16 guidelines for life june — Jamyang – forgiveness

Audio recorded at Buddha House Adelaide. Transcript auto-generated and AI-corrected; may contain errors.

About this talk. In this 131-minute session, Ven Jamyang teaches forgiveness as a living practice within the 16 guidelines for a happy life. She maps four mental habits—humility, patience, contentment, delight—that counter anger, jealousy, and pride, then turns to forgiveness itself: releasing anger and hurt while remembering what happened. Why is it harder to forgive those closest to us? How do expectations fuel resentment? Jamyang guides participants through a letter-writing meditation—first express your hurt from your own perspective, then rewrite the situation from the other person’s viewpoint. In a separate visualization, white light fills your body while dark smoke representing anger leaves with each exhale. Throughout, a lively Q&A addresses trauma, accountability, and karma. The session is direct and interactive, welcoming both newcomers and experienced practitioners.

File metadata (for organising)

File: Jamyang – forgiveness.mp3

UUID: dcb26c40-1520-4fb9-b214-141e54a67468

Teacher: Ven Jamyang

Collection: 16 guidelines for life june (Ven Jamyang)

Date: 2009 (exact day not recorded)

Recorded at: Buddha House Adelaide

Duration: 131.6 minutes

Words: ~15,533

Welcome, everybody. Does it work? Enough? Yeah. Good.

Some people are here for the first time, so welcome to them. Welcome to everybody, but especially to them. We we are talking about the sixteen guidelines for a happy life or at the moment they the people who are working with the materials, they just call it sixteen guidelines for life. They feel that happiness is maybe sometimes too much associated with excitement and instant happiness and not really with making life meaningful. And this is about making life meaningful or living a life that helps to connect more with life, with values of life, with guidelines that can help you to stop harming yourself and stop harming others.

Guidelines that help you to understand better the nature of reality, how things really are. We make many mistakes in how we perceive the world. We somehow we believe we are these independent people that have nothing to do with biggest part of the world. You know, our family is the main thing and then a few other friends and then all the rest has become very, very, gray and far away. That’s not really our concern.

And, because we have in mind that things like that, we actually set ourselves up many problems and we do not realize that we’re doing that. So then when problems come we’re not sure where they’re coming from and when happiness comes we’re also not sure where that comes from and we only we only can guess and we keep on trying: oh maybe when I do this I will be happy, maybe when I do that I will be happy. And every time we find out that when we do that we actually do not find what we want. True? Because when we look for happiness, what we’re looking for is a stable, trustworthy happiness, a joy that is just naturally there.

And the way we look for it, we get a happiness that is very short, that lasts very, short term, that is unstable, that is not trustworthy because one day something makes you happy and the next day it doesn’t make you happy. So somehow we always have to guess. We’re like blind people trying to find happiness and we still do not know how to get it. And we have a way that we can find some pleasure and we somehow think well maybe that’s all there is, maybe that’s all the happiness that is possible to find in life. And then when you learn about techniques and you learn that you have to let go of that looking for pleasure, you think but then I give up everything I have and I have nothing else to find happiness with.

Know, so it’s a difficult situation that we are in and we’re all trapped in the same kind of misperceptions, all kind of not knowing or the same kind of not knowing how to find happiness, how to be free of suffering. So when we talk about the sixteen guidelines for a happy life, we’re talking about looking at a way how we think, how we act, how we relate to others and how we give our life meaning. And if we see how at the moment we are working, if I said very short, we’re we’re doing all that very self centered. We’re all doing that about me. How can I be happy?

How can I get most of the relationship with this person? How can I get most benefit out of this person? How true? If we relate to others, we are mainly obsessed with what a person can give us. We never think, so what can I give to the world?

You know? Maybe we want to give to those that give us a lot back, but just to give to strangers or even people that we do not like. We do not think that that is useful in any way, so we don’t do that. So everything that we are doing, the way we think, the way we act, the way we relate to others is very self centered. The first person that we’re concerned about is me, never the other person.

And what the sixteen guidelines teach us is how we can find an attitude where we turn that around. For instance, in how we think, then the values of humility, patience, contentment and delight help us to find a way to think that makes us happy or that gives joy in our life or that gives fulfillment in our life. humility realizing that we’re not the only person in the world, that we depend upon each other and that everything, everybody that we meet that we can learn something from that person. We many times we do not even think we can learn, We just know everything already. You know?

If I go to the shop, I know what I need and know where to get it and know how to ask for it and know how to we have the feeling we know everything already. Especially in the things that we have been doing for a long time. Time. And when we think we know already we switch off somehow. We go on automatic pilot and when we do that we lose connection with what really is there at the moment, in the moment.

So when we go to the shop we don’t really connect with a person. We don’t really think about where things are coming from. We just switch off and we just, you know, grab whatever we need, we pay and then we are off. And then at the end of the day we feel empty and we think: How is that possible? I have been doing so much.

Why do I feel so empty? And we feel tired. But if we would go to the shop with an open heart and be aware in the moment what is going on and think that we can learn something from everything that we see and who we meet and our whole life becomes more vivid, more alive. And we might have many surprising meetings in that boring shop. You know, somebody comes to you and says, I don’t know, makes a comment and makes you think or you know sometimes you have the most you can have deep conversations.

Some people are looking for that, some people want to share that. And if we are open for that, it can happen to us. And if we can stay more in a moment and realize that we can learn from everybody, our life we will actually energize ourselves. At the end of the day we’re not just tired and empty but we feel full and energized. True?

Can you see that? So when we think with patience, then what we do at the moment is that when something agitates us, we feel that we have the right to be agitated and somehow we want to change it. That person shouldn’t talk like this. I want that to be more quiet. I want that to be different.

We want to change the world around us. That’s a sign of impatience. It’s all about me and I want to be happy and I want to be a quiet I have a quiet mind and you have all have to help me to do that. That’s what we’re doing. True?

So patience is a skill where we do not get disturbed with whatever happens around us. So when we develop that we become very tolerant in the sense that we do not get disturbed with whatever we hear, whatever we see, whatever we and when we are not disturbed we have our wisdom mind or intuition that can work perfectly and give us tools how to deal with the situation. So patience doesn’t mean that we accept everything that happens. Patience just means that our mind doesn’t get agitated when things are happening. So that means we stay in control of our mind, which means that we do not react from emotions as an attempt to stop whatever happens around us, but that we come from a place of wisdom where we can give something to the world that will help to balance the situation.

Hello, come in. Little chair is here if you like. We just go through the guidelines very quickly. So, when we think with contentment, which is the next one, then what we say is, I’m happy with what I have. And if you look in how we think, our mind is constantly chasing something that we want to have.

True? We’re always about the next thing that needs to be done, that we want to have, that we want to accomplish, always looking into the future. That kind of mind is a mind that is never really here, that is never happy with what we already have. And in that mind, because we are always looking further, there is necessarily a discontentment in the mind of, you know, what I have is not good enough or not enough or can be better or we give ourselves that message again and again because we have this attitude. So, contentment is just being in the moment and being happy with what we have.

Doesn’t mean we don’t have to strive for other things, but we strive not because we want to be away from where we are now. We are happy with where we are now, but we know we can improve. So we go step by step And every step we enjoy with what we have, but we can still, you know. Because when you practice the sixteen guidelines, can do better and better and better and better. You know, so you’re not saying, oh, I’m content with how I practice the sixteen guidelines.

We’re not talking about contentment like that. We wanna challenge ourselves and and, be able to generate more and more contentment. So then it gets deeper. So that it becomes more part of our nature. And the last way how we think is delight and delight has to do with being happy with whatever anybody has or has achieved.

You know, not only those that you love but also strangers and also those that you do not like. And we know that with people that we love, rejoicing or delight is not too difficult. But with those that we do not like or those that have harmed us, delight is a very, very difficult practice to do. Right? Because we would like that person to suffer and not have success and that things go bad for that person.

