Audio recorded at Buddha House Adelaide. Transcript auto-generated and AI-corrected; may contain errors.
About this talk. In this 38-minute session, Ven Jampa Gendun opens with a guided reflection tracing everyday loneliness and conflict to self-centeredness, inviting listeners to recall peak moments of connection as evidence that genuine happiness comes from going beyond the self. The session’s heart is a first-person testimony from a participant living with terminal breast cancer, who frames her illness through karma and purification, then describes the practices carrying her: Medicine Buddha visualization, Vajrasattva purification, Tonglen (giving-and-taking), and mindfulness of breathing. She reflects on a central Mahāyāna tension — that decades of putting others first without self-compassion contributed to her illness, and that genuine service requires caring for oneself. The session closes with small-group discussion on the question: what is your greatest challenge, and what have you already done to meet it?
File metadata (for organising)
File: 04 HoM 1993 08 04.mp3
UUID: b7483604-5386-4b2b-8375-3610afecb735
Teacher: Ven Jampa Gendun
Collection: The Heart and Mind of Awakening (Ven Jampa Gendun)
Date: 1993-08-04
Recorded at: Buddha House Adelaide
Duration: 38.1 minutes
Words: ~4,154
Various problems are actual real life problems that we have experienced over the some recent times. And try to trace back, but perhaps in terms of a more profound means, a method to the deep causes of your problem, your conflicts and your difficulties. You know, rather than saying, my problem is because of you, you’re my problem. Or if I only had more money, if I just had another degree, if I was prettier, if I was younger, if I had more whatever. Looking at perhaps a little bit deeper than that level which we usually, investigate and look at the nature of our problems on a deeper level.
Trying to see if you can trace it back to, if possible, maybe it’s the case, maybe it’s not, but we have to check out. If these feelings of isolation, these feelings of separation, feelings of loneliness, feeling of having to constantly maintain our territory, having our self image, constantly being preoccupied with my needs, my wants, there’s a constant theme of I, I, I, I. Know, this manipulative having to manipulate, this feeling of not being able to be loved or to love others. All of these these really ongoing themes of our life. Can we can we begin to trace these to as to a exaggerated self concern?
I mean, a total preoccupation with self, a the self centeredness. And then looking with our own lived experience at those happiest moments When were our really peak experiences, most fulfilling moments of our life come from? And looking at those, what are the causes? How did they evolve? I think maybe we’ll begin to see that it was those times when we went beyond the narrow prison of our of our this confines that we live in in terms of our self centered, that we opened out to a bigger world.
Some of those moments of deep communication, sharing, of communion, of being with others, of being with the world, of oneness, a sense of union, of, you know, uniting with a loved one, that to always have a sense of going out, of going beyond a claustrophobic world in which we usually live in. These are, I think, my own experience, are the most are the most fulfilling and the greatest peak experiences of my life, and trying to see. If we see this with our own lived experience, if we validate this with our own lived experience, our mind will begin to naturally move toward those. It will move away from that which we conceive of as pain. It will move toward those that which we conceive as pleasures, which will bring us happiness.
All this tenderness will be, developed as a natural evolution of our basic wisdom, our basic intelligence. So if we take a firm, comfortable posture, we’ll begin with a few minutes of mindfulness of breathing, and then we’ll we’ll look into, disadvantages of self centeredness and advantages of other centeredness. So just, directing the mind upon the the breath. It’s easy, natural, and natural of the breath. I’m going to begin to look at some of your the problems which you’ve experienced.
And in terms of conflicts, in terms of difficulties, various feelings of isolation and perhaps loneliness. This constant discontentment with oneself, feelings of guilt. Let’s look at the various problems and difficulties and conflicts that you’re experiencing. See if you can begin to look at their deeper causes. See if you can find how they might evolve out of the total preoccupation of itself.
Finding happiness at the expense and exclusion of others, a sense of self centeredness. Then we’re going to look at the other side, the advantages of other cherishing. Look within your own lived experiences, those those moments of real peace, real contentment, of real very meaningful fulfilling experiences over the course of your life. Moments of of communion and sharing. And see if you can look at the causes.
See if they evolve out, but a sense of otherness, a sense of going beyond your own self confined world. We’re never more miserable than when we think only of ourselves at the exclusion of others. Never happiness when we include others in our life. And bring your mind back to the breath. A gentle, easy, in and out flow of the breath.
Gradually, become aware of your body and your surroundings. Transforming Problems that I would like to talk about my experience of having cancer and how my meditation practice and whatever is helping me with the healing process. In June nineteen ninety, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy in July and found that I was quite devastated by it. I’d always thought that I’d have heart problems because the only experience I’d had in my family was of heart problems and it was quite outside my realm of comprehension that I could get such a thing. They said, well, that’s fine.
