My brain is saying, Blake, just just just say you’re. She did Alright this is the first one.
You want me to put you in groups or you find your own group? Unless there’s one person too much then we can do a group of people that don’t know, right? It would be best if you go with people that you don’t know. That’s the nicest thing actually. Sorry?
Then you can tell a lie. Then you can tell a lie. You to make up the English speaker story. You came to write speech didn’t you? Okay, you know what I’m going to give you a number and then you go with the same number in the group.
That right? And let’s say one two three and all the ones go together we have three groups isn’t it? That’s not what we want. We want to have six groups. So I count till six.
So you mark here one two three, four, five, six. One, two, three. And who left? Here’s number four. So the numbers one go here together, and the numbers two go there.
Mhmm. And the number three go here, and four go there, and five go here, and six go there. And I can’t remember which number you had. So three six. I’m fine.
Am. You always move in? I’m fine. So introduce yourself. So you’re number four.
You’re number is he with you? Sorry? No. Nothing. You have four people number four.
One person has to come to number three. I think you are three. You’re here with them. How is everybody going? Finished?
Yes. When you finish, just come back to the group. When you finish, come back to the group. You finished? I know you love talking and now you do.
We’ll put things on the board. So what happens when you talk about it? Question again. What happens when you talk about it, not when you go off the subject? When you talk about it actually make people more grateful.
You’re more aware of the good things that you’re in What sort of fosters more I found it sometimes a little bit overwhelming. Like in the last five years it was like Too much? Yeah, I took the five away. I thought maybe it’s too much. Oh, you’re the last five days and then I said Oh, yes.
Oh, boy. Thank you. Yes. So what I would like to do is that you name what you felt grateful for in the last five years and I’ll try to keep writing, see if we can make the board full. Yeah?
So what do we feel grateful for? Friends. Friends? What else? Family.
Family. What else? Fresh air. Yep. I had sight.
Eyesight? Yeah, sight and seeing. Seeing color. We we’ve gone into color there for a while. Haven’t color in my whole life.
Eyesight, What else? Being born a human being. Being a human being. Top of the intellect tree. Well, sometimes.
It is definitely the top of best capable of using that intellectual potential. Being a human being. People made my clothes. I didn’t have to do it myself. Yeah.
Clothes makers. How do say that? Another word in English? Taylor would do. Taylor?
Is that with an I or a Y? Yeah. Tailor. Okay. Health?
Or good food. Good food. What else? Oh, is it having a home? A home.
And comfort in our home. Our Comforts. How would we say that? Environment. Environment?
No. Mhmm. Freedom from poverty. You live somewhere where there’s freedom from poverty. And poverty.
Yep. I think you said opportunities in our group. Opportunities have come our way. Opportunities? Yeah.
Yeah. What else? Pets. Pets? Yeah.
Is that e? Like this? Yeah. Yep. Sunlight.
Sunlight. Yeah. Imagine the sun doesn’t come up. It’s a blue sky. It’s a blue sky.
Trees. Trees. And look pretty. They look pretty. Trees, social, beautiful sight, colors.
Freedom of speech. Freedom of speech. Music. Music. Good teachers.
Good Good teachers. Abundance. Abundance. When when I’ve converted them to friends. When you convert them an enemy converter.
When you convert them to friends. I’m grateful for the enemy converter. Because I can’t be grateful for some if they’re my enemy but I can be grateful that they were my enemy and you know they told me whatever. Yeah. So I don’t know if enemies is an accurate thing.
Because once I’m grateful for them they’re not my enemy anymore. True. Yeah. Maybe understanding opposing So what if you call it sorry, what did you say? Oh, understanding opposing views.
So even if you don’t feel the same, you can sort of appreciate what they’re trying to say and do. Mhmm. But it’s more than that understanding opposing views. What if you say gratitude for what you learned, even if it’s Books. Choices.
Being able-bodied. Sorry? Being able-bodied. Able-bodied. Able-bodied.
Healthy. Well we’ve got healthy but able-bodied is a Not being disabled. Being able? Able-bodied. Able-bodied.