And if we see that having that mind is actually making ourselves very unhappy and we can change it around, then not only do we wish that other person to be happy, but we ourselves are more happy too. Can you see that? So this is the way how we think and the way if we change that way of thinking, what we do is anger, we counteract our desire or attachment, we counteract our jealousy and we counteract our pride. And these four emotions or what we call them is disturbing emotions or afflictive emotions, they are the biggest source of our unhappiness. So every time when we practice these guidelines that we are humble instead of arrogant and that we are patient instead of getting angry, and that we practice contentment instead of trying to fulfill our desire, and that we practice delight instead of being jealous.

Every time that we do that, we change our mind from a self centered, closed, dark mind into an open, light mind that is in the world, that understands reality. It is a more realistic mind. Buddhism says the more realistic we are, the happier we are. They say we live in dreams. We’re creating all these dreams.

I wish that. I wish that that hadn’t happened or that it had happened differently or I wish that that is going to happen in the future. And we’re always thinking about either what already has happened or what might happen and how we would like that to be. That is where our mind is all the time. But we’re never really here.

We’re never really looking at what’s going on right now. And the more we can experience what is going on right now, and then when the disturbing emotions come, we can change them into the guidelines, the more happiness we will experience. It is a natural, natural result. Happiness is something that we have. That is our nature, our true nature.

Our nature is to be happy. But somehow, these delusions, that self centeredness disconnects us from our nature. It’s like when these delusions come, we put ourselves on an island and say: This is my place and I’m more important than anybody else. Or my happiness is more important than the rest world. And because we have that attitude we withdraw on that little island, you know, no bridge, it’s very lonely, disconnected from the world and we think: why am I not happy?

You know, I did everything to get everything in, and I’m still not happy. You know, that’s because you pulled everything in. Happiness is about letting go of your walls, making bridges, and trying to connect as much as you can with what is happening right now in the present moment and with whoever is around you. Imagine a world where you can love everybody. Which you’d be happy.

But that world can only be there when that love comes from us to them, isn’t it? Loving everybody doesn’t mean that everybody loves us. That means that we can go out and feel good with whoever is in front of us. And that’s a skill to do that. And what is in a way is our own delusions.

Oh no, you hurt me, I don’t like you and because I don’t like you I wish you bad luck. That is in our way of happiness. Can you see that? So at the moment we talk about how to relate to others. And last week we talked about respect, having respect for others.

And respect meaning that, first of all that you acknowledge that everybody has personal needs of, you know, being acknowledged for whatever the person has to contribute to the world, being accepted for what you are. And then another way of respect is that somebody who has achieved something in their life that we respect them for that. For instance, take Nelson Mandela who spent so many years in prison and comes out as this wise man which is preaching non harmfulness. You know, that man has gone through a huge transformation. Having respect for that is also a way of respect.

And if you see that you can ask this man, how did you do that? And then you can have respect for all the steps that he made in the process. And then you can think, oh, I would like to do the same. I would like to become the same. How did he do that?

So how can I do that? So then respect becomes about having a role model that you feel that you respect and that you admire and that you would like to learn from. So today we’re going to talk about forgiveness. Do you want to do meditation first? Or are you?

I think you’re all here now. Are you? Yeah. Let’s talk about it straight away. Forgiveness.

What is forgiveness? Letting of anger. Letting go of anger. Oh, that’s a very good one. Letting go of anger.

I think letting go of anger. If anybody doesn’t agree, let me know. Go of anger. Healing. Healing.

Letting go of stuff that we believe happened against us. Say that again? It’s letting go of stuff that we think has happened against us. Yeah. And we have that feeling that and often unfairly I’m sure, that things are against us.

So it’s letting go of all of that. How do we feel when we feel that something is against us? Letting go of hurt? Letting go of hurt. So are these connected?

Yep. So what is first? Anger. Anger. First you get angry and then you get hurt?

Get hurt then you get angry. So first it’s the hurt and then yeah. But sometimes we first realize this before we realize that, isn’t it? We see when we’re angry and when we start digging deeper then we realize oh actually I was hurt. So often the anger is hurting the hurt.

Yeah, it’s a reaction to the hurt. When I see the word forgiveness there’s a gift in there, a gift. So it’s a gift that we give for you that is for me without any it’s a gift that will heal you. So it’s a gift. Forgiving, you give.

So what do you give when you when you forgive? Bridge to a new beginning? So forgiving is not the same as forgetting. It’s growing and learning together through it all. Sometimes we have the feeling, if I forgive this person that means I forget.

Do you know this feeling that you hold on to because you have the feeling that if you let go then it’s off the table and you have to forget it. Is that part of forgiving? What? If you hang onto something then what are you hanging onto? You’re not doing any of that stuff that we just said.

Yeah. Yes, yes. But sometimes when you let go, you know, then it feels like then you also forget. So that’s why I ask, is forgiving the same as forgetting? Does forgiving mean that you also forget?

And how can you forgive without forgetting and holding on to it? That’s a little bit sometimes a struggle. It’s a bit like that thing that people say I forgive but I won’t forget. Yeah. Which guess means in a that I’m not really forgiving but I’ll go through the motions.

That’s how we say it. How can you forget something? I mean you’ve absolutely got amnesia. How could you absolutely forget it? You’d be lying.

You’d be lying if you said, you know, if you stole my car, say, and I forgive you for it, it doesn’t mean that I actually forgot it ever happened. Uh-huh. Because it did happen. I remember it was last Tuesday when you Okay, but so now I you in your face and you say, Hey, you hit me. I say, No, I didn’t.

I didn’t. I never did that. And you say, But I have a blue eye. And I said, Yep, that’s not for me. You already had that when we met.

So then when you’ve and I keep denying. So can you forgive me then? Yes, but I can’t forget because I’ve still got the blue eye. So then you come back to me and you said: But you really did that? And I said: No, I never did that.

Just let it go. Oh, let it go and forgive. Yeah. But I still don’t think you can I think we’re totally separate? Yeah.

You feel that as separate thing. Yeah. What makes it worse? Because you’re lying to me. Yeah.

You’re telling me you’re lying. So that makes it worse. What makes it worse? No, then you can’t forgive. Yeah.

So you can’t forgive. Then you have done two things. And not only hit you, I also lied to you. So Michael stays angry. Michael gets even more angry.

He can cannot forgive when I do that. It makes it more difficult. He makes it more difficult. But I still think you can forgive. You know, you can say, look, you did hit me in the face, but I know you perhaps had your reasons, so I do forgive you, let’s be friends again, but I can’t.

But no, you’re telling me that I hit you in the face and I never did that. How can I be friends with you when you say things like that about me? Well, I don’t know. Since we know that you’re just not right in the head yelling. Okay.

Thank you. Wait, one sec. It’s when you release emotional attachment to something. Yeah. So letting go of the emotion.

Is that You’ve never forgotten that Yeah. Is that the same as letting go or not? It might have been a bit here. Releasing. Isn’t that the same as letting go?

And letting go of hurt? Letting go? Letting it eat in you. Releasing? You can think about it without an emotion Yeah.

Yes? So that is that you can still remember, but you don’t have the emotion to it. You don’t have the attachment. Releasing attachment. Part of equanimity, that you’re forever forgiving?

Is that a state of mind? Because according to the way Buddhists do things you’re not supposed to feel angry, you’re supposed to be in this Well, you’re not supposed to be angry. We do feel anger, what we say is anger is a mind that is not beneficial, that is not making us happy, it’s not making other people happy. And because we all looking for happiness, we get suggestions how we can do that, you know. So it’s not that anger is wrong in the sense they do say anger is very harmful and it’s very destructive.

But it’s still up to the individual to make the choice. It’s, you know, our responsibility to say, I think it’s wrong. I wanna change that. I don’t say should. Stop the shoulds.

I have to forgive you. No. You don’t have to. You can hold on to the grudge if you want to. No.

But the answer it doesn’t the answer, though, isn’t the answer that I should forgive you. Which answer? The answer to my being remaining patient and remaining kind and loving is to forgive you no matter what you do to me or what an enemy does. If you’re looking for happiness and you say what is in my way of happiness and you’re holding grudges to people then the sixteen guidelines say that is one of the obstacles to your happiness. So if you want to find happiness you have to let go of the grudges.

