Audio recorded at Buddha House Adelaide. Transcript auto-generated and AI-corrected; may contain errors.
About this talk. In this 47-minute session, Ven Jampa Gendun opens by dismantling a common fear: that cultivating equanimity will erode love for family and friends. He argues the opposite — attachment blocks genuine love by valuing people only for what they provide us. The heart of the session is a three-person visualization: listeners imagine a close friend, a worst enemy, and a stranger, then probe the selective memories behind each label. A vivid thought experiment — two people who both gave you a gift and slapped you in the face, on different days — makes the arbitrary nature of these categories concrete. Gendun closes with a guided loving-kindness practice that expands from self-compassion outward through Adelaide and ultimately to all beings in every direction.
File metadata (for organising)
File: 02 3 PA 1988 07 01.mp3
UUID: 9b98d77d-ffc8-4ccc-b4ad-264de55ee8dc
Teacher: Ven Jampa Gendun
Collection: Three Principal Aspects of the Path 1988-1990 (Ven Jampa Gendun)
Date: 1988-07-01
Recorded at: Buddha House Adelaide
Duration: 46.9 minutes
Words: ~4,303
Continue to Some are going to bring us happiness. Some are going to bring us unhappiness. Some are going to bring us neither. So we created the space by relating to them with equanimity to value them for themselves, and not to value them to the extent that they bring us happiness, that they somehow enhance our egos, our pleasure. In other words, we can begin to create the space to love others in this sense of wishing others happiness, regardless of whether they bring us happiness, whether they bring us suffering, whether we like them or don’t like them.
We can still wish them happiness regardless. We can still love them. As long as we are bound under the influence, under the control of attachment, aversion, and indifference, there’s no space for love. So with equanimity, being separated from these three attachment, aversion, indifference we founded the basis for a real revolution in the way we relate with others, a way of relating beyond ego, a real revolution in the way we live our life. So we really began to open our hearts to others.
So there’s a common misconception about equilibrium, about equanimity. This is because for ordinary people, liking and disliking is totally mixed up, bound up with attachment and aversion. They’re afraid if they lessen their attachment, then they aren’t going to like other people anymore. Their family or their friends, by lessening their attachment, Their love and their affection is somehow going to disappear. Actually, as I said, the opposite is true.
Our feelings of liking, of loving, are so mixed up with attachment that we only get in touch with them, only able to allow them to grow and express them when the other person who we are valuing with this mixed attachment, who we value only to the degree that they can bring us happiness. This is the only time that we can ever express love, is when the other person is bringing us happiness. We value them as objects only to the extent that they bring us happiness. Only to the extent that they bring us happiness do we love them. Are we able to express love?
Because it’s completely mixed with attachment. So actually, attachment does not value the person for who they actually are. It just sees how we would like them to be, our own projections. It doesn’t see their actual qualities. It doesn’t value them for themselves, for their own intrinsic worth, who they are.
In this way, your attachment inhibits real love. Here I mean by unconditioned love, a type of love which isn’t dependent upon how the other person relates toward you, but simply from your side, you see them as intrinsically worth worthy of happiness. And you wish them that happiness no matter how they might relate to you back. Essentially, equanimity is an even mindedness. It’s like fluid, open attitude towards others that’s separated from attachment, that’s separated from aversion and indifference.
We can talk about the actual meditation technique. We sort of build up a background, some understanding of what it’s about. And we talk about the actual meditation technique in which we visualize or imagine three different individuals in front of us. On your right side in front of you, you imagine your closest friend, someone you’re very attached to. On your left side, your worst enemy, someone you feel a great deal aversion to.
In the middle, a stranger, someone for whom you feel indifference. Each of these people are going to arouse a very distinct emotion, feeling, some kind of distinct attitude. Toward this friend, we’re going to develop attachment. They’re going to act as a cause for us to develop attachment. Toward the enemy, we’re going to develop feelings of aversion, and toward the stranger, feelings of indifference and not caring.
