Audio recorded at Buddha House Adelaide. Transcript auto-generated and AI-corrected; may contain errors.
About this talk. In this 46-minute talk on thought transformation, Ven Lobsang Namgyel explores the Buddhist practice of forgiveness as a daily discipline grounded in understanding pain and cultivating compassion. He begins by establishing the foundational principle: awareness of the suffering caused by holding grudges versus the peace that forgiveness brings. Through vivid stories—an old monk carrying a woman across a river, an archer shot by a poisoned arrow—he shows how we habitually amplify small hurts, carry resentment across lifetimes and relationships, and mistake blame-seeking for resolution. Central to his teaching is the recognition that anger is the antidote to love, shrinking our capacity for genuine connection. He offers practical guidance: when conflict erupts, step back rather than fuel the fire; apologize sincerely if you see your role, but without expectation of reciprocation; respond to others with compassion and genuine inquiry rather than judgment. Drawing on Henri Nouwen’s insight that forgiveness is love among those who love poorly, he concludes that this work—forgiving and being forgiven—is not a one-time achievement but an ongoing practice essential to human happiness and family healing. Pitched at practitioners seeking Buddhist methods for relationships and emotional transformation.
File metadata (for organising)
File: 45 _5.mp3
UUID: 867c7dcc-9d8e-40b1-bce9-e7c860f65bd0
Teacher: Ven Lobsang Namgyel
Collection: VenNamgyel Thought Transformation (Ven Lobsang Namgyel)
Recorded at: Buddha House Adelaide
Duration: 46.0 minutes
Words: ~6,216
Laura, when do you leave? Okay. So Hannah’s you can keep all this paper. Hannah’s organizing something. Aren’t you, Hannah?
Oh, there you are. I thought, where is she? Alright. So how can we forgive the people who hurt us? This is going back to the Essentials of Forgiveness teachings where it says exactly how we put our forgiveness into practice is a personal issue and will involve something different for each individual.
However, the starting point is nearly always to become aware of the pain that not forgiving can cause and to understand the benefits that an attitude of forgiveness will bring. Becoming aware of the pain that not forgiving can cause, understand the benefits that an attitude of forgiveness will bring. So we already talked about this, didn’t we? In that we’re talking about if we understand how much pain not forgiving gives me, why am I holding on to that pain? Why am I maintaining that pain?
Why am I continuing it? Because we say that we want happiness and not to experience suffering but actually what I’m doing to myself is creating more and more suffering. And then from that suffering state of mind, what sort of behavior will come from that is usually more resentment, more anger. So is that the sort of life that we want to have? Do we want to continue like that?
There’s a very good Buddhist story about an old monk and a young monk. They’re walking along a pathway and they come to a river. There’s a lady standing on the river, the bank of the river, she said to these two monks, Can you carry me across the river? The young monk says, Oh, no, no. I can’t do that because I’m a monk.
And the old monk says, Sure. Climb on my back. And he carries her across the river. So for a few kilometers, they’re walking along and the young monk is sort of really sulky, not speaking. And the old monk says to him, what’s wrong with you?
And he says, well you broke your vow. You shouldn’t be carrying that woman across the river. And he said, well you know, I did it out of kindness and that’s what we should do. And all I did was carry her for a few minutes and then forgot about it, but you’ve been carrying her for all this time. So you make it into a burden that you see somebody doing something you think it’s wrong and so then you carry it on your own shoulders.
That can create so much harm for yourself because from that perspective of I know better than others, you look on their behavior and then you judge their behavior and you criticize and then you carry that around in your own heart. Is that the sort of life that you want? Then also reflecting on the complex connections that exist between human beings and how everyone involved in a difficult situation is experiencing suffering of some kind. So this is important in that when we’re suffering, we think it’s only about me. But now try and think of the other people in the situation and how they’re also suffering.