More space. What else? All the people that do the jobs that we can’t do, like fix our car and Yeah. Skillful Skillful Yeah. Say it again.
You ever spent thousands buying these TVs that are high definition? Life is high definition. When you just open your eyes, it doesn’t make a surround sound. Uh-huh. You wanna remind yourself of that occasion.
It’s this wonderful thing. But this is a big it’s like IMAX. You just open your eyes and Yes. Message. So I’ll I’ll leave yours in the eyesight and the music.
Is that alright? Oh, beautiful sound. I just remind myself that the senses are amazing. Yeah. Senses.
Sense pleasures? Sorry. What did you say? Massage. Yeah.
Massage. Can we say shiatsu? Yeah. Is that with a e? Massage, an a h e.
That’s okay. Oh, it is. No. That’s an I. Yeah.
Massage is I. Massage. What else? Communication. Communication.
Communication. Champagne. How do you spell that? C h a m p a g n e. Champagne?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you would have nothing and just walk. Different cultures.
Different cultures. Whatever I say differences? Differences? People? We have the friends, family and the enemies just came.
So that’s almost everybody. People and the tradesmen and the Clean water. Clean water. Green. Good soil.
Soil. Ex partners. Sons, children, everything that comes with that. What energy? humour.
Energy? human. Yes. We can do another one, can turn it around. Think just to have freedom, so many of us forget to have the fact that we can vote, the fact that we’re not going to be worried about being attacked or raped or beaten.
Freedom of. Abusive sort of situation but we’re not at war, you know. It’s just freedom being Freedom of war, you said speech, poverty. Yeah, to be It’s a lot, Chocolate, that’s very important. What?
I don’t actually. Chocolate. It’s a Tea. Tea. I don’t even know how to spell it.
That’s how I talk about it because sometimes I know there are a few people coming to class who really love chocolate. And many, they say many women love chocolate. That’s a lot to be grateful for. Matthew mentioned something about enemies. Can I rub this out?
Can we have this all in the mind? It’s all in the mind. And he talks about enemies. And what if we look for if somebody hurts us or we have a conflict with somebody, then generating gratefulness is very difficult. And sometimes when we look into our family especially our parents who have done so much for us, how do we show gratefulness to them normally on average?
Do we show that? Or do we just think well that’s normal? You chose to be my parents. You love them. Yeah.
But do we do that? Well, I do. You do? I think I took my parents for for granted. Yeah.
And and I look back with regret on that. Yeah. So your parents are still alive or no? No. Can you still generate gratitude after they have passed away?
I can see it more now. Can you place them in front of you and tell them? I don’t feel bad doing that, but yeah, it’s good already. Would it shift something? Yes.
So gratitude even if the person can’t hear us, you know, gratitude is our own attitude towards others. And you can say I’ve never been able to show that but you can still show it today. It’s like an exercise that we do in our own mind. So when we visualize, you know if somebody has disappeared out of our life and that we think actually I wish I had been more grateful to that person we can just visualize them in front of us and tell the person what we feel grateful for. Would it change our relationship with these people even if they don’t know what we are doing?
Our parents. Who is not grateful to their parents? Who shows it not enough? Not often as I’d like to be. Not as often as you’d like to be.
What about Philip? I’m looking for young people, know, they normally have trouble there. I think I am very grateful for my parents but I probably don’t show it enough. How can we show it? How can we show gratefulness parents or to those that are very close to us, our partner, brothers, sisters?
How? You know if your mom cooks you a good meal, just say thank you, you know? Yeah. Say thank you. Even cooking your mom.
Yeah? Returning the Returning. The Returning the favor or the kindness? How would I say that? I suppose it’s giving.
You’re giving in some way. Yes. Giving a hug. I keep on going back to it’s quite a while ago when you said it’s not what you say. It’s not what you do.
It’s much as how you it’s how you make you feel. Yeah. So, like, my mom, just a mere act of me being very mindful of making her feel good. Just having a pleasant conversation rather than talking about problems or just trying to be lighthearted, maybe a little bit humorous. And you know by the end of the phone call she’s feeling good.