So we begin to actually analyze these feelings. So first we focus on the friends. This is our meditation. We imagine as best we can these three individuals, and we focus on our dearest friend, our closest friend. We allow all the feelings associated with them, with this person, to arise, feelings of warmth, of caring, and your feelings of closeness, all the memories of the good times that you shared, the happiness that this person has shown you, the kindness that this person has shown you, the warmth.
So your friend begins to appear very beautiful to you as an inner beauty, as if they kind of exude some kind of goodness, almost visually, you can almost see there, some kind of inner beauty coming out of them, an appealing quality. They look very appealing, very attractive, very pleasant to you. They have appearance. So you’re developing these qualities, these feelings to arise, focusing upon these memories. Something about them touches your heart.
There’s some very close connection with them. And you have the feeling that you want to care for them, you want to make them happy. You don’t want to see them hurt. You want to protect them. You see this goodness, this beauty, something very permanent, like it’s something intrinsic about them, completely from their own side.
It’s as if they exude this qualities, this goodness, this beauty from their own side. It’s a part of them. This is where they appeared here. Now we’re going to analyze these feelings, this appearance. We have to be very skillful in meditation.
We’re trying to evoke feelings, attitudes, so we have to use our imagination, our creativity. To be a skillful meditator is not easy. It takes a lot of skill, a lot of work, a lot of creativity and imagination. Now we’re going to analyze these feelings that we’ve developed with this close friend, my dearest friend. So what is the basis for these feelings?
What is the basis for these attitudes that we feel toward this friend? Isn’t it these feelings that you’ve generated, that you’ve aroused, are based upon selectively remembering instances of their kindness, of their affection? You’re selectively remembering instances of their kindness, of their affection. Maybe they praised you, told you what a beautiful person you were, how intelligent you were, or they gave you something in your presence,. That care about your well-being, about your happiness, and remembering all this.
Aren’t all these reasons, in fact, arbitrary? If you search in your memory, honestly, you are certain to find some instances in your memory. If you really look, When this person was unkind to you, was cold to you, when this person put you down, didn’t give you what you wanted. There were times when you felt that this person didn’t care about you at all, when they were almost cruel to you, almost as if they really went out of their way to hurt you. As we reflect this way, this person no longer fits comfortably into the category of dearest friend, a friend, and you’re my best friend.
They no longer quite touch your heart the way they did before, and they no longer appear to exude this kind of beauty, this inner warmth, as they did before. So the person hasn’t changed. You’re still very much the same person, but your attitude has changed. You’ve shifted your attitude. Your feelings have changed toward them.
So we’ve shifted, we’ve changed our attitude by focusing on remembrances, on instances which we normally exclude when we normally do not wish to associate with this person, even though they’re there. So this shows us the arbitrary basis for attachment. On the basis of arbitrary instances of our memory, We label this person friend, dearest friend, closest friend, and we fixate upon that. We hold this very tightly that this person is my best friend, warm, loving, caring. On this basis we develop attachment, as if they were always eternally this way, and they’re always warm, loving.
In this way, this not only brings you relating with another person in this way, fixating upon specific instances, selective memories. Not only brings you frustration and disappointment in your relationship with this person, but it creates friction in a relationship and limits the other person through our own expectations. Labeling and fixing, holding tight to that label limits ourselves in being able to see that person in a balanced way, being able to see that person as they actually are, with all their good and bad qualities, realistically, the authentic real person. This inhibits our ability to appreciate them for who they really are. We’re appreciating them for who we would like them to be, how we selectively want them to be, remember them to be.
Appreciating someone for their real value, for who they really are, is the basis for real love, not for what we would like them to be, not as we would selectively remember them to be, but who they really are in their completeness, in all their various qualities. By holding one person as a truly existent friend. By truly existent, I mean seeing this person as only as if they were only positive, kind, loving, exuding goodness and beauty from their own side, and fixating upon that, and thinking this as a permanent, independently existing without depending upon projection, my labeling them this way. They truly they really exist this way. By creating a truly existent friend, we create truly existent enemies.