We’ve got it all. Then, you know, go away and get on with your life. Which is what I did and I didn’t change my life. I had a lot of fears about doing some of the things that I knew at some level I needed to do. I started enrolled to do my Masters.
I went back to work and instead of working four days, I was working as a social worker family therapist with children and families. I’m doing a lot of work with a lot of violent families where there was a lot of domestic violence or family violence, lot of work with sexually abused children and all of those sort of things. I went back to work full time. I was also studying and I also had — is this working? — I also had three or four teenagers and was not very happy in my relationship and my marriage.
So in some ways I wasn’t surprised. Years later, I found that my liver was almost entirely occupied by secondary breast cancer. That was May last year. The oncologist said, oh, well, you’ve got three months to live, and years later saying, well, thirty percent of people will live two years beyond getting that. Anyway, I felt very devastated again and knew at some level that I hadn’t really changed my life.
So I did various things, including deciding to separate from my twenty four year marriage from my husband. And that happened in February this year. And what I’ll tell you now is, first of all, my ideas about the causes and view of my illness, and then then looking at my healing path with some of the basic ideas that have really guided me and helped me through this time. I guess that I really believe that the root of my illness lies in my mind. Pende Hawter, a monk who works in a hospice in Queensland says Buddhism is a philosophy of total personal responsibility.
We have the ability to control our destiny, including the state of our body and mind. Each one of us has unlimited potential. What we have to do is develop that potential, which I really believe. So I believe that my illness arises as a result of the coming together of a set of conditions that were conducive to its creation. I see this as the ripening of karma, as we say, the result of negative thoughts and actions from the past, probably past life or lives.
That implies an understanding of karma and rebirth, which is another whole issue for discussion. At one level, I’ve welcomed the illness as a chance to purify that karma in this life so that it’s not perpetuated in this life or in my future lives. I mean, wow, said my dharma friends, what a purification! Aren’t you lucky? Well, didn’t feel very lucky for a lot of the time, but overall I’d say that I do now because it’s been a chance to really change my life and to open myself to the most amazing possibilities. So what were the conducive conditions being raised?
I suppose the first thing to say is that I believe that all of us, as Jampa has said, only want to be happy. All of us do the best we can, and that includes our parents. However, what I see in my life was that I was raised to try to care for my mother and later on my family with little thought for my own needs. I modelled myself on parents who were themselves modelled themselves on parents who never got enough love. Nobody ever gets enough love, of course, which I’m beginning to realise now.
Parents are also very highly self critical, so I learnt to be highly self critical. Learning never to express negative feelings, keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. Being acutely sensitive to others’ needs, soaking up everyone else’s problems like a sponge. Being a first child with all the great extra responsibility that first children feel. Being a woman, raised as I was in this society where you basically think of yourself as a second class citizen and raised to think of others’ needs before one’s own.
I was trained as a social worker with the ideology of caring for others. So I felt like I’d had a triple dose of this whole thing of care for others first, think of others first before yourself. Having three or four teenagers, as much as I love them. More currently, I guess the issues were being unhappy realising how unhappy I’d been in the relationship and having been terrified at the prospect of separation. Mainly really worried about the effect it would have on our parents, both sets of whom were still alive and also the children.
The other conducive conditions were working with violent families and being very diligent, far too available, being very extremely conscientious and working far too hard and just not taking care of myself. So I believe that for lasting healing to occur, it’s necessary for me to do two main things: to treat the illness with medicines or whatever and then to deal with the cause of the disease which originates in the mind. That is to purify all the negative thoughts and actions and their imprints, to abandon negative actions and adopt positive states of mind, or try to do all of those. Also, whilst doing these things, prepare myself for the dying process and death. The way we die is not only an opportunity to determine the nature of one’s rebirth, but it can be the chance of a lifetime to actually gain an experience of the clear light, emptiness and enlightenment.
So what have I been doing? Ian Gawler, himself influenced quite extensively by Buddhism, talks about two major factors in healing: the state of one’s mind and nutrition. So as part of my healing I’ve attended two residential courses over there. I spent time talking with my friend Doctor John Harrison who wrote the book, Love Your Disease, it’s Keeping You Healthy. I’ve talked to Khensur Rinpoche and Jampa, I’ve corresponded with and seen Lama Zopa Rinpoche, attended teachings at Buddha House, talked with my friends and my precious Dharma friends and I’ve read quite a lot For my body mind, I have regular acupuncture, regular massages..