Uh-huh. And then you feel gratitude? Or is that your way of showing gratitude? Yeah. So making feel making the other person feel good?
Yeah. Yeah. Figured it simply by the way you talk to them. It’s true, isn’t it? We do tend to say a lot of our problems with our parents rather than actually you know?
I find for me, I I do that more than I just find out what you know, talk about happy stuff and and that sort of thing. Sharing Sorry? Having a problem with my eyes start ringing you more. Sharing your good fortune? Listening.
Listening. So if you listen in order to develop gratitude, how do you listen? With understanding. Uh-huh. So you have that acknowledging is is there listening.
Because you can listen to somebody who has problems without having that feeling of gratitude necessarily. You can listen to somebody who is telling problems without necessarily feeling gratitude towards that other person. Yeah, I suppose it depends what your relationship to them is really. Yeah. Like if it’s someone in the street you’re probably not gonna feel gratitude but maybe if it’s your mom or your dad then.
So I was wondering what does it make your listening how does it make your listening different? You’re more likely to be more patient and and listen in a more compassionate way. Mhmm. I think. Listening with compassion?
I’ve noticed that sometimes it’s a lot easier to be compassionate with people you don’t know. Right. No. No. You go in contradiction.
So first you say it is you want I wouldn’t do this with a person on the street, the gratitude. You see what you did? So I just tried to get it really clear so that you get a good connection with that in your mind. So we’re not there yet. So listening, how does listening make it showing of gratitude?
What is specific about the listening when we show our gratitude to somebody? Because you take the time specifically to listen. Uh-huh. But what do you have in your heart? Empathy.
Empathy? Openness. Openness. What about remembering what they have done to you? What they’ve given to you?
Yeah. I don’t know. That’s that’s what what I would need to think of. That I that I remember how kind they have That works with your parents but it might not work with someone you don’t actually know. No.
No, but you said somebody that you don’t know that’s very difficult to feel gratitude because Yeah, but it’s hard to feel compassion. No, no. So when you listen to show your gratitude, what you do is you remember their kindness or you remember what you received from them. Yeah. Remember all the listening they’ve done for you.
Listening, yeah. While remembering. Kindness. You can listen to someone and be grateful that they have a different view to your own. So they they they see the world in their own in their own way.
Yeah. You can be grateful for that diversity. So even if someone’s saying something you don’t particularly like, you can just be grateful that, you know I don’t know how to say it. Yeah. Just someone has a different view than your own.
Yeah. So you can kind of you can get out of your own way of seeing things. So how do you do that with your parents? I guess just be open and not try and judge. Just be accepting.
Yeah. Accepting? Just, yeah, let them express themselves in the way that they express themselves. Themselves. And maybe listen with the intention to be supportive.
Yeah. Yeah. Whatever it is that’s that. Thank you. How do we show gratitude?
That’s what we’re doing, isn’t it? How do we show gratitude? Say that again? Offering support. And even listening with intention, like you said, with an an intention of some sort.
I think when you listen to somebody, feeling that when you really listen to somebody, it gives them the feeling that you feel that what they’re saying is important. That in itself makes them feel good. You know, that you’re not just whatever, know, what they have to say and the time that you’re willing to give to listen to them, you’re making them feel important. Is that Is necessarily gratitude? The person who is being listened to can feel gratitude towards the person who is listening to you because I therefore start to feel that what I have to say is important and who is listening to and I feel grateful for that.
Yes, so that is how can we generate, how can we help others to feel grateful? For instance by giving full attention. Is that our intention that we’re to make other people feel grateful or? Yes, but we’re talking about how can we show our gratitude towards say our parents or those who have helped us or those that we feel grateful towards. So then we started talking about listening and now we go from listening to making other people feel grateful when we listen to them.
And what you’re saying is all valid, know, I’m not saying that. I just want to Yeah, yeah. I think if you’re grateful for someone, like you said, you’ll be a decent person in relation to them. So just, you know, make setting the intention to be a decent person. If there’s someone you’re grateful for and you know that maybe you you haven’t related them related to them in a way that isn’t always decent Yeah.