And enemies are dependent upon friends. If we don’t have a truly existent friend, we aren’t going to have truly existent enemies. Just as outside is dependent upon inside, far is dependent upon near. They’re interdependent. So once we create a truly existent friend, on the other hand, we’re going to have created truly existing enemies.
Okay. Now we So we focused on our friend over here. And now we’re going to focus on our enemy. So we allow all the various feelings, our attitude to arise with respect to that person. You know, we feel coldness, distant, uncomfortable, uneasy.
All the memories begin to come, how they hurt us, harmed us, how they made us angry. They radiate out some kind of badness, some kind of disagreeable quality about them, Some kind of repulsiveness. It seems that this repulsiveness, this badness, is a permanent part of them. It’s kind of built into them, into their flesh maybe. That’s the way it appears.
Kind of exude this kind of repulsive quality once you really get into it. Now we’re going to analyze these feelings and this appearance that we see before us. What is the basis for these feelings, these attitudes? So again, we’re selectively remembering instances of their unkindness, of their harm that they did to us. They put you down, they prevented you from getting what you wanted.
That feeling they were out to hurt you, harm you, to bring you unhappy. But if we search honestly within our memory, you can find instances where perhaps they had a completely different way of relating with the same person. You felt this person was kind, caring. We can simply imagine the situation, just completely create a new situation in a way they’re very friendly, where they help you out when you really were down, you really needed a friend, that this person who now is appearing to an enemy, they came to your aid. They showed you some real kindness, gesture of caring.
What happens when you feel that way? When you’re just using your imagination, creating a situation, you still have that person in front of you in your imagination. And you’re a person you do really you felt like felt like hidden. You know? You just kept thinking how what a rotten person this was.
But then you simply by using either a memory, remembering past instances where this person showed you kindness and helped you, or through the use of your imagination creating new situations where this person spoke to you and you realize, Oh, I misunderstood them. I misunderstood their intent. Or maybe they helped you when you really needed help. It completely turns around this feeling you know, from black to white. There’s a complete turning over in your heart.
What happens to the label of enemy? You’re projecting this label. What happens to that label when this turning of the heart takes place? So we can begin to see our feelings towards individuals who are toward these people, and appearances, how look to us. And we have our projections, our feelings toward them, and the way they’re appearing to us, how these can be radically changed.
You know how this can easily change, but we’re trying constantly, again and again, to relate to these people with fixed categories, with fixed labels. We’re holding on to these labels, to these categories, this is my friend, this is my enemy. Even in terms of And we can see this changing. The feeling that we’re trying to evoke is to not hold onto these categories as tightly, to Begin to let loosen, to loosen up your grasping at this person is friend, this person is enemy. From the basis of this categorization, to relate with them in way and fulfill this self fulfilling prophecy, this way of preconceived, a way of relating.
Even in this life, I mean, even in a short period, you can have one person who was a very close friend five years ago, and today they’re your worst enemy. Or another person who was your enemy five years ago, and today they’re your best friend. This happens to us. It’s happened to me. Friends can change into enemies, enemies can change into friends.
It’s a completely fluid situation. We have to allow for this fluidity, this openness, to allow for these changes. We can’t hold on to these labels, these categories of individuals. For example, one person gave you a gift yesterday and slapped you in the face today. Another person slapped you in the face yesterday and gave you a gift today.
What’s the difference between the two? They both did exactly the same thing to you. They both gave you a present, they both slapped you in the face. But because of the factor of time, you ‘re going to hold one as close, my friend, the other you’re going to push away my enemy. But they’ve treated you exactly the same, but we have a completely different way of relating to them because we fix these categories of friend and enemy, and we hold on to these categories, this way of labeling.
Now we focus on the stranger, the one in the middle. We try to get in touch with our feelings. How do I feel about this person? You don’t feel much at all, actually. You have neutral feelings, neither pleasure, neither displeasure toward this person.
Know, indifference, not caring, unrelatedness, no connection. This person simply doesn’t matter to us. It’s as if they don’t exist up to this moment. They don’t exist. They neither appear attractive nor repulsive.