Yeah. So, Xiong Young, if someone hit you in the face, you would get angry and then let it go? Me? Well, let’s try that. I’m the worst practitioner with this.

And you’re my teachers. If someone hits me in the face I would get quite angry, but is that going to go, that anger? Or is it just something that yes it does rear its ugly head but then I learn to let it go quicker as the mind? It depends how we have trained our own mind, isn’t it? It’s like if you had many circumstances in your life that made, I was going to say, made you angry, no, you reacted with anger towards the situations and you somehow needed, somehow that was your way of surviving, you know, because anger feels like a protection, like, you know, I build a shell and nobody can come in.

That is your way of surviving. Then letting go can be very, very difficult, you know. So then you have to learn how to let go and you have to learn how to open up again and feel safe at the same time. So for a person like that it might be a long, long term process to learn how to forgive. But for a person who has grown up very happy and has lots of happy experiences and feels safe and sometimes got angry but then let it go, for them forgiveness can be much easier to do.

So back to the whole forget thing. I think that if you go back into your life and you try and recall things, the only things that you’re capable really of recalling are things that you have emotional attachment to, whether they be good or bad. Uh-huh. So in order to forgive, you kind of do have to forget. Otherwise, you’re still holding on to an emotional attachment to it.

Is that true? But what I forgot your name. Leah. Mia? Yes.

What Mia says is that you only remember the things that you have that attachment to. So the moment you forgive and you release the attachment the memory also goes. There’s no way you can remember what you were doing at the supermarket probably six months ago even when you were in aisle three. You just cannot remember, there’s just no why because you were on autopilot. But what if the attachment, the emotion already has arisen?

Attachment to it. Got hurt. How can you forget that? Yeah. Because you have to learn to release it.

In order to forgive someone properly you have to let that go. Yeah, but if you have had that emotional attachment or that strong emotion and you have thought about it a lot and you worked on it to let it go then there was a reason to have a memory at the same time. I don’t know, I’m not good at forgiving so don’t even Who is good at forgiving here? I don’t know, do we all think we’re good? Think I’m I know I’m not, so You’re reasonable?

That’s good. Middle? Well, think it depends on the things that have happened in your life. Because if you slap me in the face, it would be quite easy to forgive that. But there are things that have happened in my life that, sorry, they’re gonna take a long time to forgive and not just petty incidents.

I think that that sort of takes a big thing. Working on. Mhmm. Is is it also about, about to lose control. Mhmm.

So if you can remind yourself you don’t wanna lose control, you’ve got to keep control. Am I making sense? Or No. Do it again. It can be me.

Become angry Yeah. You can lose control. Well, you can lose control of your emotions. So in some sense, can you remind yourself not to go into anger because then you lose control? Can you can you pull yourself up?

Yeah. But is that forgiveness? No. No. So that’s more trying to be patient in the moment.

You can do that. So are you saying that Sorry? Forget it. So are you saying that if we hold on to we feel victim of the situation? Yeah.

Is that true? Yeah. Think so. And when we are victims, what do we do? Where is the blame?

We blame, can even blame ourselves. Know, forgiveness can also be a relationship to ourselves. So the finger goes out. It’s hard to put that finger inherently and say, What can I do with this? When you point the finger, how many points do think?

Yes. How can we do that, stop blaming? Is that the first step in forgiving? That we stop blaming the other person? Or does that come after forgiving?

What is easier? That come first? Why? Because until you stop blaming the other person, you can’t forgive them. Have to take the blame away.

Mhmm. Take the blame out of the situation. So it’s forgiving something that we do that we need the other person for? We take more responsibility. Yeah.

We need to reflect On? Look at ourselves. Yeah. So you you stop pointing out there and you take it inside. And you start looking at yourself.

You take responsibility for your own part in the situation. And then you let go whatever happened. In theory. But when you’re a child, well, if you’re a three year old child, you’re supposed to take responsibility for your part in them. Sorry, but I disagree that a three year old’s got any choice but to be in some situation.

So how are a three year memory of being bashed in the head by its parents. How what do you mean it’s analysing? It grows up as an adult and it’s got a grudge against the parent and bashed it in the head. How’s it supposed to go, okay. Let me take responsibility for my action in it.

What action? It’s three. Well Well, it’s three and then then it’s an adult. So, I mean, I’m just saying, you know, what I’m saying that a three year old child doesn’t necessarily think too much about it. It’s only when we get older, they start thinking.

So maybe the responsibility there is about becoming an adult and saying, I’m gonna make change happen for me. I’m gonna be different to that. So it’s about taking responsibility. That happened to me, but I’m gonna be different to that. And because a child, as you say, a child can’t can’t respond to that.

Yeah. I think I think Mia’s point is really Yeah, I get a little bit of conflict with my Buddhist background. What is the difference? Yeah. But if you look into the world that many many adults also do not have the power to change the situation in exactly the same way.

I’m just going to challenge you, right? I see many adults who think and behave like three year olds and they have no skills to deal with the situation in another way than being the victim and blaming others. And although they’re intelligent people and you would think that if they would just think and come here and listen they could do it, but somehow it doesn’t happen. I guess there’s a part of me wanting to advocate for the three year old child. Yes.

And I guess that’s what you’re hearing and perhaps that is a culturally based No, no, no. On my part. But I, anyway, but it’s good to me to it up for exploring. Yes. And, you know, although the guidelines do not talk about karma, you know, I I to take responsibility for the three year old having been there.

If you I would split it into two, you know. One is in this life, in this life, just this life, the three year old coming in a situation where there is violence is not responsible for the violence. It’s not to blame for the violence that happened. It’s in that sense the victim and it was not right what happened. But if you look into and this is the Buddhist part that Buddhist believes in reincarnation and in karma, which means that there were causes and conditions that made that you were there and these causes and conditions are coming from your own mind.

And then the fact that it happens to you, if you think about karma then it’s something that comes back to you. So there there is a responsibility. Yeah, and this is what So first you have to do the healing on for the child in this life. Where you are the victim, where you’re not to blame, where you have experienced all that, where there is somebody who, you know, maybe you need somebody who helps you to do that or you create your own inner parent who can do that. But I feel if you stop there you miss an opportunity to get more into your own power.

And if you see that in the big picture you can find peace with many violent situations that are happening all over the world and maybe also in your own life. Because violence is always very difficult to understand and I think anybody who is a victim of violence is a victim in your sense. People in Afghanistan who get killed by the bombs, they are all victims. You cannot say, well you’re an adult, you have a choice, you know. Many, many people have no choice in this world.

Most people have no choice. It would be hard for one of those who lost all their limbs to sit there and take the blame out of the situation, wouldn’t it? Like I know. And that’s a very, very hard and painful thing to do. It’s very, very hard and painful.

It’s worse to carry around the anger forever. But if you so so you have to make a very big perspective. And I don’t mean anger. I just mean, I mean, even if you came to peace with it, still in your mind, someone else carries that blame regardless, isn’t it? It’s not like Well, somebody else who has who has caused that, they will take their karma with them and they will experience the same kind of thing in other lifetimes.

If if you go to the to the east where people just think about karma. If you go to Tibet, right, where where people have has have suffered unbelievable torture, killing, you know, everything is taken away from them. Their language, their culture, everything is just gone, right? These people smile and they say, just karma. In their heart, it’s no grudge towards the Chinese and we think, oh, how can I do that?

You know? But they have they are so used to think in that way that that is natural for them. And if if you look at that culture and you and they think in this way, they have no grudges. They do not know how to hold grudges. We don’t know how to let them go.

They don’t know how to hold them. Yeah. And that depends on how you have trained your mind, how we think. And if you think in a certain way that let’s go, let go, let go, let go, we can all train the mind to become like that. But what is blocking us is our mind that says, yeah, but you can’t do that.

And that is really not fair. And that is not true. And that is not, you know. We are we are constantly arguing with, you know, if we could really let go, that would be such a relief. And then we have this arguing voice that says, no.

