Audio recorded at Buddha House Adelaide. Transcript auto-generated and AI-corrected; may contain errors.
About this talk. In this 28-minute session, Ven Jampa Gendun unpacks equanimity through a single, repeatable exercise: visualize a friend, an enemy, and a stranger, notice the distinct emotional pull each triggers — attachment, aversion, indifference — then deliberately surface contradictory memories to destabilize those responses. When a loved one’s unkindness is recalled, the warm glow fades; when an adversary’s small kindness is imagined, the hostility lightens. His point is concrete: friend, enemy, and stranger are arbitrary labels we project rather than qualities inherent to the person. He then extends the scope to racial, political, and religious divides, arguing that genuine equanimity must reach everyone, because attachment and aversion always travel as a pair. The session closes with the foundation this creates for eventually cultivating bodhicitta — the open heart dedicated to all beings.
File metadata (for organising)
File: 08 HMA 1997 05 14.mp3
UUID: 0b26816c-e23c-4bb4-b037-6f5d32644cb1
Teacher: Ven Jampa Gendun
Collection: The Heart and Mind of Awakening 1996-1997 (Ven Jampa Gendun)
Date: 1997-05-14
Recorded at: Buddha House Adelaide
Duration: 28.4 minutes
Words: ~4,126
We might call them an enemy or we might not use that term. We might use another term. But anyway, that same feeling tone is there about the person surrounding them. And then in the middle, someone we could care less about, a stranger. So we have we will have you know, it’s not so important to, as as I emphasize, to actually see them, though that’s helpful.
But it’s helpful in the sense that it’s to assist in evoking the feelings, the habitual emotional reactions that we have toward these particular people, and therefore, these categories these categories of people. But the most important thing is the feelings, you know, beginning in touch with the emotions that we have for them. So the visual aspect is secondary. The important part is getting becoming aware of and getting in touch with the feelings and emotional reactions that we have toward them. So toward each of these three people, we are going to have very distinct feelings, different emotions.
For the friend, we’ll probably have attachment. For the for the enemy, we’ll have aversion. For the stranger, we’ll have have different So now first, you know, looking at the this friend, this person that you care a great deal about, you know, allowing all the feelings that we are normally associated with them to rise, come to mind. Feelings of, you know, of warmth, of closeness, of of affection. You know, that there something about them touches you, your heart very deeply.
You you want to care for them or you want to protect them in some way. That you see that you see about them some goodness, some some some beauty about them, something very wonderful and fine about them, that that they’re attractive to you. And all that you see about them seems to be inherent to the who they are, an unchanging intrinsic nature about them as if they exuded this this attractive, appealing, lovable nature from their side. You know, it it it appears to us. This is the idea of conceptuality that all of these qualities are coming from their side instead of, you know, in fact, being very much our own projection.
But that that all of this loveliness lovableness is attractive, appealing quality about the it’s kind of exuding coming from their side. Something vague about who they are as a person makes them quite lovable and attractive to our eyes. Then we then we but we we go on so we we we’ve gotten in touch with that feeling. Yeah. All that we associate normally associate with this person.
Now we go on to to analyze our emotion reaction. You know, what is the basis for our feeling in this way? You know, normally, we don’t analyze. We don’t examine. We just accept.
You know, it’s nice to have warm feelings for people. You know, why analyze it? Why look at it? Well, perhaps this has some purpose in mind, some of it have a greater purpose, so it’s it’s useful. You know, why do you feel this way about this particular person?
You know, is it because and these are just some possibilities and some some suggestions that you might make use of. But finding within your own experience the reasons for yourself. Maybe they did something for you. They praised you. They’ve been very kind to you.
They showed they they they helped you out when you were when you were in need, when you were having difficulty. Or maybe they helped someone close to you when they were in difficulty. They they were very loving toward you, spoke very highly highly of you. You know, going on and on this way of all the reasons why you’ve these feelings come up when you think of this person. What what are the basis for this these feelings arising toward that person?
You know, they helped you. That’s something very positive they’ve done for you. But, look, having having gone through enumerated, you know, all the possible reasons why you feel this way about this person, then looking and searching in in your memory perhaps, you know, are there instances when this very same person treated me wrongly, treated me unfairly, was unkind to me, was hurt me in one way or another? You know, our memories are not photographic plates. They don’t record our history in an undistorted fashion.
Our memories are selective. You know, we we if you search, you’re going to find within your relationship with this exact same person times when they’ve treated you very badly probably, when they hurt you, when they’ve when you felt that they didn’t like you, when you felt rejected, abandoned, let down, disappointed by the same exact person. So thinking this way, I mean, finding those instances within your when when with regard to that person. Reflecting in this way, this person no longer quite fits so comfortably in that in that box that you once had him in. You know, that that box of friend or loved one or whatever.