I think particularly when something like divorce is happening, there’s usually somebody who feels wronged and somebody who’s supposed to be the person who’s done the wrong, but in actual fact it’s a suffering situation for everybody and particularly for the children. So you know not to get into that way of looking at the situation that I’m the one that’s been harmed but try and look at the harm that’s also happening to everybody else. Softens the heart and makes you feel more loving, more compassion. The act of forgiveness demands both kindness and wisdom from us. Someone who acts with cruelty or hatred is doing enormous harm to themselves.
With practice, it’s possible to develop a feeling of compassion towards them which will help to diffuse any anger that we still feel. With practice, it’s not easy, is it? Because you keep coming back to the old habits of the response being anger or having a grudge or having resentment. So if that’s your habit, it’s going to be difficult to change the habit. But with practice, constantly feeling, I want more compassion, more forgiveness, more love, rather than the opposite, rather than the harming behavior.
Which are you choosing for yourself? So, in every situation where there’s a possibility of doing something negative, try to stop yourself before you do it. Usually say, put your Reeboks on, run. Lama Tsongkhapa, this famous lama in this tradition, used to say, Become like a tree or become like a rock.
So when you get angry or resentful, become like a tree or a rock. Well, we’re not very good rocks and trees these days. Know, rocks and trees don’t talk. So in those days, seven hundred years ago, I think people had a softer lifestyle. Know, was not as fast as our lifestyle.
But because of the speed of our lifestyle, our anger comes very quickly and then it comes out of our mouth very quickly. So what do you do if that’s your habit? Or if jealousy is your habit? Pride is your habit? Pride can be very powerful.
That you become very egotistical in pride, and then you know what others should be doing, and you know what to tell them, and you give all this advice. But not that’s coming from a change internally. So when these negative actions are coming up, what do you do if you have the habit of responding from those negative minds? Try and be a tree, try and be a rock, and if not, put the Reeboks on and get out of the house. But don’t do it, you know?
Because if you do it, then it’s another habit. More seeds, more to deal with in the future. So, people now say to me, well okay, I’m in a relationship and we’ve got this bickering, fighting, or resentment and anger going on. How to change the situation? I said, well you can’t go home and say, you must change, you must have less resentment, you must have less anger, you must have less of whatever it is to make me happy.
So, what you have to do is declare yourself, I’ve decided that I want less of this in my life, and so when it’s happening, I feel that the only thing I can do is I have to get out. Because then you’re not adding energy to the negative situation. So hopefully if there’s any love or respect in the relationship, the other person will understand why you’re not staying to fight. Because I think often we see fighting, arguing, as something constructive, but actually it’s very destructive and creates more fights and more problems and more resentment, more to forgive. So better to stop talking, get out, walk around the block.
It’s the adrenaline that’s the problem. The adrenaline is forcing you into saying something, into doing something. So you have to wait until you’re feeling calmer and then you go back and then you try to diffuse the situation. So you’re not adding fuel, you know, putting more kerosene or petrol on the fire. So, you’re trying to take away the anger, take away the resentment, not adding more to it.
So forgiveness may be something we need to pay attention to on a daily basis. If we are honest, many of us carry small hurts and grudges which are festering away inside us. The pain of these grudges often reemerges in a moment of weakness. For example, when we are tired or have had an alcoholic drink. It could be that someone gossiped about us or got promotion ahead of us or even just failed to invite us to a party.
How do you feel when your friends had a party and you were not invited? Len? Oh, no, he’s asking you anything. Last time I looked to you for support, Len. So what happens when they keep inviting you to the parties and somebody else hasn’t been invited?
But it’s true, isn’t it? You know, it’s often about the small stuff, not particularly the big stuff. So in everyday life, it could just be something small, something small, something small. And then you keep thinking and thinking and thinking about it because often we’re very sensitive. So when we’re so sensitive, then because we’re viewing the world from our perspective, it’s all about me, Then, we get this sort of, they did this to me.
That was meant as a harm towards me. They didn’t want to help me or they didn’t want me at the party or they didn’t want me at the bowling alley or the dinner or whatever it was. And so you get really hurt. And what you forget was, you said ages ago, I hate bowling. Don’t ever invite me to the bowling alley.