I see an oncologist have intravenous vitamin C and B12 three times a week supported by my local GPs. I see another doctor for advice on nutrition. I eat biodynamic or organic vegetarian food and I take other vitamins, supplements and some herbal medicines. Also just started at the gym three times a week in an attempt to kind of do things really differently to break out of some of the patterns that I’ve been in for all these years and do something that I would never have dreamt of doing before and I really love it. It’s given me a really big surprise and I think it’s partly because it makes me feel like I actually have got a healthy body when I can actually do things on those machines and I’ve got a whole body as well, not a mutilated body as I’ve thought for so long.
So for my mind body, meditation is my central healing technique. I still I feel like I’ve been meditating for years, but I feel like I’m only just really learning how to meditate. Ian Gawler, in fact, talks about it that we’re only ever learning to meditate even after years and years. And that’s what I feel I’m doing. I feel as if I’m really learning about it for the first time in a way that I never really knew before.
I do my meditation practices, which involve recitation of mantras and visualisations which I find extremely powerful A Medicine Buddha practice involves the visualisation of white light washing away my cancer and then golden nectar pouring over my healthy liver and my healthy body There’s another practice, a couple of practices that I do, which involve preparation for the death experience. The Vajrasattva practice helps me to keep mindful of my motivation and helps me to purify negative thoughts and actions of the day as well as all of my past negative karma. By just being mindful helps me to be mindful of what I’ve done during the day, how do I feel about what I’ve done and those things. And as Judy said, another powerful practice is Tonglen, the giving and taking practice, where I visualise someone who is suffering and their suffering arising in black smoke about them and then I breathe in all of that pain as smoke. This purifies the darkness of my own negativities around my heart exposing what I see as a pristine jewel that is my wisdom consciousness, Buddha nature, my own true nature.
I then visualize white light pouring over that person, removing all their suffering. I then do this for all people in the world who have cancer, even if they don’t know it, and all people who have recently died that I know of cancer. Khensur Rinpoche talks about the fact that no one but a Buddha can truly remove someone else’s pain. But as Judy says, what it does for me is that it means that I can have some sense of being just a bit more aware of the depths of suffering that others go through and those with whom I have some difficulty I can feel some sense of tolerance that in the past has just not been there So the other thing that I do is do the mindfulness of breathing. And I find that so valuable in helping me to learn how to control the monkey mind and watching my thoughts and noticing when there are gaps in the thoughts.
And I find that’s a very powerful practice. Other things that have been important to me are support from a few very close friends saying affirmations. I use obstacles to strengthen my resolve. I sustain my positive attitude through difficult times have been two things that have been particularly useful for me lately in dealing with my daughter going through matric and having fits about everything and a few other things I attended a co counselling course, a re evaluation counselling course and I found that really valuable and that actually highlighted how as well as the Gawler Foundation trip I hadn’t realised how uptight I’d been physically for most of my life. And I think that’s something that I think that one’s meditation practice improves greatly if one is actually physically relaxed.
That’s where physical exercise is really good and also doing progressive muscle relaxation exercises I’ve found very useful. Sorting out my relationship with my husband very positively, having some counselling help with that and getting on well with him has been really good and trying to help my kids sort themselves out, which they are. Expecting more of my family in terms of support, learning how to say no, learning to ask for more, learning to say, well, I am worthy of needing support,, listening to relaxation tapes and also talking having the courage to talk to my kids more about what I’m feeling and how my health is. I had protected them all the time from all my fears and whatever. Now I’m no longer doing that.
And it’s hairy, but it feels much more real. I just wanted to say something about my attitude to dying. I don’t actually want to die right now because I know because I am learning how to appreciate how precious this human life is. I think there’s nothing like a life threatening illness to put one in touch with how incredibly lucky one is to be alive. And how each moment, how living in the moment is just so so precious.
I did feel very fearful about dying, but I I don’t anymore, as far as I can tell. And I look forward to experience when it’s ready to happen. I feel less concerned about the devastation on the family because I’m less concerned about protecting them and know that I can’t do anything to protect them. I think really I believe that every day it’s vital to think about the dying process. I want to be so mindful when it happens that I will understand the whole dissolution process.
So I have to practice some meditation now. The book, the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying’ a profoundly wonderful book and a must for everybody to read as quickly as possible, except you won’t want to finish it. I guess my biggest challenges, well, as a mother, we’ve also just acquired a puppy for my thirteen year old son, and last night, I was greeted in the morning with lots of little puddles everywhere on the family room floor, so that’ll be an interesting challenge. I spoke to Rinpoche about the challenges of supporting my kids, particularly my daughter, this matric business. He said that I just must be patient with my children.