No. No. But I can’t do that. I can’t do that. Can’t do that.

If we could let go, we would be very, very happy. And it is our own thinking that stops us from doing that. So whether you’re three or whether you’re fifty three, if you’re evicted, you still have to learn to forgive before you’ve been truly I think so. I think so. I think you have to let go of all your grudges.

That is the real happiness. As soon as long as you haven’t forgiven, there is still there is still something holding on to. But in in saying that it’s just karma, where’s the level and where where does it become just avoidance that you just don’t wanna deal with? So where where where is it? You can just say, well, you know, it’s just karma.

I’ll just sit here and and I’ll just I’ll just wait it out until the karma goes away, or or how did where does where does avoidance come into it? What is avoidance? What is avoidance? Epiphany. Well, you know, like, say, if you’re in Tibet and you sort of go, well, you know, the Chinese have just taken away all my sheep and and shot them.

And you just sit there and go, oh, well, it’s just calmer. I’ll just I’ll just put up with it. You know, where where’s the where’s the proactive you know, I suppose, where do you sort of draw the line from action? Where, I suppose, I’m trying to say is you could just say it’s just karma. So if you say is karma, what do you stop in your own mind?

Well, you just disassociate from the actual No, you don’t disassociate. Don’t disassociate. Stay in the present. I think you can though. I think we can.

If if it’s You accepted it. We accepted it, but you can accept, you know, you can accept a lot of things and just let them go by. Mhmm. That might be wrong. Right?

So you have to you have to have you have to have a level of acceptance. We have So if I hit you accountability If I hit you, is your reaction? Normally. I think it’s wise not to retaliate. No, not what is wise.

What is your first reaction when you do not know anything? The emotion comes, right? You get angry. I get angry. Yeah.

So if I say it’s just karma, what does that do? That thought, what does that do? Does it stop your reaction? Well, does. It puts me back in a place and I go, Okay, maybe I just, I deserve that.

It’s not deserving. Deserving feels like a blame thing, you know? If you say, It’s my karma, it’s like you throw the ball against the wall and the ball is just coming back. Oh, there is some karma. Then, you know, there’s no so But if you know that the ball is gonna hit you in the face, why would you throw the ball again?

Oh, sometimes you throw it and sometimes, you know, sometimes stuff happens and you’re not sure. You know? Somebody says, well, the ball hit you in the face because you threw it against the wall. Do you do that again then? Or do you say, oh, better don’t throw the ball against the wall because it’s gonna hit me in my face?

You learn from Like, for instance, know, why were you throwing the ball against the wall in the first place? Because you were angry and you wanted to get rid of the anger. So you throw the ball against the wall and the ball hits you, comes back to you. And then you get more angry at the ball and you throw it again at the wall and the ball hits you and you get more angry, that is how we behave all the time. Right?

Forgiving means means that you throw the ball against the wall, it hits you, and you say, oh, that’s karma. That’s just the ball coming back. Forgiving, you know? But then you’re not sitting there and do it again. What you’re doing is say, I don’t do this again anymore.

That is your action. You stop doing it. So karma, saying it is karma, doesn’t mean that you’re not doing anything. It means that you karma means that you accept it so that you don’t react with your disturbing emotions, so that you don’t react with anger, so that you don’t even have to forgive, you know, or you forgive straight away. And then karma means that you think what I must have created causes for this.

Something is coming back to me. I have to make sure that I do not repeat the same kind of thing. Okay. I suppose I’m gonna say one other thing. You hear me?

Yeah. I did. I have a special relationship with Philip. He has always a but. And I always and no matter how many things I say, there’s always something else that comes.

One other thing. But not more. Yep. Yeah. No more.

Before you throw the ball, if your intention was that it was gonna be and, you know, that you’re angry and you wanted to release frustration, then, of course, you’re gonna face the the consequences of such a of of throwing it hard and angry and then it’s going to bounce back at you. But not the action of throwing the ball was a negative one. It was the intention before that it was damaging the quality. So that’s all I wanted to say. So you say you can keep on hitting the the ball against the wall as long as you don’t do it with anger.

Yes. Yes. So he so he’s just saying that if he slaps you back with love, then it’s okay. That’s what he just said. But what you know, I don’t understand.

Would so the ball is just an example. Right? The ball is just an example. Yeah. Don’t take that out of perspective.

You’re a smart boy, Philip. You’re yeah. A smart yeah. You’re just saying. You’re a smart boy.

No. I’m just saying that. You have to listen to the intention that is behind the words. Right? So forgiveness is about that helps to stop our reaction that we had onto something that we experience.

So I experience something very unpleasant. Normally I react to that with agitation and then I can get angry and then I can go through a whole arsenal of emotions. And then it’s not effective. So I still feel that there is something and then I hold on to that. That, you know, what we’re trying to do is let that go.

Let that reaction go. That is forgiveness. And you say, isn’t thinking about karma helps us to forgive, helps us to let go, helps us not to hold on to. Let me talk. If you let go of your reaction that doesn’t mean you’re not active, that you give up your action.

You actually create space in your mind where you can use your wisdom and where you can act skillfully to prevent the same thing happening again in the future. Right? So saying it is just karma is a way to stop your delusions. It’s not a way to take your power away. It is a way to give yourself the power to have a clear mind and to make wise decisions.

Okay? So we need to be careful not to confuse. It’s just karma without affecting you? No. They’re two different things.

It’s completely different things. karma means it’s an action. karma means realizing that comes from something. Things are not coming out of nowhere. You know, to us it appears like that.

Oh, where did this car come from? It hits my car. Where did it come from? Out of nowhere. I’m a good person.

Why does this happen to me? It seems to come out of nowhere. But if we understand that it does come from somewhere and that we do create the causes for that, we have the tool how to stop these things from happening to us. Right? So if somebody has treated me really badly as a child and I can think as an adult karma and where it comes from.

I can look into my own mind and see maybe that I do have the same tendencies to do exactly the same as that these people have done to me. It’s just that in this life I was in a situation to experience that as a very little child and because of that I make a very strong determination that I’m never going to become like that. But my mind can still work in that way, that it could become like that if I hadn’t had that experience as a child for instance. So you might actually have the same kind of anger in your mind that your mom or dad had towards you when you were little. You just do not express it.

You keep it inside. So if you’re going to see that child and the reaction of the parent and you are going to see your own reaction to that, your own anger towards that, your own holding on to that, that has to do with anger and hurt. That also has the potential to do exactly the same. If the conditions arise that is like a bomb that you hold into your mind. And if you start seeing that then maybe you can start releasing and saying is normally you build it up as a protection, you know, protect yourself from more hurt.

But that also is like a predisposition for doing hurt when the right conditions appear. So if you can see that then maybe you can start learning to let go and find safety in another way. You know, not behind a wall of anger but you know the best protection against hurt is actually compassion. Compassion for yourself and compassion for others. Compassion is like a big cloud that is between you and the other person.

And when harm comes, it just bounces. You know? It cannot penetrate. But if you have anger and you have a wall, the wall is like a rigidity. And that is so you know, although it might take a while before it hurts, the moment the hurt starts to hit you, it breaks very easily.

And then it hurts you very, very deeply. You know? And then the only way that you have is to build up another wall, a bigger wall. Can you see that? So with the situation in Tibet then Let’s not talk about the band, let’s talk about you.

Well it’s just because they’re so what’s the word? Letting go? No. Not I just want to try and understand their mindset back to me. They’re believing that something for whatever reason has caused this, it’s karma.

And for them not to go through this again, they let go. How does the situation change for them? What changes is that they are happy, and they do not experience the unhappiness of holding onto. So it’s not about right or wrong, and it’s not about the Chinese are doing something, you know, I agree with what the Chinese are doing or not. And it’s it’s not about I’ll accept the situation as it is.

You know, they keep on striving for a free Tibet. They keep on striving that the Chinese are not there. But if the situation is very overpowering, you can’t do anything. So then you have a choice between either suffering from the oppression or you can find the freedom so that you can be happy no matter what the situations are. To set the situation or learn to let go does not mean that you can’t work towards changing it.