So all your friends go to the bowling alley and you think, why didn’t they invite me? Completely forgot you said you didn’t want to go. Or, I hate smoky discos where people are drinking and where it’s really hard to breathe. I hate it. So the next time your friends are all going out, they go to one, they don’t invite you.
And you think, why not me? What have I done? So we often forget what we’ve said, and then based on what we’ve said, others make their decisions and then we feel hurt by their decisions. So instead of feeling hurt, you can just go to them and say, What’s the reason that you didn’t invite me? Instead of starting out with a grudge and anger and then they have to solve the grudge and the anger for you, you decided to have a grudge.
You decided to be resentful. You decided to be angry. So holding on to a grudge involves the constant watering of the seeds of anger, keeping alive an unpleasant feeling that can even affect our physical health. Now the scientists also say what Buddha said a long, long time ago, that if you have a negative state of mind like anger, it actually affects your health. And so, in ten, fifteen, twenty years, if you keep up this anger, what you are going to do to your health.
It’s another way of persuading yourself out of the anger. Simply becoming aware of the poisonous power of what we’ve been carrying around inside can be the key to letting go and moving on. Sometimes it happens years after the event. At that point, who is really causing that pain? Ourselves.
So we carry it around for many, many years. Even people have things from their childhood, you know? That my mother said this or my brother said that or my brother got a toy and I didn’t. And it can create a rift from that time. And it’s like forty years later and people are holding on to things all those years revisiting that same thing instead of just thinking, it doesn’t matter.
Why do I keep holding on to it? So the way to change it is by taking away the power of it. Why do I want to be resentful and angry? What is it going to give me? The power in it is only negative.
Right? It’s only harmful. So if you think about the power of fire is to burn, the power of the sun is heat, the power of the moon is cooling, the power of anger is only to hurt and to separate. And anger is the antidote to love. We talk about mental antidotes.
So anger is the antidote for love. The more anger you have, the less love there is in your life. If you love somebody, the more angry you are with that person, the less love there is going to be in the relationship. So what do you want? Do you want more love or less love?
So if you want more love, anger is giving you the opposite of what you want. You really have to think about that because I’m sure everyone of us wants to be closer, wants to have more love. And yet, is the thing that separates us. It antidotes love. Okay?
So, if we feel that our own actions contributed to a painful situation, we can sometimes create the conditions for the healing of both parties by making a sincere apology or a compassionate statement. Well, Len. A sincere apology, You know? Not, Oh, alright then. I guess I’m sorry.
You know? Take these few wilted dandelions that I picked from the garden. You know? I mean, you really have to think about this. Not just, you know, sometimes it’s like a shrug of the shoulders and, oh, alright then, I’m sorry.
But it really doesn’t mean anything, does it? Because the other person can see it’s not sincere. So what was important in there, it’s a sincere apology. So not just to apologize, but to really do it from the heart. Why?
Because I recognize my part in this whole scene, you know? It’s not just about them, it’s also about me. And often we inflame people. Often we have put the fuel on the fire. So if you can apologize, okay, do it, but do it in a very nice way, a sincere apology.
Or if you can’t apologize, a compassionate statement. So what would be a compassionate statement? Amanda. No wonder she’s exhausted. Amanda.
I’m just wondering what a compassionate statement is. Yeah. Oh, I see what you mean. Yeah. Yeah, that was good, Amanda.
You did well there. You can stay as my permanent assistant. Just always propped on those cushions in that corner. Yeah? I saw that.
He’s developing and growing. Like, you know, next course, you know, the cushions are up here and sort of all around here. Amanda’s more. Amanda’s down in Coromandel making her own cushions bigger and better. Oh dear.
I think it’s a good point isn’t it? That if you have a kind heart, you often say something that can heal the resentment and the anger. When you’re coming from the heart and you say, you look tired or you know, is there something that’s worrying you? Is there something that I can do to help you? That sort of way of approaching the situation can often open the door to them saying, well actually I was blah blah blah and I’m really sorry that I said this to you.
You know, it can be a really nice way of helping the other person to change their mind. Apologizing is often a sign of strength rather than of weakness. It can be an uplifting practice that clears the air and helps both sides to let go of any sense of being a victim and to regain their peace of mind. But what happens when you apologize and you expect the other person to apologize? That can often start another war.