You know? They they no longer quite touch your heart the way they did. They know as you they don’t quite have that same glow of loveliness that they once had about them and that attractive quality as they appeared before. Yes. So, you know, opposite.
You know, the person hasn’t changed in the least. You know, the person’s and I mean, even though we’re simply thinking about the person, it is our we can begin to recognize that it is our attitude, our emotional reactions, which are which are very much determining our present way of looking at this person, how this person is appearing to me. You know, we’re we’re they no longer are quite satisfactory basis for labeling in the same way as they were before. This same level of all the positive associations we had. And simply by shifting the focus of our awareness, remembering contradictory past instances which we normally which normally are excluded from memory or discounted or forgotten, we feel and they appear quite differently to us even though the information has always been there in one way or another.
So so the what what this is getting at is this demonstrates the the arbitrary and changeable nature of our feelings and and our emotions. See, on the basis of a few selected instances, we label this person friend, lover, mate, you know, whatever. And we fixate upon that, that on this person and that they are always to be that way. They are always betrayed in these instances and they will always in an unchanging way remain that way. And moreover, you know, we are not even aware of how we are supplying these labels when we think about these people.
It appears to us that this friend is a friend from their own side. And we’re simply you know, it is as if we’ve discovered a friend. You know? We we’ve discovered a lover. They’ve always been there.
We just discovered it. You know? It’s like like you’ve taken gone on an expedition in Africa, and you come upon this great discovery. It’s not as if, you know, you’re walking through the bush and you parted the bushes and there it was, this friend. It’s not as if you invented this friend or created this friend, that they were this friend waiting there to be discovered by you from their own side intrinsically.
So labeling now this okay. This may this isn’t problematic to a large extent at present. You know, we’re we’re not going to to the most deepest, most analysis which we will go to into when we when we go into the awakened mind, into the the the that all phenomena whatsoever, things, people, what so ever, are merely imputed by consciousness. That that’s a little deeper analysis. But to this level, at a at a remedial level, this merely labeling a friend is not the problem.
We, you know, we’re but we continually try to relate with them in terms of of an abstracted and fixed concept even though our actual experiences may contradict, even though it the way we’re labeling them may be irrelevant to our actual lived experience. Our own mark we we begin to marginalize our own experience, our own truth about what’s going on. We try to hold on to that label about who this person is. You know, that that we want to that they’re in this category of friend. And moreover, having labeled friend, we react with attachment.
It’s almost automatic. You know, it it does this is a habitual reaction. It’s not necessary. There is no need nor is there any great use. In fact, it’s detrimental to ourselves.
So we’re not seeing the object in we’re not seeing the person in a in a realistic balanced way for who they really are in and of themselves. You know, we’re actually devaluing that person to a great extent even though we might put them on a pedestal. You know, they’re going to fall down from that pedestal one day or another. You know, we’re not seeing them both for who they really are in terms of all their good and bad points and thereby loving loving them if if indeed we love them at all for who they are. Inevitable, you know, we’re dealing with an abstract category of individual, not with a real flesh and blood person, and reacting with attachment on that basis.
So now we then we focus upon the enemy and we go through the same process. Allow all the feelings associated with this particular person to rise. All the feelings of coldness or distance, of resentment. We have feelings of hostility. You know, something about them makes you feel uncomfortable.
You don’t like them. You you don’t want to be around them. Maybe you even want to hurt them. That that you want to see them unhappy. It seems as if all their badness is is all their repulsiveness, all their ugliness, all the things you don’t like about them that you find unattractive about them are inherent to them in some unchanging fashion.
Something about them intrinsic to their nature. It kinda oozes out of their skin. And this repulsive quality about them from their own side. Okay. Now again, beginning to analyze.
Look a little bit deeper. You know, what what is the basis for the feelings which have risen toward this person in this way? You know, when you think about them, you know, are you do you selectively remember and focus upon instances where they hurt you, when they’ve let you down, when they criticized you, when they took something that you wanted away from you in one way or another or someone who was close to you. When they didn’t care, when they when they caused you problems in some way or another. These all seem like very, you know, good reasons that to justify how you feel about this person.
But are we again, is this are we are these memories arbitrary? If, you know, if you honestly search your memory, can you find instances or can you find occasions when this person did treat you fairly? Maybe even more more than fairly. They teach they treated you in a kind fashion. They they were they were beneficial to you in one way or another.