Whilst it’s obvious, was so reassuring. Patience is a real problem for me. I really wanted to hurry up the healing process so I can get on with all the things I’ve been dying to do. I didn’t really mean to write dying, but do for years. Go to India and Nepal.
I dearly love to travel and go through to see some of the Buddhist places there. I’d love to go to Alaska. I’ve always wanted to go to Antarctica. I don’t know that I’ll ever get there, but see my friends in England and do long retreats, do courses in the States and whatever. But I feel like I have now that I can understand more about patience, I can have some more patience and I know it will take some time for me to know that I am healed.
And my healing may well involve dying. It may be that I will heal my mind and my body will go at some point anyway. But if I feel that I feel like if I can heal my mind, that’s all I want to do. Not working has been a real challenge. I haven’t worked now for a year.
Not being a proper worker, not having a role. Was given a government diary, it was all empty, really. Not being seeing people driving government cars and thinking, oh, I used to do that once. Being on a disability support pension, being really poor, I really don’t like that, but trying to decide that I’m going to be poor but happy. I guess just to finish off, main guiding philosophy, I suppose, just learning to live the paradox of learning to accept myself as I am, as Jampa says, actually accept myself with all my frailties and negativities as I am. I know that is what I need to do.
At the same time, the paradox is that I actually want to move want to change the way that I relate with the world. It’s absolutely full of paradoxes, the whole thing. I guess the other thing that I really believe is in, for all of us, every living sentient being has Buddha nature and this is what this philosophy is all about for me. All of this symbolism is about a belief in the incredible nature of my own goodness and wholeness. And at the same time, the paradox of also understanding how ordinary I am and how I have problems like everybody else.
I guess the other thing is trying to be mindful as much of the time as possible of the state of my mind. And that includes being aware of much more aware of what my feelings are. I used to think I was never angry. Matter of fact you know, anger was the pervasive influence in my life that perhaps is where this cancer arose so being in touch with that and not denying that understanding the patterns of denying my own need and I think that this is one of the big challenges of part of this Mahāyāna philosophy is that not only do we work towards our own enlightenment we work towards others’ enlightenment at all times. And I think that what I’ve it’s been a great dilemma for me because I thought, well, how can I possibly stop doing what I’ve been doing because I’ve been trying to work for others?
And I’ve realised that in fact I have to develop compassion for myself at the same time as I give to others because if I don’t do that I’ll be dead and I won’t be of any benefit to anybody at all. That’s been a real challenge. I guess at the bottom of everything being aware of self-cherishing, being aware of intellectually having a vague understanding of emptiness, and that the attachment to ego is the root of all my difficulties. Seeing obstacles is part of life regardless of what I do. All I can do is respond to what arises in the world.
I used to think, as Judy talked about, that if I was on the right path, then there’d be no suffering. But it’s just not the way it is. That’s the most terrible sort of realisation, but it’s really wonderful because in a sense it helps me to really see that, yes, I can really do my best, but there will still be things that come up that are difficult. The other thing is that I see my teachers as very powerful guides for me on this path. And I am aware I have a sense of their presence with me at all times and it helps me to be aware of my own natural wisdom and goodness and healing powers.
Yeah, now basically see obstacles as an amazing opportunity to develop my mind. I think that’s all I have to say really. So, any questions or comments or anything? So. Thank you.
Alright. Questions that I’d I’d thought about, because I feel that it’s really most useful if we can talk about things that are really relevant to us. It’s rather similar to Judy’s ideas. And actually, incidentally, that the passage that you read out, I read that every day myself. I couldn’t believe when you read it.
It’s just wonderful. Really and I just find it absolutely marvellous. You know, that sense of just a reminder as an inspiration. So the question is what is your greatest challenge in life? What is the greatest the thing that is most difficult for you at the moment?
And with all of this, I think that I want to emphasise that whatever we talk about, I’d like you to remember to keep that confidential within the groups. So what is your greatest challenge in life? Whatever you feel comfortable talking about. And what have you already done to begin to deal with it? I think that’s the other thing that this philosophy has given me is a sense of the fact that we will so often look at all the negativities and look at the problems without actually seeing the flip side of it, which is all the things that we have already done and all the good things.
There is much good that we actually tend to ignore in the face of many problems. So what is your greatest challenge in life and what have you already done to begin to deal with it? Okay, so if we can go back into those same groups. Is the library group happy in there or not? Would you want to go outside or something?
Oh, thank you, Kimberly. Thank you. So I should be dead by now. I’m not.