No, there’s been a big fight. You’re not talking to each other. You went to bed. You are hanging off the end of the bed on either side. The next morning, you don’t talk to each other, and you’re banging the dishes around the kitchen.
And then you say, Alright then. I’m sorry. And he or she says, thank you. Thank you. I knew you were wrong.
Woah. Know, dishes start flying again. You know? So if you apologize thinking you’re going to get an apology, you’re in big trouble because it may not come. Right?
So don’t have any expectation. I think that’s a really important thing about when you’re doing these nice things, don’t expect it to come back to you. Don’t think there’s instant karma, instant coffee, instant mashed potato. You know? So you you put it out because you like it.
That’s what you want to do. This is who you are, what you are. This is my value. I do this. You choose to be like that, well, it’s up to you.
You know? You wanna be nasty and resentful and angry? Okay. It’s up to you. But what I believe in is qualities, and so that’s what I’m doing.
Don’t do it thinking you’re going to force them into doing the same thing because it can be very misunderstanding and then the fight starts again. We have to use our intelligence to see if apologizing is appropriate to a particular situation. But if we keep in sight the overall aim of the practice to bring about harmony, understanding and ultimately happiness, then it will not be difficult to choose an effective course of forgiving thought and action. So it’s saying harmony, understanding and ultimately happiness. Harmony, you don’t want to be disharmonious, you know, on different wavelengths, isn’t it?
With your friends, your family, whoever it is. You’re trying to harmonize by giving information and by sharing information, the knowledge that you have. Understanding is understanding where they’re coming from. So we already talked about karma and delusion. You know where they’re coming from.
Understanding that people are also under stress, worried, have many problems, and so also that can give more causes for irrational behavior or for anger or whatever it is. Ultimately happiness, happiness is wanting others to be happy too. It’s not just about you, isn’t it? It’s that you want others to be happy, and that’s love. Love is wanting others to be happy.
And by them being happy, you’re happy. Right? But if you’re trying to make yourself happy, you can spend all your time on me, me, me, me and not be aware of what’s going on with others. Spend some time thinking about them, make them happy, and automatically you will feel happy. So there’s the Dutch priest, Henri Nouwen.
Do we all know him? You do? Oh. The Dutch priest, Henri Nouwen, famous. Thank you, people.
N o u w e n. And it’s it’s actually Henri, I think, h e n r I, and then n o u w e n. So the Dutch priest Henri Nouwen composed a beautiful poem about how although forgiveness isn’t easy, it’s something that all of us need for our happiness. So his poem is, forgiveness is the name of love among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly.
We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour, unceasingly. That is the great work of love. Among the fellowship of the weak, that is the human family. Henri, you did it. Good, isn’t it?
Did you get it then? Yeah. Didn’t sort of I’ll leave it. I’ll leave these papers here. So if you want to write any of this stuff down, you can.
So forgiveness is the name of love among people who love poorly. So who which one of us can say, oh, I love really well. You know. Love meaning I want others to be happy. Right?
So which one of us can say, do that really well on a daily basis? Yep, that’s me. I signed up for it long time ago and I’m perfect. Right? We’re not perfect and yet we expect others to be perfect.
So this is what you really have to bear in mind among people who love poorly. So I don’t do it very well. They also don’t do it very well. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. Right?
Because these negative emotions come, and then the love is dropped and the negative emotions come in. And the negative emotions are the antidote for love. So we need to forgive and be forgiven. So from both sides. I need to forgive whoever’s done anything to me, but also I need to be forgiven because I’m not on the side of being right.
I’ve also done things that I’ve done harm. I’ve been angry. I’ve done things. So I need to forgive, but also I need to be forgiven. So it’s to remember we’re on both sides of the fence every day, every day, every hour, unceasingly.
It’s like Jesus’s, you know, statement that not seven times, seventy seven times. Keep doing it. Don’t give up. That is the great work of love. Among the fellowship of the weak, that is the human family.