You could you could make that decision. To to change that? Yeah. Yeah. So so what what Michael said like I haven’t been grateful enough to my parents and I regret that so he can make the decision to change that.
Yeah. Yep. I find that when I feel grateful towards family or friends that I also make more of an effort to overlook things that sort of bug me about them. Mhmm. Because, you know, I I think maybe most people have got things like that we don’t agree with or somebody will have certain habits that bug you a little bit.
And when you’re grateful and feeling in a good friend of mine, yes, you you make it, oh, I’m not gonna say anything. Didn’t like that comment, but it’s okay. I’m not gonna Yeah. You make a quite a concerted effort to think, oh, I saw that person’s right, but that’s okay because I’m grateful. Yeah.
So the focus on the negative aspects becomes less intense? And that’s a that’s a choice. That’s a good one, isn’t it? If we if we focus because if we see how our mind operates, our mind really likes to indulge in all the negative things, all the things that didn’t go good, all criticisms that we have, all the by the moment we start practicing gratefulness that becomes that tendency just naturally diminishes. And that makes us feel better when we do that.
So what about gratefulness for somebody that really hurts us? I wanna do that last one. Because what you said, as long as the herd is there, we’re not really grateful. So how do we get to that stage of feeling grateful? If we’re hurt, means they’ve brought something up at us that needs to be examined?
We’ve reacted to them. If someone’s hurt us, they’ve brought us something at us that we’ve been forced to examine. So if they hadn’t done that, whatever it was to us, we wouldn’t be able to see that in ourselves. So it’s like, you know, a burst of awareness. Opportunity to broaden our awareness?
Yeah. Yeah. Broaden awareness. So these are tools that we use when we feel hurt. Feel hurt and we want to transform that hurt into gratefulness or gratitude.
I think when we work through hurt, it can make us a better person and we learn real empathy. How do we do that? How do we work through hurt? So Matthew said you can see it as an opportunity to broader your awareness and to investigate something in yourself. Investigate that, look at yourself and try and understand it better, examining what’s happened.
Yeah. I think once we make sense of that and move through that, we can then I think it gives an empathy for others and a better understanding of it. Yeah. To see it from their point of view. To see it from their point of view.
I I completely agree with you. I just don’t have other words than this for that. So you go further, what it leads to when you start doing that, when you connect with the hurt, you do generate more compassion and you do get a better understanding about yourself. Say it again. It again.
See it from their point of view. Yeah, see their perspective. I think we quite often get wrapped up so much in our own perspectives. Perspective. We don’t see that.
Can can I say that actually? So I’m trying to understand. I don’t grasp how you can When you’re being hurt, I’m not saying I’ve been hurt, I’m just trying to grasp the concept of being able to move from into gratitude for someone hurting you. So if somebody hurts us and then what we want to do we’re going to go to a place of gratitude for that what has happened to us. So in order to get there we first have to get out of the hurt.
Right because as long as we feel the hurt we cannot feel gratitude. As long as we feel the hurt it’s ourselves cherishing mind that says Poor me, poor me, that person, I don’t like that person. I blame that person. So we first have to go through our hurt and find a place, peace with that. And when we have done that and when we completely find peace then we can say wow I actually learned a lot through that process and I feel grateful towards that person that we met or that maybe not that a person did that.
How would you say that? It’s similar to a lot of people who have crises in their lives or bad things that happen but when they move through it they actually look back and say, well actually, as bad as that was, I’m grateful for that because I’ve made changes to my life or it’s made me look at parts of myself that I would never have looked at if this hadn’t happened the same way. So I am In a person hurting you, perhaps a relationship breaks up or something happens or someone shows their true colours and they’re not the friend that you thought, causes that pain and sometimes it actually can move you into a different place kind of. But so then do you But you end up being grateful for it, it’s strange. But for the situation are you grateful to the person?
Are you grateful for the situation or are you grateful that a person did that? We are grateful for the opportunity, for the situation. For what we learnt from it. That’s what it is. It’s when you’ve come full circle and you’ve gone through the hurt that you say, well actually I learnt out it.