They were they helped you. They made you happy in some in some way in the past. But okay. If it’s if the if the the particular person that you’ve chosen is not, you know, as as to representative of an enemy in that category, if there is no, in fact, no instances or occasions that you may be able to find, could you think of one? Could you could you you think of an instance, some kind of gesture on their part, some kind word, maybe they give you something, they praise you in some way.
They just a few words of reconciliation, of understanding. Could you using your imagination, could you supply that? And then watch how they change, how they appear to you. And as they don’t quite fit so comfortably into that previous category, that box you had them in, they don’t quite seem to exude all that that negativity and that badness. They aren’t as black as they once were in your eye, in your mind’s eye.
And Things have lightened up a little bit in terms of how they appear to you. Then turn to the person in the middle, this person that we we feel indifference towards, the stranger, you know, allowing all our feelings to arise with regard to them. More, you know, more than that is the feelings of I could care less or a sense of feelings of unrelatedness or boredom about this person. Maybe just you just feel confused. I don’t know how I I don’t I don’t have any particular feelings for this person.
This person simply doesn’t matter to me. They seem to they it’s almost as if they exude some kind of neutral quality. Like they can blend in with the wallpaper or something like that. You know, they’ve been they’re neither attractive or unattractive, neither neither good nor bad in my eyes. You’re not quite sure what to think about them, if at all.
So analyze these feelings and and and this appearance. You know, what is the basis for these feelings that you have when you think of this stranger, this particular person? Is it, you know, is it that when you think about them, you cannot remember any instance where they helped you or hurt you, when they when they were kind to you, when they harmed you, you know, when they when you were close to them or you were distant from them? Not not having been able to find any of these instances, you simply label this person as a stranger and you relate with them on the basis of indifference. So imagine that this person did something that you like for you, was kind to you, said some nice words to you, or maybe even someone close to you gave you a gift or some way helped you out.
Now what happens? They don’t quite fit so comfortably in that box of stranger. The feeling indifference doesn’t quite doesn’t come immediately as it as it did before. There is it doesn’t it doesn’t quite work for this person, this sense of indifference of unrelatedness because of how they now appear to you. They’re not quite the stranger that they once were.
You know, just through almost some kind of insignificant event, your your whole way of viewing this person could change. So a potential for a meaningful way of relating is always there. So so we in this meditation of the developing even the mindedness, a sense of equanimity, equanimity toward these all these categories of people, we we we meditate by substituting various friends, various enemies, and various people we presently feel indifference toward. And, you know, different groups, we keep extending the scope of these categories, people that we put in these boxes. You know, there and here’s here’s this this is our side, my side, you know, my my my family, my my neighbors, my club, my my religious affiliation, my country, my race, you know, all the possibilities of people who are on my side over here.
These people are on the other side, the bad guys, You know, whatever whatever whatever they the enemies in one way or another. You know, if you’re you’re if you’re part of management, that’s labor. If you’re if you’re a hippie, rednecks. If you’re, you know, if you’re you’re on the right, those people on the left. If you’re if you’re if you’re black, white.
You know, those people, they have a sense that they’re on the other side. You know, it doesn’t necessarily have to have the connotation of enemy. Just someone who is who is contradicted to your to your values, to to what it is that you want in life, to to your lifestyle, someone who doesn’t fit in with your thinking in some way or another. Others in some place or or another. You know, then in this we in the in the central category, we begin to to include more and more of this vast majority of the people we feel totally unrelated to until we’ve we’ve had a sense that we’ve we’ve we’ve built up this process to the point where it includes everyone.
Having we’re able to have a sense of equanimity or even mindedness toward everyone. So, you know, in in what we are what we are to understand in training in equanimity is that we are are that we are labeling these categories. A friend, enemy, and stranger, and they do not exist from their own side. They do they do not exist from their own side independent of our projections upon them. And moreover, that these categorizations, these labels are are arbitrary.
They can be they can we can label them on the on the basis of a trivial insignificant event, but still we make that label. Once that label is made, we almost we habitually react with the with the corresponding emotion. Once we’ve categorized them, once we put them in a box, we we stereotype these people whether it’s negative or positive, and we relate with them on that basis emotionally in terms of the story and how we how we interact with them. So, you know, this is not to say that we should not use all of the the various labels, the cat ways of categorizing people that we do. They’re necessary and useful.
They’re symbols by which can think about the world, a way we can communicate about the world. But we can’t become captivated. The map is not the territory. Our ideas of friend, enemy, and stranger are not the real flesh and blood people that we’re that we’re seeking to relate with. You know, as I said, there is no there is nothing alive which is which is not individual.