So His Holiness keeps talking about this global family. You know, that we’re not alone, that we’re a human family. And that in order to be a family, we need to forgive. We need to have that forgiveness. Instead of holding on to grudges and resentments as a nation, on bigger sense, smaller family, friends, and in relationships particularly, people say things that they don’t mean and afterwards it can become the cause of the separation of the family.
Getting married, having children, then separating. Now in America, fifty percent of people end up in divorces. And then second marriage, third marriage, fourth marriage. Why? Because things happen and then instead of forgiving, you think the answer is you move on.
Well, you’re out and I’m going to now another relationship, you know. But actually, we need to stay with what we’ve got and work on that. I need to try and heal that instead of always thinking another relationship, another friend, another country, another. You know, I often say when we move countries or move places, we pack all our rubbish in the suit cases. All the anger, all the resentment, all the hatred, you know, we pack it very nicely and we put, you know, the nice packing, some bubble wrap to protect it, you know, all the anger.
You want to keep that safe, you know, and all that resentment. Woah. Keep that over there, you know, extra cotton wool for that one. And then you arrive and then you unpack it. Yeah?
Put it in the cupboard. Oh, need this and I need this and I need this. And the nice stuff, we don’t worry about it so much. You know? We don’t think so much about love, compassion, patience, humility, you know, all these things.
Nice qualities. We don’t put so much attention on it. But the negatives, we keep revisiting and revisiting and revisiting. And it becomes like a cancer because of the rate it’s growing. So we’re choosing to make it much more powerful and much more hurtful than it was in the beginning.
Somebody can say a very small thing. You know? They look at you and say, oh, what are you wearing today? How can they speak to me like that? Know?
And you can go back and back and back and I don’t like that person anymore. And now you keep looking for what you don’t like in that person. And then weeks later if you say, why did you start disliking that person? You wouldn’t know why. You wouldn’t remember that first thing.
And it’s small, it’s inconsequential, but then it helps the resentment and the anger to grow. So not being so sensitive about the things that people say. In Buddhism we say, just let it go. You know, like the wind blowing past your ear. If somebody says something that you don’t like, just let it go like wind blowing.
You don’t grab hold of the wind and say, what’s that? If they’re saying something harmful, just let it go. Don’t keep going back and back and back and back thinking about it. There’s another Buddhist story about I told you last week. You could be going down to the Colby’s Cafe.
You’re walking down the road, you know. Oh, it’s gonna be great. I’m gonna have a cafe latte with a blah blah blah on the top. It’s gonna be so nice. And suddenly, this arrow hits you, you know, shot from up there.
You’re lying on the ground. You’re dying. It’s poison. Right? You’re lying on the ground, and you’re saying, who shot that arrow?
Why did they shoot it? Why me? What’s the poison that they used? I wonder where they got this wood from. It’s quite nice wood.
I mean, that’s what we do. You know? We’re dying from the poison and we’re saying, who shot the arrow? Why did they do it? Why me?
Forget all that stuff. Just acknowledge you’re dying from the poison You need to take the antidote. You need to take the medicine as quickly as possible. Right? Don’t think of all the little small stuff that can really clutter up your mind with they said and I said and this and that and the other.
Just think the most important thing is to remove the poison from the system. And that’s the anger, the resentment, the jealousy. All these things. Get it out as quickly as possible. And once it’s gone, then you’ll see the situation clearly.
Don’t be like the person who’s shot by the arrow and then worrying about where the arrow came from. The wood that the arrow is made from. It’s not important. Okay? Any questions?
Yes, Laura? Oh, I’ve questioned you out. You want to do your stand up act? You’re feeling withdrawal symptoms, aren’t you? Yeah.
Hold on. To forgive yourself the faults of the others. The cancer. Because we have, we gossip, we have resentment, we have anger. That’s right.
Yes. Yes. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that’s what Buddha said is that when you’re seeing it outside, it’s because it’s inside. Right?
It’s not coming from there. It’s actually coming from here. But our habit is to say you, they, you know? We externalize it. And when you externalize it, you make it into I’m right, you’re wrong.