It’s taught me perhaps not to react in this way or do this in the future. So I’m sort of grateful for the result I don’t think Yeah. For what you’ve learnt or So can you be grateful for the situation and still despise the person? Be grateful for the outcome. Through the situation, seeing what we learned, grateful for the outcome.
So Matthew had a good question, grateful for the outcome. Say it again Matthew. Can we be grateful for the situation and still despise the person? Can we? Well we can, us mere mortals.
You know you can. Can we also let go of the hate of the person? What do we have to do for that? Does it become harder to despise the person once we have gratitude for the experience and that grows? The more gratitude we feel for the situation, can that soften us towards the person?
It has to lead to forgiveness or gratitude. So then take it one step further, are you saying that you ultimately in order to truly forgive, you’ve gotta become reconciled with your enemy or the person that hurts you? You mean that you really have to meet that person? Yeah. Where did you hear that?
No. I’m just I’m asking. I’m wondering if because otherwise you’re gonna have alright. We’re saying we that that situation was a learning experience. Yeah.
And we’re accepting that we learned something from that. But do we still but in order to truly forgive, do you have to reconcile with that person that has hurt you? Is that Do we? I don’t think we do. Do we have to?
Do it without. Unless you really have to do that. You can just say boss fires. Mhmm. Because I’m And then, you know, you hate them because they fired you and put you in an awkward spot.
And then as a result of that, get some fantastic job a month later. And so you realize that it was really a great situation, but it doesn’t mean you have to meet the boss and No. Say thanks. You could, you know, you could generate the gratitude without it, couldn’t you, really? I mean, maybe it would help if you met them and said, hey.
You know, I really hated you. You’re a bastard for five years. And now I’m making twice as much of you. I don’t know if it’s like that. If you can do that, if you can say, you know, I’m really grateful that you did that.
It hurt very much but I’m very grateful that you did that. Well I think that’s the best But I don’t think you have to. You could And if somebody fires you, how would they feel? You know, and they see that you’re actually unhappy, how would they feel? And then what you tell them is like, they don’t feel happy when they do that.
So then you tell them well actually that was fantastic because this and this this good happened to me. They will feel relieved you know and they might be very grateful to you and then who knows. That’s that When you actually you know, like, you know, when on the other side of it, when you apologise to someone for something you did that caused some pain. Yeah. It does feel better.
You know, and I think it feels better for them too because it gives them the opportunity to move on and go through their own process with it. It’s not necessarily but it can be helpful and sometimes easier and sometimes more difficult but worthwhile to do. Yeah. I’ve always found that when I’ve done the wrong thing Yeah. And I’ve apologized later on for it, I’ve actually felt better.
I think the person’s felt better too. You’ve acknowledged that you didn’t you did something wrong by someone, you know. I think that’s good for both of Yeah. See it as an opportunity. Look into their perspective, see what we can learn, look at the outcome.
So when we go through a process we can develop more compassion for ourselves and for others. We can also, our wisdom is probably going to arise because you know in order to deal with it we have to think, think, think, find other ways of thinking, reflecting in order to get to a space where we haven’t been before. So then the wisdom arises. And when we have both arising we might naturally know better how to help others so our skills can improve by doing that. And I think when something negative has happened then maybe practicing gratefulness and thinking about all the good things that come from that negative situation actually helps you to much quicker to let go of the negativities.
And then you become open and happy and light and I actually, yeah, I read it somewhere and started practicing. I walk across the beach most mornings and it’s a really good thing to do as you walk along the beach. Practicing gratitude. Fifty things that I’m grateful for. Uh-huh.
That’s fantastic. By the time you go through that in a few minutes just in your mind, can really turn around your whole mindset. Somebody once gave me to practice at a moment that you feel something negative arising in your mind, practice gratitude. As soon as anger arises practice gratitude. And was that gratitude towards the specific?
No just for anything. For something. For anything. Because when the delusions are in the mind gratitude is very difficult to come so they cannot exist together. And what we do is when anger comes up we start indulging in the anger we start thinking about the thing and what we actually do is we create more and more a dark mind which doesn’t really It self perpetuates really.