There is nothing alive which is not individual. There is nothing alive you know, there there there there you do not have a friend who is not an individual. You do not have an enemy who is not an individual. There is no stranger who is not an individual. Very unique with all the with all the attractive and unattractive qualities to ourselves.
So the practice the practical consequence of this meditative process is that we begin to disassociate the emotions of attachment and aversion and indifference. Fundamental images we make use of when we think about these people, when we think about about others in terms of friend, enemy, and stranger. We can think about we can continue to think, you know, just as we do when we think about we talked about last week. We think about mothers. That’s that’s a category, isn’t it?
But there’s no mother who’s not an individual. There’s no father who’s not an individual. There’s no son or child who’s not an individual. We but we have all these emotional baggage that we that are associated with these images that we make use of. And this causes a great deal of confusion and hardship in people’s lives.
We can still use these categories. This person is a mother. It’s useful. It’s a manner of speaking. It’s a convention.
This is a father. This is a child. But we no longer have to become captive captive to these images. We no longer have to habitually relate with the corresponding emotions that we’ve usually associated with these particular images, with the whole scenario that we have built around what it means to be a mother, what it means to be a father, and all that, you know, all the history and all the all that we all the learned conditioning that comes with that, that particular label. It’s not they can become we can begin to disassociate, but it’s not necessarily to habitually react in that way, nor is it of any use.
We had, you know, we we we have in developing equanimity, we were trying to create a a psychological level ground and some kind of open space where we can begin to to relate with others in a manner which is free of bias. You know, it comes back to what we talked about in terms of feeling is primary to life. This is if we if we could come down to that level in terms of our ability to be to look at others, then then we would never be hum up in these these more arbitrary, these more superficial categorizations of whether a person is black or whether they’re white, whether they’re right or whether they’re left, whether they’re, you know, friend or my enemy. Whoever they are, they’re a feeling being and deserving of my respect and my care. However, this is primary.
So anyway, we’re trying to prepare that kind of ground where we can have an essence of even mindedness for all. And upon that, we’re going to create the awakened heart. We’re not going to leave it there. We’re actually going to add a sense of equanimity or even mindedness. We’re going to but we have to if we’re going to develop if we’re going to awaken our hearts in the manner which is trying to be gotten at here, it has to be toward everybody.
It can’t be selective or it’s bound to be mixed in with attachment. And if it’s mixed in with attachment, there will always be aversion. They come as a pair in our in our psycho in our psychological life, and therefore, we will never be able to become a Buddha. We will never be able to open our hearts to all living beings. Meditating on equilibrium is the best way of producing good mental health.
Instead of paying a hundred dollars an hour to a therapist, meditate on equilibrium. Close your eyes and ignore all physical sensations. Abandon the five sense perceptions and allow yourself to sink deeply into intensive awareness of your mind’s experience of equilibrium. You will definitely become more balanced, open, and peaceful. After ten minutes of this type of meditation, you will come out into a different world.
The more we train to see the basic equality of everyone, having overcome our habitual tendencies to stick them rigidly into categories of friend, enemy, and stranger, the more our heart will open, increasing immeasurably our capacity for love. By freeing ourselves from views, we will be able to appreciate fully that everyone, without exception, wants and deserves to be happy and wishes to avoid even the slightest suffering. Therefore, from the basis of equilibrium, we will be able to cultivate universal love, compassion, and eventually the full realization of bodhicitta, the open heart the open heart dedicated totally to the ultimate benefit of all. So that’s our basis. Okay?
And then we’ll go on to work with the seven cause and effect instruction. So next week, we’ll look at begin with recognizing so, you know, having prepared this ground, this basis, unbiased, even minded attitude, now we’re going to be able to develop in a universal fashion extremely positive feelings for everyone. And we’re going to use it as a model of the most profound of relationships that of a parent toward their child or most in this in traditionally a mother for their a mother, trying to recognize all living beings as their mother. So we’ll look at that next week. So we dedicate the positive potential we have created.
Right? Giving some giving this these positive actions, positive energy, some kind of direction. And what is it that we want? What is it that we stand for in our life? I just want to find the prayer sheet.
In the land encircled by snow mountains, you are the source of all happiness and well-being. Powerful Chenrezig Tenzin Gyatso, please remain to the end of cyclic existence. May I quickly become an awakened spiritual master and lead each and every living being to that awakened realm through these skillful actions. May the supreme jewel of the awakened heart that has not arisen arise and grow, And may that which has arisen never diminish but increase more and more. So if you’d like to get a cup of tea, we’ll have a discussion.
Have a good week. Thank you.