I’m good, you’re bad. So there’s a duality. And then it seems like we’re always on the right side. Whoever you talk to is on the right side and the others are always on the wrong side. But if you can stop and think, well it’s not coming from out there, it’s coming from in here and actually I’m the cause of this and so I have to forgive myself instead of forgiving all of them.
Yes, there may be something to forgive too. But to start with yourself acknowledging that you have the power to change your mind. I think the greatest thing for me was realizing that I have the power to change my own mind and therefore to change what’s happening instead of being a victim of what’s happening. Because you could be in your situation in Germany and think, oh, this is dreadful. I’m going to go somewhere else where they don’t gossip.
And you move and you’re in another place and they all start dun dun dun dun and you think, how’s it possible? You know? They go to another place and you find they’re gossiping too and you never recognize that it’s because of you, what’s inside you, that is creating the potential for you to see. Because you’ve gossiped. Because you’ve done it, now there’s an appearance of it.
It’s happening because of what you did. So if you stop doing it and you make a very conscious effort to not do it, then it stops you creating the similar experience that’s going to happen in the future. You start to change it. Anything else? I think it depends on whether, if it’s sincere, do you feel that you have something to apologize for?
It has to be sincere, right? So if you feel that you’ve got something to apologize for, then it’s like she’s saying, you don’t think good, bad, I’m right, you’re wrong. You’re saying that you have a part to play in the situation. You see, I think what we tend to do is think, I didn’t do anything wrong. That person was the one who’s completely wrong.
So I’m right, they’re wrong, they should apologize. And once you’re fixated on that position, it’s very difficult. Because if they don’t apologize, you’re in a situation where you’re not going to talk anymore. Or you’ll bury it, but it keeps festering. So then, can you accept that you’re part of the situation?
That it’s not just about them, it’s also about you too. Did you have any part to play in what went on? So that’s the harder thing to think about, isn’t it? Well, you’re never innocent. I can tell you this much.
Well, yeah, I get well, again, it’s because of karma and delusion that it forces the adult into thinking that by doing that, that they’re going to be happy, that they’re going to produce happiness for themselves. For the child, you know, they’ve got into a situation that it seems they don’t deserve, isn’t isn’t isn’t warranted. But then from a Buddhist point of view, you’d say, but then how does that person experience the harm? Where did that karma come from? So what often happens is the parent abuses the child.
The child grows up. The child becomes the abuser. That’s where it came from. So on over a very long term lifetimes, that’s what Buddhism addresses, more the lifetimes. Because if you don’t address lifetimes, it’s very hard to see why something’s happening only in this life.
You know? That child has not created any cause in this life to experience that harm, therefore, it’s unfair. You know? We take that view. But if we look at it over a longer time, you see time after time after time, the abused becomes the abuser.
The abuser abuses and then that person becomes the abuser and then the abuser and it continues on and on and on. And we just can’t see that we were born with the seeds to become the abuser, the alcoholic, the angry person, the jealous person, whatever it is. We brought all this with us into this life. So when we’re born, from a Buddhist point of view, it’s not a clean slate. We’re born with all these habits from the past.
And then we start behaving with those habits, with those propensities from the past that then force us into behaving in a certain way. So your parents might be saying, don’t kill, but you love killing. Don’t hit your brother, but you love hitting. Why? You know, there doesn’t seem to be an answer often.
If you study families, you’ll see the child behaving very differently from the parents. So the the genetics are what you receive from the parents in the way of, physical form. That’s genetic. But why did the physical form appear the way it did is because of your karma. Why is your mind the way it is?
It’s because of your karma. And so this is what you’ve created in the past that you bring into this life. So when you’re experiencing real problems with anybody, you know, we always think I’m right, they’re wrong, But who created the potential to have problems with that person? I did in the past by having problems with somebody else. So I created problems.
In the future life, somebody creates problems for me. And then I think, well, that’s not right. I’m a good person. I didn’t do anything in this life. I didn’t create any problems in this life.