Yeah it does and wisdom and compassion cannot arise but as soon as you start practicing gratitude you let go of whatever negativity is arising in your mind and then you can get easier to your wisdom and your compassion. And then you know if you keep doing that for a while, can look back at the situation and then say, it was actually not such a big deal. Or you find ways of looking at it and it makes it very easy to accept and move on and I found it really helpful to actually look at something specific to the situation, like in terms of what’s actually good that’s come from this thing that’s bad. But specifically that bad thing has created what good things and there’s always stuff that’s created that’s good. So it can’t just be bad because there’s no good.
No. It’s not possible in my experience so far. And good and bad is just our own perception of the situation. Shall we finish with the meditation? Or are there any questions living that need to be answered?
Actually, because we’ve talked about this a lot, when you’re in this situation, whether it may be the negative emotion, whether it’s hurt, anger or whatever, in terms of time, is it something that we should be trying to do immediately, Should we be trying to turn the thing around? Should you allow yourself a little bit of time to not indulge but accept the fact that you do feel angry, hurt, upset, jealous, envy, whatever it may be, and then try to address it. Well first you have to acknowledge that, you feel like that. When we feel hurt, What is the benefit of wallowing in it? There’s no benefit.
It’s just trying to get yourself out of the whole, you know, whatever it is you’re feeling. No. You say, I wanna wallow in it. Well, did. That’s what you said.
It’s like this hole that you’re trying to crawl out of and you keep and you sort of get there and you clutch on and you think you’re out and then sometimes you fall back in again. Then you get frustrated. But you say you wanna wallow in it. You lose it. So you’re rephrasing your question or are you rephrasing it.
There are times when you wallow in it because I know there are times that we wallow and that it feels It’s almost like a little comfort. Yes. It’s a comfort. Hurt, but you also know it’s destructive and it’s going to get you nowhere and you need to get yourself out. And for some people they can get out of that situation a lot quicker than others.
And there’s the problem, some people go on and on on still in that situation. I think we were talking about it last week, it’s all perception, do you acknowledge and then suddenly think ‘okay that’s happened, I feel like that, but I’ve got to move on. You can equally get stuck a little bit in those emotions before you’re able to move on. Yeah, what you say is that people are I think it’s how you have trained your mind. If you are very comfortable in going over and over and over the story again and wallowing in it then that is what you are doing and then it’s very difficult to come out of it and then you try to come out of it but you fall back again and again.
When you’re trained in changing it into gratitude for instance and the moment that anger arises you start thinking about something that you feel grateful in your life or in that moment even and you keep on training your mind. Your habit is going to change and that will make it easier and easier to get out of that negative state. And when you do that for a while, a couple of months, you know you will see that you become, you can’t keep on wallowing because you know it’s just feeling bad. And then you have trained your mind on how to get out of it. So that’s just depending on training.
It’s not that you’re born in a certain way and then that’s just going to be it. You you can change that. And you can go very quickly. Anger comes and you just change your mind like that. Has no essence.
When you can see that there was no benefit at all for anger to be there but normally we feel like we feel something that we feel oh this is me, we feel part of me. And we feel justified. And we have the right to be angry and yes and I yeah. So you have to give that up. So you have to give that up.
So when is it when are you are you repressing? Are you? Repressing? Because I just find like, personally, I need to I need to if I’m angry, I need to be with it for a long time. Not not wallowing in it.
Just kinda being open to it. Yeah. I was I guess there’s almost a fear that if I just say, this is of no benefit to me and then turn turn away Mhmm. Repressing. And it’s still there under me.
Yeah. Yeah. But then you It’s Yeah. Sorry. I feel as I need to sit with it for a long time and let it process.
But what are you doing when you see it? I’m not it’s not necessarily upsetting me. I’m just I’m just looking at it in a detached kind of way. Mhmm. Like, I’ll go to my body and just feel it in my body.
Yeah. But, yeah, there’s I guess there’s a fear that comes up that I’m gonna repress it if I say, okay. This is of no benefit to me than turning away. Yeah. And I guess that’s not really repressing it.