No. Absolutely not. It’s actually it gives you better tools to work towards changing it. Can everybody see that? One second, Michael.

Yep. You agree with me? Are you are you looking at me? Yep. Well, I mean, we’re looking at this from two cultural perspectives here.

You know, like, we’ve we’ve got our you know, for for some of us, it’s it’s actually a social justice issue, and we feel that we need to make it right. You know, like, in our country, we would say, right. This is a social justice issue. We’ve got the legal systems to change it. But it was in our country.

But as you said, what could a handful of Tibetans do with a country like China? But it’s it’s not about it’s not about what But I but I am hearing the Buddhist position of accepting and allowing a wiser response to grow. If if you would go for social social justice, you can do that with a mind that fights and gets upset with any injustice that happens or you can do that with a mind that that knows it is wrong, that wants these people to be free and be happy, but that doesn’t get personally upset with the situation, that has patience with the situation, that understands the big picture, that we’re all interconnected. So I’m talking about the mindset that you can generate. Mindset as well.

No. It’s not a culture. No. That is what I’m trying to say. It’s not mind is not cultural.

The way we think is cultural. The we think has an influence on how we feel. Right? True? The way we think about things determines how we feel.

It’s an interrelated thing, I would say. It’s an interrelated thing. Okay. I’ll go with that. So if we want to be happy, and that’s what we’re trying to be, how how can we be happy with our life, with what is happening in our life, in the world, how can we be happy?

Then certain ways of thinking helps us to be more happy than other ways of thinking. And some cultures have developed certain ways of thinking that obviously make it easier to live through such hard circumstances than other cultures. You know? If you go to other cultures then as soon as so there was a little bit of violence everybody gets angry. You know?

There was a lot of unhappiness and agitation there. So for us, it’s like, okay. If you wanna be happy, we can maybe learn from other cultures. How do they think? There is no think yeah.

Yep. I wanna take you on a journey that was not intended tonight. You know? I don’t mind if you don’t ask me any questions. You know?

Like, I’m only just coming in to enjoy the night. Yeah. Yeah. That’s good. Well, you’re part of here, you know, so you do.

And whatever you’re saying, you know, that might be also be in the mind of others. I haven’t, you know, I haven’t been part of the process of coming to this point. You’ve been together for a few sessions. Been together for a few sessions. Yes.

Some people are new here tonight. Yes. So I Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Kate.

Something keeps popping to my mind is, you know, I do energy work, and I know that, you know, we have x amount of energy in each of us, units a day, so we have a hundred whatever. And what we put our energy into takes from what we can put our energy into. Mhmm. Put our energy into regret or Yep. Victimhood, anger, experience but are they easier to Once you can redirect your mind.

But is it easier to go to these states of mind? It’s not easy to get there, but I’m just like once a day I’m thinking. Yeah. Then it’s like, oh, why do why did I do that? Why did I make it so difficult for myself?

Yeah. True? Mhmm. So the trigger is how we can change that mind so that we make it easier for ourselves and so that we have more energy to use for things that we find meaningful, maybe. I find it easier to forgive people that make me angry or have done something wrong by me than to think of them with compassion and think that perhaps they had that done to them as a child or I guess the person that most makes me angry in my life is my dad.

But when I think of him I don’t actually get angry because I think that the things that have made me angry over the years that he’s done to me perhaps he didn’t really know any better and he had it done to him as a child. So maybe that’s I think of him, I feel sorry for him and I have compassion for him and that helps me let go of the anger. I just don’t feel the anger when I think about those things. I haven’t forgotten them, the things that made me angry, but I don’t feel that anger in here when I think about them. I don’t think, oh god, why did he do that?

That was so unfair. But it’s somewhere still in your system. Pardon? It’s somewhere still in your system. Forgotten because I I remember that I had to work through that.

Mhmm. And there were times that I was angry about or thought that it was unjust. Mhmm. But when I think about him with compassion and love, and I do still love him, then it’s don’t I don’t get angry anymore about it. That’s good.

And sometimes even if you don’t know that that’s happened to them, someone’s done something to you as a child, for example, even if you don’t know what their childhood was like, even if you could maybe say, well at some stage someone has treated that person badly and that’s why they’ve gone on to treat me badly and so they were a child at one stage. That person was the perpetrator, whether it’s a rapist, whether it’s someone that bashed someone, at some stage in their life, it’s very highly likely that they’ve had something horrible done to them and that they’ve learnt that that’s the way to treat the world. And that makes me cultivate compassion for that person. I do think that that’s the way people that have had some atrocity done to them forgive. Because there’s bigger things than what my father did to me have happened.

Some people’s fathers killed their children, know, shoot their three children and their mother in front of them. But at some stage, those people can still come to the business. Do you ever think I must have done the same? Yeah I do, because I know that I’ve got anger in me as well. So I must have done the same in a similar situation?

Yeah. And like you said, when you said before, the things we often see in other people that make us angry often I could very well go on to be that sort of person, because I have anger too. But I stop myself and say you’re sounding like your father or you know, sometimes words come out and I get angry and I go to say something to my child and I think oh that’s putting them down. Same as my dad. Same as what my dad did to But because I was caught up with that, it very easily to repeat those things, you’ve got to make a real conscious effort not to and learn from And so in some ways I’m kind of grateful that those bad things have happened to me in my life, whether it’s that or other things, have happened because it’s made me be more aware of what I could be and stopping before I get So yeah, I’m grateful for those lessons.

Good. From what happened to Jesus Christ, is that his karma coming back to him? Happened Is karma coming Woah. They’re going out there to sinner now. You know, if I can only say what Tibetan because Jesus I think Jesus did talk about karma but I took that out of the Bible.

So I’m not completely clear about all that. But if you hear Tibetan lamas, know, sometimes they get cancer at the end of their life and they suffer a lot or they have the appearance of suffering and they are very clear, you know, it’s my own negative karma coming back to me. Lama Zopa Rinpoche had when he was young he had TB and he and because of that he still has a cough and he still has, you know, some health issues. And he’s like, that’s my karma. And he has suffered for many, many years of diabetes.

And, you know, he says, I must have been very attached to sweets in my previous life that you know, because there is still the tendency somehow. Yeah. What happened in the Christian belief with Jesus, if you want to look at it, is he suffered that for our kind of protection before? No, no, no. I’m not saying to people, I’m just saying that the Catholic belief Well what they say?

That because of beautiful sins on earth. And he did that out of compassion to save earth apparently. So that’s their stance on it. You want to know my stance on it? Sure, come on.

I think Jesus knows about Buddhism. Knew about Buddhism. What we say in Buddhism is that if you experience great suffering, for instance you’re going to die, that you experience that on behalf of everybody. And that by you experiencing that, that the world might be free of all suffering. You know?

So you say similar kind of things, but these are techniques that help you to go to the forgiving mind, to let go completely, to not build up any grudges. That is a very wise, clever mind that does that. Right? But then if you say as a Christian, Oh well, Jesus did already all that. We don’t have to do that.

You know, you miss the point. I think you miss an opportunity. You miss an opportunity to work really with your own mind. But they do say that. But I think it’s coming from a technique to work with your own disturbing emotions.

Some people say that, yeah. Who knows? Knows? Let’s go back to forgiveness. So do we know people who are very good at forgiving?

Do we know anybody in our own life? Think about it. Sometimes there are people who seem to know, Even if people hurt, even if people say awful things, seem to just let it go. You know somebody like that in your life? What is it that they have?

What is it that they do? Doesn’t penetrate them as far as for starters. Uh-huh. Mean, my husband’s like that. He can say things or people can say things to him.

Doesn’t go so deep in him. Doesn’t hit him so deep and therefore it’s easier to relate. So how does he do that that things don’t get in? What do you think? Is that not being interested or is that actually like a compassion?

What is that? If I knew I wouldn’t be so everything with Hiprian! What? I said if I knew how he did that I would probably know how to stop everything from hurting me so much. Is that accepting things Well, don’t know.