Why is that? What is the basis for that feeling, the neutral feeling, this feeling of indifference? It’s because you cannot remember a time when this person was either kind or unkind to you. Whether you can’t remember a time, an instance, when this person helped you or harmed you. It seems you can’t remember a time when they affected your life in any particular way.
So on the basis of this, you label this person stranger. As if they don’t matter to you, as if they don’t exist for you. Now, just using your imagination, your creativity, imagine a situation where they helped you, you know, they helped you out of some difficulty, or they gave you something that, you know, something that you really enjoyed. Imagine in a situation, you know, the same person, you’ve got the same appearance in front of you, maybe it’s a male or a female, Now you take that same person who you didn’t care about the least, and you simply, through your imagination, they gave you something, Oh, I really like that. Wow, great person.
Or they helped you out, Oh, fantastic person. Can you still apply that label of stranger to that person? Does he still fall in that same category? Does it work? Can you comfortably keep them in that category of stranger now that you’ve worked with this creative imagination process?
Just that person, just through some insignificant gesture, some insignificant word, a smile, maybe you’re forced to come together, to work together for some reason, or you share a car or something, you say a few words to each other and you realize, Oh, this person, like this person, a nice guy, or, She’s quite an interesting person. Just a few words can change your total attitude toward this person. So the potential of a meaningful relationship is there, is always there. But as long as we hold tightly to this label, this category of stranger, we’re going to always inhibit this potential for a meaningful way of relating with this person. We won’t be able to recognize this potential.
Each one of us has the potential for some way of meaningful relationship. But as long as I hold you as a stranger, I’m not going to recognize that potential. I’m not going to be aware of that potential. Allow for the possibility of that potential to manifest itself, to express itself. So the insight, which is to be gained through this meditative process, this technique, is that our labels are arbitrary.
Friend, enemy, stranger — based on selective memory, for example. It’s not very reasonable, our labeling process, our categorization. That these labels are arbitrarily applied and that they can quickly change. In this way we can begin to loosen up our hold on these labels, that we don’t hold them so tight. We don’t hold to the stranger or it’s always going to be a stranger, this friend is always going to be a friend, or the enemy is always going to be an enemy.
In this way we begin to relate with people in a more fluid and open style and manner. We begin to relate with people for themselves, and not what they can do for us, not what we can get out of them. The on again, off again love we usually feel for people, and the on again, off again love that we usually feel for a friend. Is it really love? It’s simply attachment.
We develop a flexibility of mind for someone who is, even though we don’t like them, even though we feel aversion for them, they can readily become our friend. We can readily change our attitude toward them. It’s kind of a developing of pliancy of mind, of flexibility of mind. We don’t hold on to grudges, aren’t holding on to fixed positions about how to relate with this person, because we realize it’s arbitrary and changeable. And even a stranger is the basis for a meaningful relationship, and kind of open to that possibility.
So by training in this way, by training our mind in such a technique, our attachment to our friends, our aversion to our enemies, and indifference to strangers will slowly begin to subside, begin to lessen in strength. This is a sign that you’re beginning to experience a measure of equilibrium, of equanimity. Then we hold on to this feeling, and eventually with practice it becomes an integral part of our minds. Meditating on equilibrium is the best way of producing good mental health. Instead of paying a hundred dollars an hour to a therapist, meditate on equilibrium.
You will definitely become more balanced, open, peaceful. After even ten minutes of this type of meditation, you will come out into a different world. The more we train ourselves to see the basic quality of everyone, having overcome our habitual tendency to place them rigidly into categories of friend, enemy and stranger, the more our heart will open, increasing immeasurably our capacity for love. By freeing ourselves from prejudicial views, we will be able to appreciate fully that everyone without exception wants and deserves to be happy and wishes to avoid even the slightest suffering. Therefore, from the basis of equilibrium we will be able to cultivate universal love, compassion, and eventually the full realization of bodhicitta, an awakening heart, the open heart dedicated totally to the ultimate benefit of all.