It can be. Yeah. It’s Can be. Oh, I have to sit with this and I have to observe it until it You can also think You know anger is just a feeling that arises. No it’s actually a reaction to a feeling that arises.
And that reaction can last as long as the feeling is there. So you can, but anger can actually feed the feeling. So how do you tap into positive feelings? Because when positive feelings arise in the mind anger cannot stay. So positive feelings arise when you think about for instance positive things that happen to you.
So repressing means that you push it away that you say I do not want to feel this but you say I do feel this but I just do not give it attention I’ll focus on something else which means that your mind can change but that’s not suppression. Suppression means that it is there but you pretend that it’s not there. And normally people walk like this when they do that. Suddenly the head crossed like How about having gratitude for anger? Tell me.
Like, I look at myself like a child perhaps, and I’ll I’ll see this anger come up. I say, look. It’s just this child that just wants to look after himself and get his own way. Yeah. And just be grateful that, you know, in some way, I am trying to look after myself even even if it’s not wise.
You know? Yeah. Do you tell that to the child? Do you say so you say to the child, that’s fantastic that you wanna look after yourself. Thank you.
Thank you. But maybe the method is not so good and do you teach the child another method? I’m not sure like So what is the best way to look after yourself? If it’s not getting angry? Just just to accept whatever.
Accept? And when you accept what of positive emotion can arise in the mind? Gratitude, openness, lovingness. Compassion maybe? Yeah.
So in Buddhism we say that compassion is the the real protector of the mind. Okay. Yeah. Even for others, you know, when others hurt you we react with anger in order to protect ourselves. But if we we can respond with compassion that other person cannot harm us.
So you can teach your child how to become more compassionate and say fantastic that you want to take care of yourself. Here is a tool that is a real protection. Yeah? Don’t forget that. Otherwise you create more and more anger.
And you say, oh how fantastic that anger is there. How fantastic the anger is there. I’m so grateful that the anger is there because But even being grateful that it is there, it’s like an encouragement. Yeah. It’s like going to the little child, Keep keep getting angry.
Yes. Yeah. Yes. And then you keep sitting and watching it, you know? That’s indulging in it.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Interestingly, when kids are angry and you pander to it, it doesn’t stop them. They just use use that as a method to get you know, like, if your child throws a tantrum and so you go, oh, no.
No. No. Well, then they’ll just throw another tantrum this time and again and again until you show a different form of attention. That’s what I’ve experienced with my own child. Giving children what they want is not a good solution to prevent tantrums.
It’s a good way of feeding the tantrums. Shall we do the meditation before it’s too late? So make yourself make sure that you sit comfortable. And first of all, just settle your awareness, settle your mind. And you can do that by observing your body or by observing your breath.
And just enjoy the experience of coming to rest. And then start by being grateful for all the good things that you experience in your life. Begin with physical things such as your home or possessions or your surroundings. And recall that many people don’t have these things and that you may not always have them. And rejoice in your good fortune.
Think also about the less tangible things such as relationships, health, freedom and knowledge. And experience a sense of thankfulness and appreciation for each of the good things in your life. Then turn your mind to the many people who have been kind to you in the past. Recall the relatives and friends who were supportive or kind to you when were young. Remember the teachers who showed you how to read and write and who inspired you to learn.
And focus on as many specific incidents of kindness as you can. Imagine the kindness that you received from your parents and begin in the womb where your mother held you and fed your inner body. Think of how she nursed you as a baby. How she got up in the middle of the night to feed and comfort you. How she wiped you clean and made sure you were clothed.
Silently express your gratitude to her. And Recall how as a small child you were completely dependent on the kindness of an adult. You were fed, washed and put to bed. You were taught to walk and taken to school. So to whatever extent you can, expand these feelings of gratitude and affection.
See how all the love and kindness you have received in your life depend on similar love and kindness in previous generations. Imagine this kindness reaching back over millennia. Can you develop a wish to repay and pass on this vast kindness? And then finish the meditation with a wish, may all beings be happy. Thank you for coming.
Next week, Annie is sitting here. Thank you very much. Thank you.