It’s it’s it’s well, that is what he does. But I wanna I wanna see if you can see me. I can see what qualities that her husband has that help him to do that. Because if we know the qualities that can help us we can maybe try to develop them. Well he’s for someone who’s never even looked at Buddhism or anything like, he’s pretty wise when it comes to if I’m hurt about something, he’s like, Well you’re the one that’s allowing yourself to be hurt.

You can just let it go and it won’t hurt you anymore. I’m like, Well that’s easy to say but they’ve hurt me. Did you ever say, How do you let go? How do you do that? Because he says that it’s easy for him to let go for things that aren’t it’s different if I was to do something to him but if a friend or a brother or a sister or someone that he doesn’t hold right in there, says, If I was to say the thing that I they’re not so close to him?

Is that what he’s saying? Sort of, yeah. He doesn’t hold them if they said something, it’s easy to brush off and go, If I said the same thing it may hurt. I’m not saying he doesn’t love them or that he’s not close. So does he have more attachment to you?

He builds up walls more with other people whereas you let other people get close to you. Ross doesn’t. He builds up Does he build up walls or does he build up something else? He just stands back a bit whereas you’re more That’s something else, So these are all different techniques that we try, but it’s very, very different if you step back or if you build walls. True?

Yeah. What is the difference? A lack of attachment. Yeah. What is the lack of attachment?

Well, does he have a lack of attachment to more people than you do? Well, we already figured out in the group about attachment issues. So you can build walls or you can step back? What’s the difference? Where is this coming from?

What emotions? What emotion is behind? Attachment or anger? When do we build walls? When we are attached or when we are frightened.

Afraid? So there’s fear here. They’re angry. They frightened. Anger, it’s like a defense.

Memory? Memory for? Like fear and anger? Yeah. So this can be in the future and or this can be in the past or in the present, isn’t it?

Normally this is built on memories already. Stepping back, where is that based on? It’s based on knowing when you can change something and when you can’t. Uh-huh. So wisdom.

A clear wisdom to your That sounds very wise. Wisdom. Big difference, So how do we get that? So how do we connect with the wisdom? Well I teach a little mantra that says wait, watch and wonder.

Wait, watch and wonder. The entrance to the next website. Wait, Watch and Wonder. Thank you. I thought there are so many ways to write that.

There you go. Is that enough? So is that being mindful? Sounds like it. Well, it’s the step before mindfulness clicks in.

You need to get that before the mind you’ve gotta do a step back and do a take So if you’re in the moment, sorry? It’s a bit like an assessment of the situation and you assess it. Is actually happening? On how you assess it, one way is to then jump in with anger, hurt and annoying, and that takes you into one tangent, how you’re going to react to the whole thing. And the other assessment is, it may be, Okay, this has happened.

I don’t like it. I don’t agree with it, but it’s happened. Nothing I can do about that. So I’ve to let go of the anger, let go of the hurt and move on. But then you say you already hurt and then you have two options: either you react emotionally or you react.

No, within your assessment you decide whether or not you’re going to let it hurt you too much or whether you’re going to move on. Yeah, but there is already a hurt. Obviously because something has happened that you may not like, but for some people it’s sort of momentary the hurt. And then, ‘Okay, that’s happened and I like it, it’s going to So if this comes in, do we is there any time to think about that? Or do I get angry about this or not?

Or I be afraid about this or not or is that something that comes instinctively? It’s a bit of an instinct thing because like I said he’s never done any work on himself so he can’t just do all I’m talking about this. Has to come instinctively for him not to have those reactions. I think it’s a practice because he hasn’t done any work formally, it doesn’t mean he hasn’t done any work. Uh-huh, thank you, honey.

Let’s swap. That’s good, that’s very good. Did you hear what you said? So we have habits, isn’t it? There are people who react very easily from anger and then there are people they seem just to react naturally from stepping back.

And we think: Oh, how did they do that? And they might not even remember that they did it, they might not even think it’s special, they might actually even be born with that quality. But I think think there is a habit in this and we are habituated to something. And he will look at people who do this, why are they doing that? They can’t just do like this and this and this and then nothing will hurt.

And we, from our point of view, think: Oh, how do they do that? It seems that nothing really deeply hurts them and if it does then they very easily, you know. So when his attachment is in there then the anger very easily comes, right? But when there is a lot of wisdom that means wisdom counteracts your attachment. Wisdom counteracts all the emotions.

And sometimes it’s easier to have that wisdom when people are a little bit further away from you and it’s very hard when people are very close to you because you’re emotionally so involved in the situation. And and fear in people’s lives and the walls are built up because of that whereas if they were able to really see and dig deep enough they realise that they have a lot of emotional pain from grief and loss. Mhmm. Lack of And you see fear as a reaction to that and anger as a reaction to that. Mhmm.

I do. Yeah. Yeah. Not not all the time, but quite often. I wanted to do an exercise with you, but it will be good if we have paper.

And we don’t all have papers, do we? Not everybody has a paper. Maybe we try to do it without writing it down, but just giving you some space to think about it. Yeah. It’s like in the form of a meditation.

So we’re gonna talk about we’re gonna think about somebody that we haven’t forgiven yet. Right? So but I’m I’m gonna ask you not to take the most difficult person in your life. Take something that is a little bit light. Right?

So that we can really change it tonight and that you don’t go completely into your deepest pain. Alright? If you want to, you can do it. You know? But if you feel comfortable doing that, that’s fine.

But but if you haven’t done this work before, just do something that is not too difficult. So just sit comfortable and close your eyes. And maybe first, make sure that you feel relaxed and at ease. And you can do that by just connecting with your body, being aware of your body sitting, being aware of the rhythm of your breath. And somehow you make an agreement with yourself that what we’re gonna do now, that you’re only gonna do it in a way that it is safe for you.

So think about a situation that you haven’t completely digested. And again, don’t take the biggest issue. Think about the person involved in the situation and that you write him or her a letter expressing your grief, your hurt, your anger, or your feelings around the issue. So you can imagine that you do write that letter and what you want to write. And make sure that you write everything down.

Give yourself the time and space until you feel that you have said everything that needs to be said. And when you’re finished, imagine that you write another letter, but this time from his or her perspective. So step into their life, see the situation through their eyes. And then imagine that you write it down. What are the words that you’re using?

What is the story line? And keep on looking through the eyes. Seeing it from their perspective, does that change anything in your experience, in your view of the situation and your feelings about the situation? Then when you’ve seen everything that you needed to see and You come back to your body and open your eyes. Does that change the situation?

How we view the situation? How we feel about it? Hopefully. Hopefully. Did you feel it?

Yes. Yeah. But I only chose a very small subject. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You but as soon as you start looking through the other person’s eyes Yes. You see something different than when you look through your own eyes? And does that help to balance your own reaction a little bit? Mhmm.

Yeah. Good. So then when you feel safe, you can just, you know, do that for bigger things in your own environment and, you know, make sure that you just do as much as you can and feel happy with. How are we with forgiving ourselves? Are we good in that or not?

Giving ourselves up sometimes, I’m sure. Uh-huh. Anger towards ourselves, blaming ourselves for what happens. Those voices in your head. Mhmm.

They can be strong. So what do we do with them? How can we let them go? Maybe first how we can forgive the voices in our head, but then how can we let them go? Where are they coming from?

Sorry? From the consciousness? But who is a role model for these voices? Were we born with them or did somebody showed us how to do Mhmm. But sometimes you don’t do anything wrong, but there’s this voice that tells you that you’re doing things wrong, or you beat yourself up.

Or you’re not perfect, you have maybe high expectations of yourself and you don’t live up to them and you beat yourself up. Do you think that comes from your parents? I don’t know. Can it? Could be.

We have a driven society. Mhmm. So you think that helps to create higher expectations of ourselves or expectations that we can’t live up to? And is that just the media who’s doing that or you think it’s modern day? So you feel that our parents have higher expectations than that we can live up to or that they we always need to fulfill a goal and there is not much reinforcement of who we are already.