Would you like to stand up for a minute and then we’ll do the loving kindness meditation? I find it a great comfort to feel that the mind can be changed, that I don’t have to I’m not stuck. Think about your own difficulties, problems and dissatisfactions and the fact that you want to be happy. Whatever you may have done in the past, whatever mistakes you may have created, you can simply regret them and determine not to repeat them again in the future. You can change.
Or however you may conceive of yourself, whatever identity you may hold to, You can change, you can become anything that you want to be. For the moment we have to have compassion for ourselves, be gentle with ourselves, make friends with all the various parts of ourselves, even the parts that we don’t like, and wish ourselves well. Simply direct positive feelings towards yourself, wishing yourself happiness. May I be happy. May I grow.
May I not suffer. May I be well. All the good things that you would want in life, wish yourself. Now imagine, think of someone that you like, that you love, imagine that person in front of you. If you can’t see them, doesn’t matter, just feel that they’re there in front of you, someone of the same sex.
Remember all the good times that you share and all the happiness, all the kindness that this person has shown you, and let the natural good feelings begin to arise. Direct these good feelings, these feelings wishing of happiness, desire that this person have all their wishes fulfilled, all these positive feelings. Just direct them toward this person. Radiate out good feelings toward this person. Now think of someone you neither like nor dislike, someone you feel indifferent toward, and imagine that person in front of you.
Try to go beneath the superficial appearances that we usually judge people by, whether they’re male or female, or beautiful, ugly, rich, poor, educated, uneducated. Try to go beneath all those superficial appearances and see the essence of that person. There’s someone there who wants to be happy and doesn’t want to suffer just like yourself. Just as you wish your own self happiness, wish this person happiness. It’s very much a reflection of how we feel about ourselves deep down, how we feel about essential person.
So just direct positive feelings towards them, wishing them happiness. Now think of someone who disturbs your mind, someone you have problems with, someone you don’t like. Imagine that person in front of you. This person wants to be happy and doesn’t want to suffer just like yourself. Perhaps their method of finding their happiness, eliminating their suffering, has come in conflict with your methods of finding your happiness, eliminating your suffering, but it’s just a conflict of egos, of self interest.
You’ve hurt others intentionally or unintentionally in the past to find the happiness that you were looking for, and this person has done the same to you. Just as if you have to forgive yourself for the mistakes that you’ve made in the past, You have to begin to forgive this person. Just for the moment set aside your grudge, your hurt, your anger. Try to see someone very much like yourself, someone who’s just trying to find some happiness out of life, and very confused about how to go about it, and makes a lot of mistakes along the way, and wish them happiness. Imagine all four people together, yourself and these three others.
Try to see them as completely equal from the point of view of wanting happiness and not wanting to suffer. Deep down, they’re all exactly the same. Without any feelings of bias, you radiate out positive feelings wishing happiness to all four equally. And all the people in this room, people trying to take responsibility for their happiness, for their lives, trying to make effort to train their mind, searching, Wish them success, wish them happiness. Radiate out good feelings for everyone in the room.
And all the people on the block watching television, eating supper, cooking, reading the newspaper, whatever they’re doing, whatever they’re saying, they do it and say it in order to find happiness. Really, they have positive feelings touching everyone on the block, wishing them happiness. Spreading out further, extending out to all of Adelaide, all the people in their cars and buses walking on the streets and their homes. Further and further, opening your heart, radiating out these positive wishes for happiness to all of South Australia, all the people, animals and insects. Further and further, Alice Springs, Perth, Darwin, Brisbane, Sydney, Canberra, Melbourne, Hobart, the entire country spreading out these wishes of happiness.
Further and further, extending out, radiating out to all of New Zealand. The entire southern hemisphere. Further and further, enveloping the entire world in your heart and your caring, this feeling of concern. All the people, black, white, red, yellow, all the animals, insects, everything that lives on the earth is touched by your wish that they’d be happy. Radiating out into space in all the ten directions.
Further and further, without limit. To finally, without any boundaries, without any center, pervading all of infinite space. I wish, may all things be happy. May all things be happy.