But I forget that in the past lives, I’ve created problems or I’ve been an abuser. Right? So I’ve been an abuser. Now I’m being abused. And I think, well, why me?
I haven’t done anything, but, actually, it was created in in the past. So this is very hard to understand. karma is very difficult to understand. Buddha said the most difficult thing to understand of all Buddhist teachings is karma because you can’t understand the small causes producing the effects and happening over lifetimes between many different beings. You know?
I mean, it’s an incredible web, not just me, you, but an incredible web that they now say something like a butterfly fluttering its wings on the other side of the world affects here. Like that. You know, that we’re we’re all so interconnected that everything that we’re doing is affecting everybody else. The good thing about that is that by you sitting here, it means you’re affecting the world in a very positive way. And I think that’s also the thing that you should take a lot of delight and joy in is that just by sitting here and researching your own resentment, your own anger or jealousy or hatred, whatever it is, not forgiving.
Looking into it starts to change it. And if you start to change, that means it’s possible for others to change around the world because it’s like a ripple effect that goes out. You know? If a butterfly’s wings can affect New Zealand, then for sure, we can affect others. So not just about a small number, it’s about a small number and their motivation and what they really want to achieve with their life.
You know? And if you want to achieve being a better person, increasing the qualities, removing the negativities, then this is only the beginning of a journey that you start in this life, and then you’ve got many other lives. It’s not you have to achieve everything in this life, but you just start. You make the determination. I’m going to start right now.
And no matter what others do to me, I’m going to be the person who reacts with qualities rather than negativities. That’s my choice. Instead of being forced into reacting in a negative way. So somebody harms, I harm back. Somebody beats, I beat back.
Where does it stop? You know? Has to stop with somebody saying, I don’t do that. There’s I can never remember her name, but there was a woman who’s a a poet and has written some books on poetry. She’s a black woman and used to be on the Oprah show.
Do you know her name? Maya Angelou. Yeah. Maya Angelou. I really like her voice.
She’s got the most amazing voice. But, you know, she didn’t speak until she was, what, eighteen, nineteen? She didn’t speak. They thought she was mute. What was happening was her father, her uncle, and others were raping her all through her childhood until she got to about eighteen, nineteen.
And one day she decided enough is enough. And then she started speaking and she said, never stopped since. But she said, from that point, I decided this is enough. So she stood up and she said, you know, now this stops. But she said, I could have become the abuser.
She said, I was abused from when I was very small. I could have become the abuser, but I chose to be the one who stopped it. Like, I don’t I don’t think I’ll hand on or pass on the lineage, to say it that way. I don’t give it to anybody else. I decided that it stops with me, and it doesn’t go on.
And that was the most powerful thing I’d ever heard from anybody who’s experienced extreme abuse, you know, horrific abuse that you you couldn’t think of any nice way to look at. There’s no nice way of looking at it, but just incredible delusion in that family. And she stands up and says, I’ve decided I’m gonna be a good person. And she’s had such an effect from her poetry. And, you know, she’s Oprah Winfrey’s guru That she teaches Oprah Winfrey to be a good person because the same thing happened to Oprah Winfrey.
And that’s why Oprah Winfrey ate so much, as the way of healing the hurt that she felt inside. She when you eat a lot, you put that padding around you and you don’t feel the emotional harm. And that’s what Oprah realizes that that doesn’t work either. You’ve got to go into the hurt and decide, I’m not going to be like that. It stops with me.
I’m not going to pass on, you know, the baton when you’re doing these races and they pass on the baton. Oh, I’m not gonna pass it on. You know? I I stop with it here, and I find a way of transforming it and using it to become the better person. That’s the only only good out of suffering.
The only good that suffering does is to have that sort of feeling that suffering becomes the cause for compassion. Suffering becomes the cause of love. Otherwise, suffering just makes more suffering, more problems. Right? So which sort of life do you want?
Do you want more suffering, more problems? Or the suffering became a cause for you to have qualities. You choose. Okay. We’ll stop there, and then we’ve got a little bit of a change of schedule.
We’ve decided we’re not going to have a fire puja because there’s a total fire ban, and so that might get us into trouble. And