What is that? Society? Society as a whole is like that. Like I noticed that even at work if we have a meeting, it’s always the negative things that are, we’re not doing this right, we’re not doing this, we’re not doing that, this isn’t being done properly. I think perhaps we could balance it a little bit, you’ve been doing a great job, you’ve been really under pressure.

It’s not a balanced thing, that we we tend to look at the negatives and not focus on. Mhmm. Mhmm. Is it mainly with the the doubt? Is it mainly in the workforce?

Or is it in in your own What do you thinking there must be something wrong with you. No, I think you’re perfectly right. Mhmm. Have had those feelings when you’re merit and stuff like that. But I think you’ve grown wiser and come to a good place.

Then you don’t. That’s it. How did you do that? Wise daughter to this. Who tells you that?

I don’t know. I think it comes from not judging other people or yourself. So you’re saying that the less you judge, the less you have to forgive yourself? Or the easier you forgive yourself? And others.

And others. So judgment has a lot to do with anger, isn’t it? As soon as we start judging, we easily come to I’m not good enough and then the anger is there. Anger and discontent. Because it’s not always anger, but you know if you judge somebody you don’t necessarily get angry with them because not giving them Sometimes it’s just disappointment or discontentment.

Yeah, but there is an aversion. And aversion is like the fuel of, you know, if we build up our aversion then anger comes easily from that. So that’s why I asked the question, as a generalisation, is the inadequacy of being not happy with yourself or whatever, does that come mainly from the workforce these days? No, don’t think so. I think it’s a it’s in a whole I think it’s it’s it’s part of life in general.

You know, if if you look at how what what we experience in the mind, then we all have a lot of need and a lot of desire and a lot of the way our whole society functions is all about more, more, more, more, more and better and higher and there was a lot of competition and our whole society somehow we build it up in a way that it triggers our desire more and more, so our disturbing emotions more and more. And that leads to feelings of never having enough dissatisfaction, stress. If you go to cultures where they’re really focused on happiness and that everybody can we open the door or close the door? That we that are focused on happiness and not on getting what you want, but just being happy with what you have. These societies, they do not have all that this trouble that we have in the same way.

But it is part of our mind, you know. Are we just stimulating a part of the mind that makes us unhappy? Obviously as you get older that dissipates a little bit. Depends what you do with your life. So you can use your life to learn about these disturbing emotions and then to change them into more healthy ways of thinking and living.

Or there are many people who never ever think that they’re doing anything wrong with that and they get completely caught up in these ideas and emotions and that’s how they die. Do you think that people who feel adequate about themselves apologize for their behaviour behaviour in any way or what they can and can’t do or are they just happy to accept who they are? Say that again? You’re making some big People who are satisfied with themselves apologize for their behavior or for what they can and can’t do in certain situations or do you think that they just accept everything? Do you know what I’m trying to say?

Can you give me an example? No. Do you mean because they because they are happy and they don’t have any negative emotions towards themselves that they I can imagine that if I feel happy with myself and with what I can do and you come in and you have a certain need and I can see that I cannot fulfill that need, you know, then I can say But I would apologize because I would like to be able to give you something and I cannot do that. So I would say I’m so sorry that I cannot do that. But not because I’ve done something wrong, but because I acknowledge that you do have that need and I do not have the capacity to help you with that.

But that’s not, you know, but it’s not saying there is something wrong. That’s just acknowledging the situation. So how would that person give me a situation that would help me? Can you give an example of a situation that would clarify that for me? That hurt or how he felt.

And he just said, oh, well, you’ve got the problem or the weird one, and he just went on his merry way regardless. Mhmm. You know? That would be a narcissistic type person that Yeah. I was I was thinking more of someone we were talking about desires, so it wasn’t really behavior.

It was someone, say, a poor person on the street who doesn’t have a house, but is quite happy to live in a box. But one day we meet and they come along to my house because they can’t bring any food to the table, should they feel they have to apologize for that or are they happy with the fact that they live in a box and I’ve invited them to share a meal with me? Do you understand? You have invited them? If I’ve invited them for a meal with me and they’re happy to live in a box and no desire to be out of that box, then why would they apologize for coming along and not being able to bring some bread to the table?

Oh, for instance, you have spoken about dessert and somehow assumed that they would bring dessert and they didn’t have any money to do so, so they come and they realized, Oh, she actually expected me to bring dessert. I didn’t expect anything from them. Uh-huh, no. They need to for who they No, don’t think so. Because that’s self doubt, isn’t it?

I do that all the time. Apologize for stuff So if we would have more realistic expectations, would that help with forgiveness? How? Because you wouldn’t, at first sight, you wouldn’t be disappointed, would you? If your expectations weren’t so high, then your disappointment level would never be so high.

So you’d be more realistic about what life has and what people can give you and what you should and shouldn’t expect. So could you say that if we feel really hurt by somebody that we might have had expectations that that other person couldn’t live up to? I’ll just turn around. That true? So for instance, a child can expect the parents to be a safe place but not all parents can give a safe place but somehow the child keeps on expecting that that is what happens at home.

That’s expectation for a child to be protected. And as the child grew, it gradually come to the realization that that’s not going to happen. Yes, it could come, but it’s But not until it had enough wisdom to make that decision. And then that child could very well be happy with those parents who never gave her what they expected because if it came to a decision in its own mind, well my mom did the best she could and I was really expecting more than she had to give, kind of. But it isn’t natural, it is like we are born with that expectation almost, isn’t it?

It’s like very deep deeply ingrained, that is what we expect. So then when it is not there, it is more difficult to let go of that expectation than it is with with, you know, a stranger that does something or, you know, an enemy that does something. Right? So it is harder to let go of these expectations. It’s harder to forgive somebody that is really close to you.

If they hurt you deeply, that is harder because you do have these expectations from those that are close to you. But as a little child, you need to have that attachment in order to Okay. Yep. Yep. And some of the reasons why.

Are we saying then that really we shouldn’t have such an attachment to somebody? Well Or we separate the attachment to the expectation? Does one necessarily lead to the other? I think there is a connection. I think attachment helps us to disconnect from reality reality and so does expectations that we build up.

So the more we disconnect from reality, the more the expectations are disconnected from reality. So the more attachment, I think the more expectations you can build up. One second, yeah. And all that attachment when you’ve got twelve and that is two that you’re in more trouble? That you’re in more trouble?

I don’t think, I don’t know. Just that there’s that much more attachment, isn’t there? So there’s that much more reason not to be realistic. I don’t know if you have one child and you have a certain attachment, that if you have twelve that you have, you know, twelve times more attachment. I don’t know if it works like that.

Or that you put all your attachment on one child and then you divide it. I’m not sure. Don’t think anyone’s sure. Kelly? So if I say high expectations, is that different from unrealistic expectations?

So I expect there was a child and the child has an abusive father, but a child expects the father to protect her. Or if the father can’t do it, at least the mother, and that’s not happening. And the child expects that every day and every day it’s not happening. That isn’t unrealistic, although it is natural to have that expectation. In this situation it’s not realistic to think that these parents can give that.

Not lower, make it more realistic. How does one do that? Well, saying this mother cannot protect me. Probably the child as it got older would be able to work first place, the nature part of the child, or nurture, you know, what it learned growing up. And that’s different for everybody, so it could be a good thing because they may grow up to be quite some person or they may not.

Yeah. And it it affects them. They can go both ways. I’ll there is I have a little quote here. Maybe I’ll read that because is saying a little bit the same as you.

And it is something that was and I’ll come back to you, okay? That’s something that was written in Ravensbruck in a concentration camp in in Germany. And it says: O Lord, remember not only the men and women of goodwill, but all those of ill will. But do not remember all the suffering they have inflicted upon us. Remember the fruits we have brought thanks to this suffering.

Our comradeship, our loyalty, our humility, our courage, our generosity. This greatness of heart which has grown out of all this. And when they come to judgment, let all the fruits we have borne be their forgiveness. That’s very So that is, you know, the hardest circumstances in life, they can also challenge us to bring the best in us to surface, to let us best on us surface and generate very, very good qualities because we went through that suffering. Isn’t it?

And in that sense, you know, if you talk about expectations, you can say, expectations, you can say you can keep on improving yourself, you can keep on improving your skill of forgiveness, you can train yourself in that and you can put your bar higher and higher and higher. But if you say: ‘Okay, this person punched me and now I have to forgive them’, but you actually can’t, then that is unrealistic. But you can say: ‘I want to try to learn that and in order to do that I do this and this and this and you make it better and better and better and better. Can you see the difference between So it is okay to put your bar higher and higher but you have to be realistic in how you do it in the moment. Forgiveness is I thought it was me, but it wasn’t.

That’s just the last thing I’m going to tell you and then I will finish with the meditation. If you see animals, how they forgive, you know. When we have gone through something that we cannot forget or haven’t digested that properly or you know many times that has to do with that our fear is triggered, maybe we have deep grief, our anger is triggered and we somehow keep these memories in our body and we hold on to them. And then we don’t know how to let it go. Right?

That’s difficult. How do we let go? So we hold on to that. So if you look at animals, how they do that. Have you ever seen that?

Yeah. Just watched them. What did they do? They made the other one suffer. How?

They’re not Buddhist? They’re was called the Monkeys of the Sea, they’re a monkey in Africa, there’s this whole big thing on the national, and she was upset whatever this monkey did to the hierarchy, the biggest one’s name was, she took a chunk out of her lip and she kept going at it until she decided that she’d learnt her lesson and then she let it go. She had to either take it or face being outcast. So what if you see for instance a tiger running after an animal to eat it? You know, they go after the herd and then they take one out of them.

So then you can see the animal running away and sometimes the animal makes it, isn’t it? So the moment they run away there is lot of fear and a lot of angst and then they stop. Then what do they do? Shake. They shake it off.

And when they shake it off they get rid of everything. All the memories, all the things that I hold on to. That’s their letting go, they shake it off. So we should all be shaking? Well I don’t know, one person once told me, you should shake?

He said, you should shake? I thought, what is he talking about? Babies know how to do it? The Moro reflex. When they do this.

It’s not true. I work with babies. They do not know most of the it depends how deep they are hurt. But if they really had a trauma where they had to fight for their life and it took long, they sometimes do not know how to let go and they can live their trauma their whole life. Children do much easier, forgive much easier.

Like if you do something Yeah, children are very good know, that’s like you’re a parent so you’re their lifeline. If they don’t forgive you, who’s going be there to look after them? It might be harder for them to forgive their friends at school, I don’t know. Maybe it comes down to personality. Part is personality.

I think the younger, you know, in personal relationships children are easy and forgiving, but if life is really in danger then it can be very difficult to let go also for them. But we can generalize. Yeah. Every child is different. You wanna do meditation?

Yep. Is everybody happy? Not too much stirred up? Okay. So make sure that you sit comfortable.

Focus on your body. Focus on your breath. And let go of any thoughts, images or feelings that arise. And whenever you become distracted, bring your awareness gently back to the sensation of the breath going in and out. And then imagine that as you breathe in, you are an inhaling blissful light.

It is white and pure in nature. And that light represents all the positive qualities that exist in the universe. It represents all the qualities of the people you admire and all the qualities that you would like to develop within yourself. And as you breathe in this white light that represents all the qualities of the universe and those that you would like to develop in yourself, imagine it flowing throughout the whole of your body, all the way to your toes and fingertips, filling every tiny space of your body down to the cells, the atoms, and the subatomic particles. Let it fill your whole body and imagine that that light has the capacity to heal whatever anxieties, problems, pain and sicknesses you are carrying in your body and mind.

Generate a conviction that this is really happening. That this blissful clear light is actually entering your body and filling every particle of your body. Your body becomes very light, transparent, and relaxed. And then begin to imagine that dark smoke or pollution comes out of your body when you exhale. And this smoke represents all the times that you have been angry with yourself.

When you have said something that you regret or that didn’t feel right. Every time you breathe out, let this anger and pain leave your body in the form of dark smoke and watch it disappear into space. It doesn’t pollute or disturb anything, it just disappears into space. Continue doing this, imagining the white light coming in and the dark smoke going out. Let go of anything you hold onto.

Forgive yourself. And enjoy the sensation of the body and mind, becoming blissful and clean clear. Free of all problems and negativities. And then we close the meditation with a wish: May all beings be happy. And when you feel ready, can open your eyes.

Keep it coming. So last week is my last week. And we’re talk about gratitude. Yep. And then it looks like somebody might be able to take over the lessons.

So they will yes. Really? But I’ll let you know next week for sure. And maybe I’ll I’ll ask her to come next week if she is gonna do it so that you can have a chat with her. And on Saturday, we have a party.

If you like to come, I’d like you to come. To Italy. I have no idea. Until my teacher says enough. Yeah.

So that can be one and a half year, that can be seven years, I don’t know. It can be the rest of my life, I don’t know. I don’t know. Trepidation about that? What is that trepidation?

The scariness. I’m not scared. No. Not really. Apprehension.

Apprehension. I feel alright about it, you know, but there will be challenges definitely when my teacher sent me somewhere that is not to make my life easy. And so it’s a challenge, whatever, wherever you are, yeah. But that’s alright, that’s the job that I’ve taken on. I’m not going with anybody.

I’m going on my own. Who is here? Who can go with me? Know? No.

I just go on my own. And I know a few people there a little bit, but the group that I’m studying with is about fifty people, and then there will be other groups studying there. Some will be I think half as monks and nuns, and the other half as laypeople. So it’s very mixed. And the study is, I think, quite tough.

So that’s gonna be a challenge in itself. But And your language will be English. English. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I might learn some some Italian and I might learn some Tibetan and I don’t know. Yeah. I think of anything worse than being sent away for seven years myself, but it’s been great for you.

Yeah. Yeah. You look happy about it. Yeah, feel very fortunate that I can do that and I never thought, you know, when I started Buddhism, the first time I did the first course in Buddhism that I did in India, there was a poster about this program programme, it just started then, and I thought, oh, wow, fantastic, oh, imagine you can do that. But I’m not a study person, and I had, you know, I have pink glasses.

That’s to counteract a dyslexia that I have. Mhmm. So my whole life I I I cannot look at paper. It it hurts. It makes me sick.

It makes me but with these, I can, you know, and I only have them for two years. So this is the first time that I feel I actually can do this. Seven years ago, twelve years ago I thought I could never do that. Full time study, just no, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. And now I think I can.

So that’s a good thing, but it’s not going be easy at the same time. Do your glasses just make the words more transparent? No. I have a hypersensitivity for the white. Oh.

So it’s like an aversion. It’s like a pain constantly. Tell my friend about your gut. To say this, put sunglasses on while you’re looking at certain screens and tell it. She goes, you want me to go to my friend Taz and wear sunglasses to watch she wear.

Can’t you just give me a pair of glasses for that? But some people have blue and some people have yellow and some people have green and you know there was a whole everybody’s different than that. So how did you come to this who did you see to help you with that? There’s an optometrist on on this is completely out of nothing with the teachings, North Terrace. There was an optometrist, I could you, I could look up his name.

He’s the only person in Adelaide who’s doing this kind of, so you need to have some But that’s the dyslexia, isn’t it? You’re the dyslexia? Yeah. Hypersensitivity. That’s why she couldn’t study because she couldn’t look at the color of the page and stuff.

It was worth a shot. You can you can check, you know, you can see if it makes a difference and they try the glasses and which color fits and which doesn’t. And with these I had a first time that I had a liking for looking at paper. And I thought, oh, is that possible? Oh, yeah.

Go on. I could yeah. So that’s all good. You know, that’s what Adelaide Adelaide brought me. So that’s great.

No. It’s like it’s much more than that, you know. For the first time, I can not just have books in my cupboard, but actually look into them and read them. And then become a little bit more clever and then maybe become a better teacher. So thank you.

Have a good trip home.